If we're being real, some of us simply aren't a fan of all the chills, thrills, and every other eerie thing that Halloween brings. To be fair, the holiday does have a pretty ghostly history. Then, we have our scary Halloween movies that are more than enough to have us sleeping with the lights on. However, there are certainly parts of the holiday that aren't as spooky! Take these funny Halloween jokes, for example. They poke fun at all of the creepy things Halloween brings, and make them light-hearted enough for everyone to enjoy!
There are witch jokes, vampire jokes, ghost jokes, and everything in between for the silliest All Hallows' Eve ever. Love some terrible dad jokes? Pull out some corny Halloween puns and riddles. Find out where ghosts shop on Halloween (the ghost-ery store) and what a witch's favorite subject in school is (it's spell-ing). Your kids will get a kick out of these cute Halloween jokes, too—in fact, they're perfect for sneaking in as notes in their lunch boxes!
So what are you waiting for? Keep everyone entertained all season long with these hilarious and festive jokes. They also make excellent Halloween Instagram captions for all your costume pictures and they pair perfectly with Halloween quotes in greeting cards.
Funny Halloween Jokes
Where does the witch usually take her vacation? Anywhere that has a broom with a view.
What do ghosts drink? Mountain Boo.
Why did the ghost leave his job? He hated the graveyard shift.
How did Dracula learn to be a vampire? He took a crash corpse.
When's the best time to cast a spell? The witching hour.
What do you call a cow on Halloween? A boo-vine.
How do you get rid of demons? Exorcise a lot.
Why does a witch ride a broomstick? So she can make a clean getaway.
What’s the best thing to put into a pumpkin pie? Your teeth.
What kind of bread do zombies like? Whole brain.
What's a monster's favorite cheese? Muenster.
Why was the cemetery chosen to be the perfect location to write a movie? Because it had great plots.
What treat do eye doctors give out on Halloween? Candy corneas.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
What position does the ghost play in soccer? Ghoul-keeper.
Have you heard about the poor witch who became a millionaire? It was a rags to witches story.
What do ghosts use to do their makeup? Vanishing cream.
What kind of rocks do ghosts collect? Tombstones.
How do ghosts send letters? Through the ghost office.
What do witches’ cats eat for breakfast? Mice crispies.
Why did the ghost starch his sheet? He wanted everyone scared stiff.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
Did you hear about the crazy vampire? He was totally batty.
Who's in charge of the candy corn? The kernel.
What is a monster’s favorite pet? Creepy crawlies.
Why did the policeman ticket the ghost on Halloween? It didn’t have a haunting license.
When do cows turn into werewolves? During the full mooooooooon.
Why don’t mummies take time off? They’re afraid to unwind.
What does a ghost mom say when she gets in the car? Fasten your sheet-belts.
How do witches play loud music? On their broom boxes.
What did the ghost say when it fell down? It got a boo-boo.
What's a werewolf's go-to pickup line? Howl you doin', good lookin'?
Do zombies eat burgers with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately.
What do you call a hip jack-o'-lantern? Waaay ahead of the carve.
Where do you find the spookiest sweets on Halloween? The ghost-ery store.
Why did the headless horseman decide to get a job? He wanted to get ahead in life.
Why can't a vampire go to a barbecue? They're afraid of stakes.
How much does a bone car cost? A skeleton-ton!
What is a ghost's favorite day of the week? Fright-day!
What does a ghost teacher say to their students? "Watch the board and I'll go through it again!"
What's a bird's favorite Halloween game? Ducking for apples!
Why can’t you invite twin witches to a party? You can never tell witch witch is witch!
What does a ghoul put on its pizza? Monster-ella cheese!
Where do werewolves store their Halloween treats? In a were-house.
How does a ghost get its girlfriend's attention? "Hey, boo!"
Why are ghosts so bad at telling lies? You can see right through them.
What's a ghost's favorite ride? A roller-ghoster.
Why do ghosts never date each other? Someone is bound to ghost.
How do vampires like movie stars? Medium rare.
How does Dracula stay fit? He plays bat-minton!
How does Frankenstein get around town? Monster truck!
What did the skeleton wear to the Halloween party? A human costume.
Why do ghosts like sales? They're bargain haunters!
Why did the skeleton run away? Because a dog was after his bones.
What do witches put on to go trick-or-treating? Mas-scare-a.
What makes trick-or-treating with twin witches so challenging? You never know which witch is which!
Why did the witch take a nap? She needed to rest a spell.
What are two witches living together called? Broommates.
Where does Dracula keep his money? At the blood bank.
