42 Things I Thought While Watching the Netflix Movie Holiday in the Wild
Warning: Contains spoilers.
There’s nothing in the world quite like a Netflix holiday movie. Picking up the mantle of extra-cheesy Christmas rom-coms from Lifetime and Hallmark, the streaming service is unnaturally—might we say algorithmically—skilled at creating movies that you know are empirically bad, but are still capable of making you tear up after a glass or four of mulled wine.
Among the latest slate of Netflix holiday films is a movie called Holiday in the Wild, which stars Kristin Davis and Rob Lowe as star-crossed lovers on an elephant sanctuary at Christmas. The moment I read the description, I knew I would cancel plans with actual, existing human friends to watch it in one sitting, and let me tell you, it did not disappoint. Below are the musings that came to mind while I did so.
I hope Kristin Davis is having a nice life post-SATC. I’m proud of her for refusing to take sides in that whole Kim Cattrall vs. Sarah Jessica Parker beef.
Love it when when a movie uses the hustle and bustle of New York traffic to telegraph that its protagonist is overwhelmed and needs! a! vacation!
Kristin Davis's husband has strong Craigslist Killer energy. Good thing she’s about to divorce him!
Why are these extras wearing short-sleeved shirts if it’s Christmas in New York? Is this a meta-commentary on global warming? Go off, Netflix.
Kristin Davis’s character used to be a vet, which I feel will become important later on.
Why is Kristin Davis’s son leaving to start college in December? What college semester starts immediately before the holidays? What time of year IS IT?
Kristin Davis and Craigslist Killer split up .5 seconds after their son is out the door for weird fake Christmas college, which seems...a bit sudden. Especially since Kristin booked them second-honeymoon tickets to Africa! (The whole continent, apparently.)
Craigslist Killer really said, “I’ll send for my things.” Ice-cold.
Okay, some clarity achieved on the Africa front; Kristin Davis is going to Zambia, as you can see from the helpful “Zambia Travel Guide.”
Kristin Davis has touched down in Lusaka, Zambia, in a cream-color top and immaculate skirt—just what one wears when embarking on a 20-hour flight. She quickly changes into a leopard-print slip dress and starts chugging martinis, which is, of course, a mood.
Rob Lowe time! This handsome, rugged stranger plays poker with the bartender, so you know he’s chill.
Well, of course he’s also a handsome, rugged pilot. We love a man who can do stuff!
On their flight, Rob Lowe helpfully reminds Kristin Davis that buffalo aren’t the most dangerous animals out here: “We are.” You simply cannot make this stuff up!
Rob Lowe and Kristin Davis find an orphaned elephant and spring into action.
PSA from Rob Lowe:
Helping the elephant awakens something in Kristin Davis, and they make their way to the Lilayi Elephant Nursery, which, of course, has just been waiting for a white lady to come in and save the day.
All cynicism aside, the baby elephants are very cute. Should I move to an elephant sanctuary?
We learn that Rob Lowe lives at the elephant nursery year-round. What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man.
“The thing about elephants...they read your soul,” Rob Lowe emotionally tells Kristin Davis. Hell yeah. Also, Rob Lowe has started calling Kristin Davis “New York,” so they’re obviously going to have sex soon.
“Send Me on My Way” by Rusted Root plays over a montage of Kristin Davis, or “Dr. Kate” (oh yes, her character’s name is Kate), helping out using her vet training and freaking loving the simplicity of life on the tranquil, oddly Pinterest-y elephant sanctuary.
Did anyone request “Dr. Kate’s” medical accreditation? I feel like this process would require a fax, at the very least.
Rob Lowe has extreme Jackson Maine energy in this movie.
Rob Lowe and Kristin Davis go on safari. A lot of wildlife shots—arguably too many. Kiss already!
Rob Lowe paints! He is an artist! Remember this for later.
FaceTime session with Kristin Davis’s son at weird fake Christmas college, where he’s surprisingly unperplexed to learn that his type-A New York mom has decamped for an elephant sanctuary in Zambia. If my mom did that, I would have some questions.
The Kiss finally happens, but it’s interrupted by a Mean Blonde Lady straight out of central casting, who has something to do with the organization that funds the sanctuary and is also Rob Lowe’s girlfriend. Drama!
Kristin Davis emails her son to tell him she’s staying longer at the elephant sanctuary. Good roaming WiFi, I guess?
We’ve jumped to three months later, Kristin Davis is still at the elephant sanctuary, and apparently now it’s Christmas. So I guess Kristin Davis’s son—whose name, it should be said, is Luke—just goes to normal, non-fake college. Apologies for my earlier misunderstanding, but Kristin Davis was taking Christmas-card pictures! What kind of person does that in September?
Divorce papers served to a remote elephant sanctuary in Zambia? I have to applaud whatever process server managed to make that happen. Kristin Davis sadly says “I’m going to see my elephant,” to which Rob Lowe replies, “Our elephant.”
We are, somehow, only halfway through this movie.
Surprise visit from Luke! He’s missing a music festival to be in Zambia with his mom, which is the highest sign of respect a Gen Z-er can confer.
Remember when I said Rob Lowe was an artist? This is his art, which made me laugh so hard I choked on my coffee:
Luke is not going back to college, because “I want to make music. That’s what I’m passionate about.” Uh-oh. Kristin Davis is mad, but ultimately accepts it, because she is, after all, Eat Pray Love-ing her way through Zambia.
[Romantic music playing]:
It would be extremely funny if, to artfully signify Kristin Davis and Rob Lowe having sex, the film cut abruptly to zebras mating on the plains, but nobody thought to consult me in the writing of this movie, so there you go.
Mean Blonde Lady finds Rob Lowe’s Kristin Davis art and is not happy about it. Rob Lowe dumps her. She threatens the elephant sanctuary’s funding.
Kristin Davis finally returns to New York and interviews for a vet job. Growth! She also convinces Craigslist Killer ex that it’s fine if their son studies music, as long as he stays in college.
Kristin Davis finds out the elephant sanctuary’s funding is imperiled, and rallies her rich friends to save it. Capitalism: It always works out in the end!
Despite her thriving vet practice, Kristin Davis returns to Zambia to buy Rob Lowe a plate of lobster and kiss the hell out of him. She bought a one-way ticket.
I’m very alone.
The final lines of this movie, as Kristin Davis and Rob Lowe embrace back at the elephant sanctuary? “Do you think he [the elephant] will remember us?” “Of course he will. He’s an elephant.” Classique.
I’m not crying. I’ve never cried in my life. You’re crying, probably.
Originally Appeared on Vogue
