35 Phrases To Disarm Your Inner-Critic, According to Therapists
Do you ever wish you could mute the voice inside your head?
We may face criticism from bosses, partners and parents. But sometimes, the things we say to ourselves are the most harmful. That's why phrases to disarm your inner critic are so important.
"We are with the voice in our own head 24/7, so if people weren't taught how to be compassionate, loving and forgiving to themselves, that inner voice becomes a critical, harsh voice," explains Stacey Sherrell, LMFT, a Los Angeles-based license marriage and family therapist and co-founder of Decoding Couples.
While we can cut toxic people out of our lives, we're still with ourselves. Sherrell stresses that flipping the script is essential to silence our inner critic.
"Learning how to challenge negative self-talk and replace it with positive, compassionate or neutral self-talk is one of the most effective ways to stop it in its tracks," Sherrell says.
Sherrell and two other mental health providers shared ways to talk yourself out of negative self-talk and silence your inner critic.
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Why Are People So Self-Critical?
You'd think we'd be kind to ourselves, right?
But experts share it's so common to have a loud, obnoxious inner critic.
"Self-criticism is rooted in internalized negative beliefs that we learned during our early developmental years," says Karol Ward, LCSW, a licensed psychotherapist and executive coach specializing in confidence and communication. "In other words, these are the overly harsh and distorted messages we heard or learned while we were growing up."
Ward says artificial standards created by social media also contribute to inner criticism.
How Do You Know You Have an Inner-Critic?
Self-criticism can be so chronic it becomes normal, causing people to miss huge red flags.
"Some of the ways this can show up is by believing you're not good enough, exacerbated by low self-esteem and self-worth," says Sherrell. "In romantic relationships, you've been let down or burned when you've been excited or vulnerable before. In some ways, being your own worst critic gives us a false sense of control to prevent being hurt."
In other words, Sherrell explains that you may find yourself saying, "If I can tell myself the worst parts of myself or criticize everything, it isn't going to hurt when they do it."
Ward says focusing on our strengths can help us disarm our inner critics. So can positive self-talk.
Related: 111 Quotes About Forgiveness That Will Inspire You To Let It Go and Move On
35 Phrases To Disarm Your Inner Critic
1. I am enough as I am.
Sometimes, good enough is just right.
"This phrase can build your self-esteem and provide empowerment to who you are and how you show up in relationships," says Sherrell.
2. I am allowed to be here.
Especially at work, Ward says people who are new to a job criticize themselves for not having the same ease as veterans.
"Reminding themselves that they were hired for a reason stops the negative comparisons," Ward says.
3. Take a breath.
Breathing does more than fill our lungs. It can disarm our inner critic.
"This phrase is a reminder to get out of your head and back into your body, as well as to regulate your nervous system," says Meredith Nisbet, LMFT of Eating Recovery Center and Pathlight Behavior Health.
4. I’m allowed to learn.
We learn by doing and even making mistakes.
"You are allowed to gain experience and knowledge just like everyone else," Ward says.
5. I am deserving of love.
This phrase reminds us of a fundamental principle that Sherrell says people too often forget.
"Believing that you are deserving of love...is a necessary tenet in order to have a healthy relationship," Sherrell says. "If we don't believe this, there is a good chance we attract and find ourselves in relationships that confirm that undeserving thought."
6. I can be loved for who I am.
This phrase takes No. 5 one step further.
"It affirms that not only are you deserving of love and a relationship, but that you are deserving of it because of who you are," Sherrell says. "This can allow people to reflect on their positive traits and characteristics that make up who they are."
7. I’m allowed to make errors.
Despite what your inner critic would have you believe, the old cliche is true: Nobody is perfect.
"This is the toughest one for many people to accept, but it’s important," says Ward. "We grow through learning what works and what doesn’t."
8. I’m allowed to say no.
No is a full sentence, but hustle culture is hard to break free from. Ward has noticed that people feel guilty about setting boundaries—particularly in the workplace.
