4 Women Who’ve Been in Large-Age-Gap Relationships Reflect on Demi Lovato’s New Song “29”
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The third single off Demi Lovato’s newly released album Holy Fvck is an emotional banger called “29” that fans speculate is about their relationship with ex-boyfriend Wilmer Valderrama, who they dated from 2010 to 2016. And even though Demi hasn’t actually confirmed this herself, she hasn’t outright denied it either. Plus, the lyrics pretty much speak for themselves: Finally 29 / Funny, just like you were you at the time / Thought it was a teenage dream / Just a fantasy / But was it yours or was it mine / 17, 29.
Wilmer and Demi met when she was 17 years old and he was 29 but started dating when she turned 18, she said in her 2017 documentary Simply Complicated. Further evidence that “29” is about Wilmer? These lyrics: I see you’re quite the collector / Yeah, you’re 12 years her elder / Maybe now it doesn’t matter / But I know, I know better. Wilmer is 12 years older than his fiancée, model Amanda Pacheco.
Now, don’t get us wrong: Age-gap relationships between two consenting adults are nothing to be ashamed of. But “29” highlights the fact that a 29-year-old man (or, uh, a fully formed man of any adult age) pursuing a 17-year-old girl (or, uh, any minor!) is, essentially, grooming: a predatory tactic used by abusers to isolate vulnerable people—often children—and “groom” them for abuse. And it’s resonated with people so much that people on TikTok are using it to reflect on their own large-age-gap relationships from when they were also teenagers.
Demi herself addressed the trend on TikTok, writing, “Thank you for all the love on ‘29.’ I’ve seen your stories and they mean so much to me. If you can relate, please know you are loved and not alone.”
We spoke with four women who opened up about their own large-age-gap relationships from when they were teenagers, how “29” made them feel, and what they wish they’d known back then.
“When I was about 18, this guy reached out to me on Facebook. No one had ever shown romantic interest in me before, so I assumed he was around my age, but when I asked, he said he was 33. I just went along with it—I didn’t think of any of the red flags. My friends and family were worried, but I was naive and I didn’t listen. When we went to dinner for the first time, I paid for both of our meals.…I asked him why he didn’t have money at the time and he said it was because he had gone on vacation the week before. Another red flag, but again, I didn’t know my worth and I kept going out with him. It was a very unbalanced dynamic. It never was sexual without consent, but just the fact that he would pursue me knowing that I was younger and more naive…maybe he could tell I was an easy target. Eventually, he became emotionally unavailable, but when I heard Demi’s song, it affected me because this really happened to me and it happened when I was vulnerable and easy to take advantage of.” —Jenna, 22
“During my teens, I had several ‘relationships’ (including sexual encounters) with people many years older than me. What I didn’t understand at the time is that it was exploitation. I wasn’t a fully grown adult, I didn’t understand consent, and I didn’t understand that I was being taken advantage of. At 16/17, I thought I was ‘mature’ enough to understand the complexities of these relationships, but I certainly was not. As a folk singer myself, Demi’s song resonates deeply with me, albeit brings up trauma that still takes time to heal.” —Iona, 24
“I met Steve* when I was probably about 16, but we didn’t get together until I was 18 [and he was 30]. His dad was actually trying to set me up with his brother, who was, I think, five years older than me, but me and Steve hit it off instead. He was my first boyfriend, and I was actually his first girlfriend as well. I thought there would be stability and maturity that I just wouldn’t get with someone closer to my own age. I did feel like a trophy at times, and someone even described me as his ‘gold medal’ once. Looking back, he was the jealous type and I think he was looking for someone that he could kind of mold into being an extension of his mother. He still lived at home and she did pretty much everything for him still and it was expected that I would also do the same. After about 18 months, I realized that I would have no life and no identity of my own if I stayed with him, so I packed up my stuff and got out of there! I really wish more people had tried to talk some sense into me back then!
“I know from my own friendship circles how common this is, and now that I’m 30 myself, the thought of being in a full-on relationship with an 18-year-old boy honestly makes me want to be sick. It’s very easy when you’re younger to see these older guys and think that them being interested must mean you’re ‘mature,’ etc. In reality, they’re just looking for someone they can mold into what they want with very little resistance because we don’t know any better/different.” —Ashleigh, 30
“I met my first boyfriend when I was 17 and he was 26 on an online chat forum for people from my country in our town. It was a group of people who’d hang out IRL, meet up, etc., and we just started off as just friends. But we had a connection, even though I was the baby of the group. Pretty soon, he started messaging me and we would just chat a lot, especially after I found out that he lived around the corner from my house, so I’d lie and tell my parents I was going to a friend’s when really I was sneaking off to his to make out. Eventually I started catching feelings for him, and he for me too.
“When I was still 17, we didn’t do anything other than kiss, and we wouldn’t even hold hands in public because obviously he was afraid something was going to happen. It was very under the radar for a few months, but we made it official when I turned 18. He took my virginity and became my first real relationship. I introduced him to my parents on Thanksgiving, but we lied about his age (we told them he was 22 instead of 26).
“At the time, I didn’t think, OMG, this guy is older than my older brother, or anything like that because I thought he treated me well. He’d take care of me, ask me if I needed money, we liked all of the same things. When I look back on it today, I don’t look at it negatively because everything that happened was because I consented. But we broke up right before my 21st birthday because he was ready to settle down and I wanted to go to college, graduate, see where my life would take me. We still follow each other on social media and he watches all my Stories.” —Maria*, 35
*Name has been changed.
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