35 Genuinely Hysterical Tweets By Women That Made Me Laugh So Hard My Butt Fell Off

X Your Ex 🤝 Still trying to get your attention even though you don’t want to be on them anymore

— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) July 24, 2023

I have an appointment at the Breast Clinic and I think ‘appointment at the Breast Clinic’ is a good euphemism for a second date

— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) July 25, 2023

the feminine urge to say “that must be Nigel with the brie” every time the doorbell rings

— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) July 21, 2023

haven’t smoked weed in like 3 years and tonight I did and at first I was like oh why don’t I do this anymore it’s nice! and now i’m at the club manually breathing

— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) July 23, 2023

The premiere sporting event of the season is here pic.twitter.com/Oz7jTxHCVK

— amanda silberling (@asilbwrites) July 28, 2023

oppenheimer and barbie has nothing on little women and the rise of skywalker playing next to each other at the theaters in 2019. beth was dying at the beach and through the walls the imperial march theme was blasting 😭 at her funeral you could hear the lightsabers 😭

— lex (@gretagerwigflew) July 20, 2023

shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch

— glennis ❤️‍🔥 (@theglennisshow) July 4, 2023

I just found out there are no skunks outside the Americas and now I can’t stop laughing thinking about the look on the face of the first settler to get sprayed by that funny stripey cat thing

— Yell in a Strike (@jelenawoehr) July 4, 2023

My job is just… Meeting pic.twitter.com/j6V8UoPuHG

— Krystal Wu (@HelloKrystalWu) July 27, 2023

It Happened To Me: I DM'd a friend and asked why I haven't seen her online in a while and then I realized it's because I muted her.

— Akilah Green (@akilahgreen) July 25, 2023

the Victorians were so fucking funny like tuberculosis was RAGING it was killing all of them and they were like wait… what if we… made this the beauty standard…?

— empress sissi (@historicalfits) July 28, 2023

david attenborough: this is a baby seal, he is starving to deathme: :(david: his mother has found foodme: :)david: there is a polar bear nearby who will eat the pupme: :(david: the pup makes a lucky escape me: :)david: the polar bear will now starve me: :(

— charly (@charlywhymn) July 6, 2023

wtf pic.twitter.com/eUw96Rw9vo

— Sydney Battle (@SydneyBattle) July 27, 2023

Husband and I were playing scrabble in a bar, upstate NY. Man looking over and starting conversation so we invite him to join. I played the word ‘MEAT’. He asks, “are bad words ok?”. We laugh, say yes. So he adds some letters to meat. Guys. I swear to god his word was ‘MEATCUNT’

— Honey (@benegotherit) July 26, 2023

2 for 2 pic.twitter.com/8vrFRihmsl

— emily(◕‿◕✿) (@emuhleepowurz) July 10, 2023

My old housemate was a digital hoarder of epic proportions, so we had every movie on earth available to us at all times, but to watch them we had to navigate his nuts categorisations (Titanic was in ‘Horror’ because, as he said, it would’ve been v scary to be on the Titanic)

— Lizzie Poste (@LizziePoste) July 27, 2023

I told my husband “brb, I’m going to take some meat out,” and he said “when you come back, can you take my meat out, too.” Everyday, I’m fighting for my life. pic.twitter.com/KqTUoU7xHh

— ♡♥ Melanin Mami ♥♡ (@TLProdigy) July 23, 2023

i said “girl dinner” while going down on my partner and she didn’t laugh should we call off the wedding

— rivkah reyes is on strike (@rivkahreyes) July 31, 2023

turns out having poison ivy on your knees is harder to explain than I thought

— Panda_Moany_yum 🐼 (@ajarfullofrage) July 6, 2023

My American bf has tried gallantly to understand cricket all summer, but getting his head around the size of the trophy we play for is too much to ask pic.twitter.com/32SbeRBnvB

— elle hardy (@ellehardy) July 31, 2023

Y’all remember when we all eulogized Jimmy Carter and then he just… kept on going?

— Abby (@abby_e_o) July 31, 2023

Nova Scotia is great because no matter how far we drift from our seafaring roots, all it takes is three days of rain for everyone to start speaking like an 18th century dockhand. "oh aye, the skies be some angry with us today" you are an accountant, stop it

— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) July 3, 2023

You don't scare me, you're not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past

— meghan (@deloisivete) July 5, 2023

innovation is everywhere pic.twitter.com/bEawHaHp9g

— jamie loftus 🌭 (@jamieloftusHELP) July 27, 2023

who’s my primary care doctor? that’s me & my 18 open browser tabs, babe

— chase (@_chase_____) June 29, 2023

one time i was talking to an italian (from italy) guy online and he kept saying i should visit and i was like, 'don't italians hate fat people?' and he was like, 'no, you would be exotic to our perverts'

— roxy demento (@falseroxy) July 6, 2023

i hate when energy drinks are marketed toward men. what could they possible need energy for? telling lies??

— meredith (@dietz_meredith) July 5, 2023

The copywriter who writes Reformation's emails is so unhinged I never know what i'm going to get pic.twitter.com/tQaPPFzbDA

— Erika Lee ✍🏼 (@erikaleetv) July 5, 2023

The problem with Instagram stories is I assume everyone whose stories I watch is my friend and that is why I just replied to Sharon Horgan’s story about smear tests with a level of familiarity that should have me blocked

— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) July 5, 2023

having people in your life with real jobs is so humiliating. just called my brother and he immediately picked up like “hey is everything okay?” and I said “yeah I just wanted to chat :)” and he said “oh okay well. it’s the middle of the workday” my bad

— Gabrielle Drolet (@gabrielledrolet) July 6, 2023

Fondly remembering the time two of my transphobic colleagues wouldn’t eat my baking so I made progressively more delicious and elaborate cakes and watched them die inside from their own bigotry

— Caitlin Spice (@catespice) July 7, 2023

I can’t explain why but this outfit is Melania Trump to me pic.twitter.com/kjKRAKldAg

— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) July 28, 2023

Not to sound like I voted for Reagan or something but just how many new smoke shops do we need really fhdjdjdjdjd

— Ashley Reese (@offbeatorbit) July 21, 2023

sorry i ruined the vibe by bringing up logistics until the plan was fully formed and feasible

— thrillhouse (@nickykens) July 20, 2023

thinking about the time my sister mumbled when saying her name at starbucks and this is what the barista heard pic.twitter.com/cGF5NnQXBS

— chase (@_chase_____) July 20, 2023

Congratulations on working 40 hours! You are now free to dissociate for 2 days

— 𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲 (@im_all_id) July 21, 2023