Women Are Revealing The Things Men In Their 20s Do That Are So, So, So Unattractive
When it comes to straight men in their 20s trying to succeed in the dating scene, it seems like a lot of them are really going about it the wrong way.
So we asked women who date men of the BuzzFeed Community: what are young men getting wrong? And what could they do better? Here's what they had to say:
1."For the love of god, I am sick of having to do all of the heavy lifting in a conversation. Often I find men will tell you all about themselves and answer any questions I ask, but won't ask me anything about myself. I’m glad to get to know you, but it feels like I’m interviewing you for an article and not actually connecting."
2."Develop curiosity about the women in your life — what are their fears? Their dreams? What do they think is funny, interesting, beautiful? When you're talking to a woman, ask her questions, don't just talk about yourself."
—anonymous
3."Learn to accept when a woman says 'no' as something normal. You are not entitled to a yes."
—anonymous
4."Stop thinking we are all the same. That 'line/move' may have worked for three women before, but it doesn’t mean it’s going to work for the next three. We are individuals with different tastes, personalities, needs and values. I have been called a bitch because I have called out their 'game' and said they need to stop thinking women are just a collective aka an object."
—anonymous
5."Something they get wrong is treating women only as a source of sex or porn. Like they treat women more like an object to get off to than a person. Ex: always asking for nudes, Skype sex, or straight up sex when they barely know the person. All the straight ladies on dating apps know what I'm talking about. There's an appropriate time for sexting and it's not the second question you ask someone you've never met before."
"Immediately/quickly making sex jokes in a dating app chat is so weird to me. We are strangers — would you say that shit out loud if you hit on me in a Starbucks?"
6."Not knowing how to have a conversation on dating apps. One word answers, not reciprocating and asking questions. Like why are we even talking?! What's the point? Where do they expect this to go?!"
—anonymous
7."Asking for dates way too early in dating app conversations. I get that online dating can be frustrating but like, why on earth would I meet you after four messages?! It's so frustrating and displays a complete lack of basic conversational skills."
"Apps allow us to get to know a bit about each other before we meet, I have zero desire to meet someone with no chat at all, and I honestly don't know any women who do."
—anonymous
8."What I’ve noticed in my dating life (currently 27) is that men in this age group aren’t super emotionally intelligent yet (not all, but most). They never heal from a first heartbreak, and they don’t recognize that if you date/see a girl consistently she is going to catch feelings and ask for commitment, so they need to make it clear they are just having fun and accept they will not get girlfriend privileges because of that."
9."Expecting the behavior of a serious girlfriend from a casual hookup. If we’re casually hooking up, I shouldn’t be meeting your mom or going to your cousin’s wedding because you can’t find a serious date. If you want casual, be casual. But if you want a serious girlfriend, you gotta be ready to be a serious boyfriend."
—anonymous
10."Do not base all your sex moves on staged and scripted porn intended for the male gaze, which is probably what you're watching. It's usually not how real sex works and will set unrealistic expectations. We're not sex objects, we're equal partners, and all it takes is communication and honesty."
11."A lot of men approach relationships believing they're the 'main character' when in reality, a relationship has two (at least) main characters!"
—anonymous
12."Ghosting is the coward’s way out! Man up and have an adult conversation."
—anonymous
13."Your wife/gf/partner/spouse is NOT your mom or your therapist. Learn how to take care of yourself and your space. Learn how to emotionally regulate. Have friendships that go beyond drinking or video games. Develop your own interests and hobbies because being 'nice' is not a substitute for having a personality."
14."Another thing they get wrong is thinking that all women want to be impressed by the guy who pays for everything. No, because that means you think you own us, like an object. Or that we owe you something. You’ve 'done so much for me' by picking up a $19 tab? Nah. Not all women have daddy issues, want to be saved, or need someone to bankroll their life."
—anonymous
15."Ask. For. Consent."
16."The BIGGEST ick: They want you to be a traditional housewife, but when you ask them to take care of the bills while you’re at the house cooking, watching over the children, cleaning...they call you a freaking gold digger. Like wha?? If I’m going to be at the house all day busting my butt, how am I also going to work a full-time job? jeez 🤦♀️"
17."Don’t talk about having kids and a future with a girl if you have no intention to stick around and fulfill that."
—anonymous
18."Practice recognizing when you're in pain so that you can experience and respond to those emotions in a way other than anger. If your feelings are hurt, instead of lashing out, *say that you're hurt*. Yes, some people are assholes and will take issue with that. But do you want to cater to assholes, or do you want to form fulfilling connections with people who actually give a shit about you?"
19."I’m much older than the '20s dating age,' but I believe many young men are stuck on the 'Insta Model' prototype, and they expect… well, THAT. Teaching the realities of womanhood when they’re BOYS would be great. Women are fully formed individuals, not a series of characteristics and features you get to 'pick and choose.' We need to be allowed to be ourselves, and we also need to be 'permitted' to SAFELY walk away from you, if that’s in our best interest."