"Sometimes professionals will be harshly judgmental of themselves for not being superhuman in the workplace," Ward says. "Knowing your limits will help you stay balanced in your professional life."
Related: Adopting This One Simple Phrase Can Prevent 'High Achiever Burnout,' According to Career Experts
9. Would I say that to someone I love?
Are you expecting more of yourself than you would anyone else?
"[This phrase] helps us consider the ways in which we speak to ourselves or standards that we hold ourselves to that we would not feel is appropriate, kind or true for the people we care about," Nisbet says.
If the answer is no, give yourself some grace and your inner critic the Heisman.
10. I can make my partner upset and still be loveable.
Sherrell uses this one with relationship clients, but it can apply to anyone. You will never please everyone all the time.
"This phrase allows two things to be true: you can make someone upset and still be deserving of love," Sherrell says.
11. Everyone has a backstory.
Think your cube mate is perfect? It's probably not true.
"Many times people compare their feelings of professional insecurity against someone else’s apparent confidence," says Ward. "People are more complex than we know, and it’s better to keep the focus on yourself and your journey."
12. It is OK to rely on people.
You're allowed to ask for help.
"This is...an important reminder to give yourself if it feels vulnerable or uncomfortable to rely on a friend," Sherrell says.
13. Apologizing doesn't make me weak.
Made amends to your friends? Now, make amends with yourself and allow yourself to move on instead of ruminating.
"Admitting wrongdoing, owning a mistake or apologizing creates strength and trust in a friendship," says Sherrell. "Don't let your inner critic tell you otherwise."
14. A friendship ending means nothing about who I am.
Friendship breakups can be even more challenging than romantic ones. You can feel your feelings, but don't let your inner critic use it against you.
"Your character and who you are are not exclusive to friendships that stay in your life," says Sherrell. "Sometimes, friendships end, it can be painful, and you are still allowed to be you."
15. I’m allowed to keep things private.
Just because everyone else posts play-by-plays of their lives doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong by living off social.
"Sometimes people criticize themselves for not sharing or posting their attempts at a new skill or hobby," Ward says. "You are allowed to have privacy around new endeavors and reveal them when, and if, you want to."
Ditto for pregnancy announcements, engagements, new relationships and career moves.
16. My creativity is my own.
Creativity isn't cookie-cutter—otherwise, it wouldn't be creativity.
"There are as many ways to creatively express yourself as there are stars in the sky," Ward says. "Stay away from comparing your self-expression against anyone else’s because you are uniquely you."
17. Their feelings don't dictate my worth.
An external critic can validate your inner critic and allow it to get way too cocky.
"This is a reminder that worth comes from within and not from how other's perceive you or respond to you," Sherrell says.
18. Their feelings don't have to be my facts.
This phrase is a slight variation on the one above. It reminds you that just because someone else said something critical to you doesn't mean you need to start playing it on repeat in your own head.
"When we can be critical of ourselves, we put more weight on others' words instead of how we actually feel or view ourselves," Sherrell says.
19. I can walk away from relationships because I deserve good things.
Don't tie your self-worth to your relationship status—particularly if that person is toxic.
"Sometimes our inner critic can make us stay in a dynamic that is less than healthy for us," Sherrell says. "Reminding yourself you are allowed to leave a relationship solely because of you wanting more for yourself is OK."
20. I can set boundaries.
Boundaries are essential, even if your inner critic advises you to "just do it all."
"Boundaries can be challenging to set, and healthy relationships need them," Sherrell says.
21. Thanks, brain, but I don’t need that one.
Nisbet notes that we have thousands of daily thoughts.
"Not all of them are true," Nisbet says. "We can let these thoughts float by like leaves on a stream, acknowledging them without validating or acting upon them."
22. I respect my values.
Ward says that it's essential to honor your values as a way of staying true to yourself. But sometimes, our inner critic can pressure us into making exceptions, often for people-pleasing purposes.
