40 Exes You Should Feel #Grateful to Have Out of Your Life This Thanksgiving
This Thanksgiving, let's all take a page out of Ariana Grande's book and give thanks for all of the trash exes we've finally nexted. Sure, we may have gotten stuck in some dicksand at one point or another—and there was that one time when we stalked their Instagram page for a good two hours, but hey, we're healing. PTL that we completely let go of our exes—specifically, these 40 dweebs:
1. The ex who you spent, like, half your life with. You fell for him over a decade ago when you also thought it would be a good idea to layer your Lacoste polo with a lace-y Abercrombie tank. Oh, you also probably styled your hair into a "poof" too. Obvi, your judgment was questionable, to say the least.
2. The ex who texted "u up" every night without fail, but was MIA in the light of day. Smile because you've finally left this dude where he belongs: Back in 2008 with his bro Edward Cullen.
3. The ex who conveniently left his wallet home every date night. While we're at it, why don't you go ahead and remind him to fulfill the $500 worth of Venmo requests he never paid you?
4. The ex who texted you 24/7, but refused to actually make any plans with you. All I have to say is beware of the toyfriend.
5. The ex who cheated on you. How dare he cheat on you after you took a page out of Michael Scott's book and *explicitly* asked him not to?
6. The ex who refused to call you his girlfriend, even though you were exclusive and in a group text with his family. Remember all those awk AF times you'd just stand there wondering what to do with your face when his friends and fam would introduce you as his girlfriend, and he'd hit them with the: "Oh, she's just a friend!" Yeah, goodbye to that era.
7. The ex who you thought was a Tyler Cameron when he was really a Jed Wyatt. You had this dude on a pedestal back in the day, but now you see him for the try-hard poser he really was all along.
8. The ex who unironically owned a "Saturdays are for the Boys" flag. He can keep spending his Saturdays with his boys, while you spend yours with a real man.
9. The ex who had a mattress with no bed frame. And let's not forget his completely bare white walls. Like, should you have checked his closet for bodies?
10. The ex who identified as an "entrepreneur." Sorry, dude. Starting GoFundMe campaigns from your mom's basement doesn't count as a business. Being a SoundCloud DJ doesn't either.
11. The ex who was too slammed with work to find even 15 minutes to see you. And yet he always had time to post stories of different bougie dinners and rooftop views.
12. The ex who ghosted you. Seriously, Greg? Was it too hard to just say you're not feeling it anymore? This dude is either lazy AF or a spineless coward. Either way, bullet maaajorly dodged.
13. The ex who got bottle service every weekend. Time to find a guy who has hobbies other than posting douche-y videos of him and his try-hard friends sipping subpar cranberry vodkas they spent half their paychecks on.
14. The ex who hated your favorite show. Getting through this new season of The Morning Show would have been HELL with this dude chirping about how much he hates Jennifer Aniston the whole time.
15. The ex who you always caught sliding into the DMs of rando bikini models. Here's to hoping things work out between him and @BigButts69, though.
16. The ex who pulled a DJ Khaled and never went down on you. In the least surprising development ever, he was *also* a selfish A-hole outside of the bedroom.
17. The ex who only communicated with you via Snapchat. This guy was shadier than John Mayer and Tristan Thompson combined.
18. The ex who never introduced you to his friends. Ew, this guy is even shadier than Snapchat boy.
19. The ex who was too into you. Like, no, you can't blame him—you're a f*cking delight. But he could have spared you that sick-to-your stomach cringe-y feeling by playing it about 800 times cooler.
20. The ex who was more into himself than you. Here's to hoping he and his mirror have a fantastic life together.
21. The ex who loves his team more than he loved you. You deserve a dude who cries more when you dump him than he does when his team loses the Super Bowl.
22. The ex who referred to his parents as his "roomies." Living with his parents is fine. Save that money, dude! But calling them by their first names and leaving a sock on his door for them to know to keep out while you guys were boning? Barf.
23. The ex who was always the drunkest at the party. Weird how being a great beer pong partner doesn't exactly translate to being a great *life* partner.
24. The ex who wouldn't shut up about his ex. Gone are the days of aggressively hate stalking Alyssa wondering WTF she had that you didn't.
25. The ex whose mom you're still texting. It's still unbelievable that such a dope woman was capable of birthing such a snooze of a son.
26. The ex who crept back into your life every time you started to move on. Tell Mark giving you a "100" reaction to your next Insta story isn't going to be enough to get you back this time around.
27. The ex your friends hated. He had you so dickmatized, you didn't realize what a blatant f*ckboy he really was.
28. The ex who was more into his mom than you. She was a nice lady, but you'd rather not fall asleep to the sound of your grown-ass BF telling his "mommy" how much he "wuvs" her.
29. The ex who didn’t "believe in labels" … but is now engaged. Oh, so he just didn’t believe in labels with you. If only he made that clarification back in the day and spared you the *years* of putting up with his BS.
30. The ex who's now dating the girl he told you not to worry about. TYSM to him for confirming that you have fire instincts. Now, time to put them toward finding a new bf who isn't complete trash.
31. The ex who gave you a Visa gift card for Valentine's Day. He knew you about as well as he knew his way around the bedroom (hint: not well).
32. The ex who didn't own any pants outside of basketball shorts. Did his calves never get cold? Was he going to wear basketball shorts to your wedding? What did he wear to work? Seriously. What was his game plan with that wardrobe?
33. The ex who asked to be official on your first date. It may have started like a rom-com, but we all know a relationship with a dude *this* impulsive could have only ended like a horror movie.
34. The ex who never acknowledged your existence on the 'gram. You were posting couple pics left and right, but his profile didn't have a trace of your existence. No, he wasn't mysterious—he was just shady AF.
35. The ex who mansplained ev-er-y-thing. Buy a drink for the poor chick out there listening to her Tinder date explain climate change.
36. The ex who made more money than you and made sure you knew it. Unfortunately for him, a six-figure salary can't buy him a personality.
37. The ex who couldn't have a serious conversation to save his life. The flirty banter was great, but trying to figure out if he actually just admitted he liked you, or if it was another one of his 8 million sarcastic jokes, was just too effing exhausting for you and everyone in your GroupMe.
38. The ex who liked your car better than you. Let's just say he was using you for the wrong kind of ride.
39. The ex who was always commenting on how hot your friends are. "If you think they're so hot, why don't you go ahead and date one of them, Ted!? SMH."
40. The ex who never wore a condom. Big shout-out to him for not so coincidentally also giving you chlamydia.
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