40 Hysterical Parenting Tweets That Made Me Positively Cackle This Week
When you're a parent, your life is filled with love, cuddles, and stolen moments alone with a wine bottle and Twitter account.
CBC / Giphy / Via media.giphy.com
So before the moment passes, enjoy these 40 hilarious tweets from parents who just need a MOMENT of peace:
1.
My wife’s grocery list has wine listed twice, in case you’re wondering if kids are home for summer break yet.
2.
Listening to my daughters talk through a disagreement.4-year-old: I really wanted to watch Bluey and that’s why I screamed.2-year-old: I really really wanted to watch Elmo and that’s why I slapped you in your own face.
3.
3yo had a tantrum today. I got on her level, let her have her big emotions, talked her through it and and had a cuddle. If you’d like my new parenting book “How I succeeded once, felt smug and then got confused when the same thing didn’t work twice” it’s out Monday
4.
parenting classes should focus less on diapers and more on what to do when you’re sad but still have to pretend to be a tugboat
5.
I got my kid a book called How to Beat Your Dad at Chess and he just beat me at chess which I had somehow failed to anticipate
6.
taking after her older brother my daughter has decided to try and call me bro…my parenting journey keeps taking such interesting turns
7.
I found my 6-year-old with a shot glass.I asked what she was using it for.She said Mountain Dew.It would have been safer if she said vodka.
8.
Seems suspicious that the things that make parenting easier like TV are “bad” and the things that are “good”, like sensory bins, cover your house in 1000 dried beans.
9.
My son, 7, has discovered “deez nuts” jokes and it’s all he says now. Everything is deez nuts. He simply can’t stop. I asked him where he heard that joke. He made me promise that if he told me, he wouldn’t get in trouble. I agreed. So he leans in and whispers, “deez nuts.”
10.
What's the parenting fantasy you abandoned most swiftly and completely? Mine is definitely "My kids will eat whatever we're eating!"
11.
Parenting is a conspiracy to keep alcohol companies in business
12.
Every year my daughter thought adults had summer break. She told me last “Well I don’t wanna be an adult then“ SAME SIS..Just call me Peter Pan 😭 https://t.co/iEV7debmwO
13.
I told my 6-year-old how happy I was to try out my new vacuum cleaner, and she looked visibly sad for me.
14.
Just when you think you have this parenting thing figured out, your kid picks up a Dorito chip off the floor with their toes and eats it.
15.
Having been around babies and toddlers for many years now I can tell you what they really want, what makes their eyes sparkle and what they reach for more than anything. It’s knives. Follow me for more hot parenting tips
16.
The final countdown, but it’s the amount of time between when your kid sneezes in your face and you get sick
17.
97% of parenting is just saying "oh wow" to your kid when they do something totally not wow.
18.
doing everything in my power to steer my 5yo away from buying "ball gag teddy bear" over here
19.
My rating system for kids birthday parties: Beer for parents: 5 starsNo beer for parents: 0 stars
20.
[looks out the window to see my 8y/o peeing on my tomato plants] Honey, your mom likes tomatoes, right?
21.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was "entirely too many cows" and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
22.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
23.
95% of parenting is just listening to yourself talk because your kids sure as hell aren't listening
24.
Watching a movie with a kid is like watching with the director’s commentary on and it doesn't turn off. Ever.
25.
Normalize having a bad day so you let your toddler watch TV all afternoon so you can go on your phone and eat the rest of his muffin.
26.
10-year-old: *fights with her sister over what to watch*Me: Go watch the other TV.10: Someone's watching it.Me: Then go watch the other other TV.10: I don't want to walk that far.
27.
I just told my daughter that when I was a kid our tv only had 4 channels and she rolled her eyes and said, “oK, mOm. wHaTeVeR,” and now I’m starting to wonder if maybe my father DID walk to school uphill both ways.
28.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
29.
6-year-old asked how many swear words there are. I asked how many he knows and he said "4" so I said "There are 5." ?? I don't know what I'm doing.
30.
if you have a kid who showers on their own, you have to remind them to use soap and shampoo every so often otherwise they forget those products exist i learned this the hard way after my son asked me what the soap looked like
31.
Parenthood is seeing how many times you can say "let me think about it" with the hope that your kid forgets to ask again
32.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
33.
My son told his teacher that 'mom is alone at the office with Takeshi' and the teacher, well aware that my husband's name isn't Takeshi, quietly asked what's going on. So I had to introduce Takeshii (pictured), which was no less embarassing than her thinking I'm having an affair
34.
The best parenting tool is fruit snacks, those are little bags of shut the heck up.
35.
Oh, you ran a 5K today? Cool.I buckled a toddler into a car seat twice today, so we both burned the same amount of calories.
36.
Times goes so fast. It seems like only yesterday my kid’s laundry pile was only this big. Wait, it was only yesterday. WTF.
37.
Bought my 10 y/o daughter a camera for vacation and while taking a family photo, she told me, “please get out of my picture, your outfit is clashing today.” The art world is harsh.
38.
My 2yo just asked my husband for a sip of his water and then immediately spit it out and said “this isn’t sparkling water”.
39.
Parenting a six year old is trying to give bedtime instructions while she interjects with all the things she knows about pangolins (which is a lot, incidentally).
40.But here's a secret: These tweets are all one massive parental ploy to seem cool and distant in front of their kids.
Please don’t tell my 13 year old I said this but she is very fun and one of my favorite people to hang out with
Whether you laughed in pity or solidarity (or a funky little mix of the two), be sure to follow these stupendously funny parents on Twitter!!!
They could use a win.