If you find yourself out of alignment, give yourself a non-judgmental pep talk to get back on track.
23. I respect myself for showing up.
You amped yourself up to run a 5K or take a dance class. Now, you're getting cold feet, and your inner critic is so here for it—tell it to scram.
"Taking the first step towards trying or learning something new requires the willingness to try," says Ward. "Honor yourself by acknowledging your effort to make the time."
24. I’m allowed to walk away.
If at first you don't succeed (or like something), try, try again, right?
Actually, think again. Sometimes, giving up is the best thing for you, even if your inner critic is threatening to give you a big, fat F.
"If it doesn’t make your heart sing, it’s more than OK to stop," Ward says.
25. I’m allowed to start again.
On third thought, you want back in. It's OK to go back and forth, take detours and return to a hobby or career you love.
"Sometimes, we learned a skill, but life got in the way for one reason or another, and we blame ourselves for not staying with it," Ward says. "We are allowed to pick that hobby or skill back up whenever we have the time and space to enjoy it again."
26. I can choose relationships that are healthy for me.
Don't let your inner-critic trick you into feeling like you don't have a choice but to keep a toxic person in your life.
"This empowering statement reminds us we always have a choice in who we keep and want to be in our lives," Sherrell says.
27. Reframe.
"Something that’s particularly helpful with self-critical thoughts is to practice reframing the thought to provide an additional perspective," says Nisbet.
For example, if you're concerned about an upcoming doctor's appointment, try saying, "Reframe." Next, Nisbet suggests following it with something like, “I am feeling good and listening to my body, but it’s normal to have concern for my health. Chances are things will be normal!”
Notice the "chances are." That allows you to stay positive without veering into toxic positivity territory, with little to no room for the possibility that something may be up.
"Providing a reframe offers an opportunity for multiple stories to be true," Nisbet says.
28. I have my own style of communication.
Maybe you don't have the same dry sense of humor that makes your colleague a hit in Slack and at work happy hours. That's OK.
"We all communicate differently, and your style of communication and contributing is uniquely yours," Ward says. "Just because you interact with people differently than your colleagues doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong."
29. Everyone makes mistakes.
This classic statement exudes self-compassion, Nisbet says.
30. It’s OK if I don’t feel my best every day.
"A kind, empathetic statement that validates your human experience helps us out of our inner critic and into our inner compassionate friend monologue," Nisbet says.
31. I can make a friend upset if it means staying true to me.
People pleasers, this one is for you.
"This self-talk is key to not giving up who you authentically are to not rock the boat in friendship," says Sherrell. "Being you is way more important than avoiding conflict for healthy friendships."
32. We are allowed to grow together. I don't need to be perfect.
Do you expect perfection from your partner? No? Sherrell recommends you cut yourself some slack too.
"This phrase allows you to remember that all parties of the relationship get to be human," Sherrell says. "As you are trying to disarm your critic, it's helpful to remember the expectations we have of our partner."
33. I am a human being worthy of care and compassion.
Seriously—it's true.
"No matter what our brains say, we are all valuable and worthy of receiving kindness from others and from ourselves," Nisbet says.
34. How can I show up for myself right now?
Your way-too-loud inner critic isn't doing you any favors. But you can show yourself some love in spite of it.
"If we can’t quell the negative self-talk on our own, it’s OK to pursue self-care or ask others for support," Nisbet says.
35. I’m allowed to figure this out.
This statement works in so many situations, but Ward especially loves it to alleviate parent guilt.
"Parents learn 'on the job,' and giving yourself permission to not always know what to do, is perfectly normal," Ward says. "Give yourself the space and grace to learn."
But you can apply this when assuming a new role at work or even starting a hobby.
Next up, 35 Useful Phrases to Combat Imposter Syndrome as Soon as It Strikes, According to a Psychoanalyst