20."Men in their twenties should focus more on becoming dependent responsible productive members of society and not put all of their time and energy into finding women to hook up with. If you are a good and kind person good things come to you including good relationships. Also, no one owes you anything."
21."A lot of men in their 20s are incredibly shallow. I'm a fat woman and men are absolutely horrible to me purely because of my size. They complain that women are prudes who won't give them a chance, yet they themselves ignore women who aren't stick thin. They miss out on so many relationships because they refuse to confront their fatphobia. Give the heavier girls a chance and stop worrying about what other people might think."
—anonymous
22."Understand that some women's general caution or cynicism regarding men is not a personal insult. If you are a good person, a woman who spends any significant amount of time with you is very unlikely to conclude otherwise (which, it should be noted, in no way means she'll be attracted to you)."
23."Learn what your (potential) sexual partner enjoys in both foreplay and sex before having sex with them. This goes for both for mutual hookups and dating. For dating specifically, wait a minimum of three successful dates and a good make-out session before introducing those questions unless she introduces them first. What your last sexual partner loved may be a turn off to this new person."
—anonymous
24."Caveat: I'm a man in my forties, but there are some things I definitely needed to hear in my twenties. The biggest one is that you shouldn't take relationship advice from male focused places. Back then it was magazines, now it's online forums. I wised up and started treating women the way my dad does, and I've been happily married now for fifteen years."
25."If you're just looking for hookups say that upfront so you can stop wasting everyone's time. There are women who just want sex, go find them and leave the people who are looking for relationships alone. "
26."One thing I think men need to understand — interacting with a guy you've just met is a lot scarier than a man meeting an unknown woman. Not that there aren't creepy women out there, but there's a much greater risk of a woman being attacked by a man."
"So a lot of women need you to take things slow, and get to know you well so they know they can trust you and feel safe. So if you come on too strong, too quickly, you will likely just scare her off."
27."Something they wrongly think is that if we say no to your advances, it means keep trying. Sometimes people just aren't interested, pressuring them or threatening them isn't going to make you like them. It's basically just like a child throwing a tantrum."
28."Be honest about your intentions and don’t play games. If you don’t want us to 'act crazy' don’t mess with our heads. In this day and age most single women will be DTF if that’s all you want so just say it."
29."Love is so much richer when you can deal with and embrace changes, imperfections, differences, etc. The woman you meet at 20 will be a whole lot different when she's 25 and that's a good thing! You're in for a real treat if you can love her and support her through it."
—anonymous
30."Do not ask how many guys she has slept with EVER. It is not your business, and we all know that if it’s a number that YOU personally do not deem acceptable then you just ruined what could have been a good thing. Same applies vice versa. If you are both grown adults not waiting to consummate on your wedding night, it is a given that you both have past sexual partners."
—anonymous
31."When a woman tells you something that is important to her, don't discount it or decide she really means something else — that's gaslighting."
—anonymous
32."Please just ask about boundaries. It's more than just physical. Better for you to check on where we're at so you don't have to assume anything, than risk causing us to silently freak out over something you did or said. If you help create that space to communicate, it's much easier on all parties involved."
—anonymous
33."If you're romantically interested in or platonically into someone, tell them. Not in a way of professing your undying love, but just a 'Hey, I'm interested in you and I want to pursue this connection.' If they don't return the sentiment, take it in stride and move on."
"This keeps everyone's guesswork to a minimum and keeps you from embarrassing yourself. Can't tell how many times I've told a guy to cut it out/back off and he still tried texting me for weeks after until I had to block him."
—anonymous
34."DO NOT stop whatever you’re doing 30 seconds after we tell you we are close to orgasming then have the audacity to ask if we got off. If you have to ask, we most certainly did not. DO NOT STOP UNTIL WE TELL YOU TO."
—anonymous
35.And lastly: "Remember that women have been coached since birth that if they get raped or sexually assaulted, it's their fault. So respect if they want to meet in a public place. Even if you think you are a nice guy and would never do that — the woman you are meeting does not know you, and Schrödinger's Rapist is a thing all women must navigate. And recognize if a woman is raped, chances are it's someone she knows, not a stranger, and that people in their community won't believe her. If you're friends with a guy and a woman you know says he raped her, believe her. You're not a court of law, you don't have to wait for 'innocent until proven guilty.' Most women aren't comfortable reporting, and even if they report, most rapists will never be charged, let alone make it to court. So believe a woman who says she was raped, even if she's claiming some bro you like did it."
—anonymous
Some entries have been edited for length or clarity.
Let's flip the script now. What's something straight men in their 20s are getting right that other men should know about? Let us know in the comments below.