How do you fix a broken jack-o'-lantern? With a pumpkin patch!
What do witches ask for at a hotel? Broom service.
Why don't people like Dracula? He's a pain in the neck.
Why did the vampire read the newspaper? Because it had great circulation.
What's a mummy's favorite type of music? Wrap.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the street? He didn't have any guts.
Why are graveyards so noisy? Because of all the coffin!
What do ghosts eat for dessert? Ice scream.
Halloween Jokes for Kids
What happened to the zombie who ran in the race? It came in dead last.
Why don’t skeletons skydive? They don’t have the stomach for it.
Which pumpkins work at the local pool? Life-gourds.
Why did the vampire get glasses? It was as blind as a bat.
Why couldn't the witch make a speech? There was a frog in her throat.
Where do zombies live? On a dead-end street.
How do mummies start their letters? Tomb it may concern.
What does the witch ask her sisters the day after Halloween? Witch one of you has my candy?
Who's the scariest body builder of all time? Dr. Frankenstein.
What do you call a broken Jack-o'-lantern? A crack-o-lantern!
What's the biggest Halloween contest for moms? Mummy of the year!
What room do ghosts not need? A living room.
What kind of pants do ghosts wear? Boo-jeans!
What do you get when you mix a vampire with a snowman? Frost-bite!
What do you call two spiders who just got married? Newly webs.
Where do baby ghosts go during the day? To day-scare!
What game do baby ghosts like to play? Peek-a-Boo!
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom? His ghoul-friend.
What did the Kleenex say to the ghost? Put a little boo-pie in it!
How do you know a skeleton is sick? He’s coffin.
What do you call Winnie the Pooh on Halloween? Winnie the Boo!
What is a skeleton's favorite instrument? The trom-BONE!
What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!
What do skeletons order at a restaurant? Spare ribs.
How do you know when a ghost is sad? He starts boo-hooing.
What's a ghost's favorite play? Romeo and Ghoul-iet.
What's a vampire's favorite holiday? Fangs-giving.
How do ghosts wash their hair? With sham-boo!
What do you call a skeleton who lays around all day? Lazy bones.
What do birds say on Halloween? Trick or tweet!
What's a witch's favorite school subject? Spelling.
What do you call a witch who lives at the beach? A sand-witch.
Why are spiders great baseball players? They know how to catch flies!
Why do ghosts pick their noses? To get the boo-gers!
Halloween Dad Jokes
What kind of medicine do witches use on their warts? I don't know, but it's not working.
What did the witch do when her car broke down? She witch-hiked!
What did the pumpkin say to its carver? Cut it out!
What do you call a movie about zombies finding true love? A zom-com.
Did you hear about the coffin sale? That's the last thing I need.
What did one zombie surfer say to the other? "Creepin' it real."
Why did the vampire need to wash its mouth? It had bat breath.
Which key opens a haunted house? A spook-key!
What did the bat say to the other bat? Want to hang out?
Why did the monster's team lose the baseball game? Their bats flew away.
How do spiders communicate? The World Wide Web!
Why don't they play music in skeleton church? They don't have organs!
Where do mummies like to swim? The Dead Sea.
Why are there fences around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in.
How do you get a werewolf to stop chasing you? Throw a stick and say, "fetch!"
What's a vampire's favorite fruit? A Neck-tarine.
What do you do with a green monster? Wait until it's ripe.
Albert Einstein was a genius... but his brother Frank was a monster!
What's a skeleton's favorite song? "Bad to the Bone."
Why don't werewolves ever know the time? Because they're not when-wolves.
What do dentists hand out at Halloween? Candy. It's good for business.
I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very humerus.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit? Neck-tarine.
What do Italian ghosts have for dinner? Boo-ghetti!
Why can't ghosts lie? Because you can see right through them.
What does a skeleton say before eating? Bone appetit!
Which monster loves to dance? The Boogieman!
What do witches eat for lunch? Sand-witches.
What types of TVs are in haunted houses? Wide scream TVs.
Why are mummies good employees? They get wrapped up in their work.
Why do skeletons hate parties? They have no-body to dance with.
How does a scarecrow drink his juice? With a straw!
What did one ghost say to the other ghost? Do you believe in people?
Halloween Knock Knock Jokes
"Knock Knock." "Who's there?" "Ice cream!" "Ice cream who?" "Ice cream every time I see a ghost!"
"Knock Knock." "Who's there?" "Eddie!" "Eddie who?" "Eddie body home?" "It's Halloween!"
"Knock Knock." "Who's there?" "Bob." "Bob who?" "Bob for apples! It's Halloween."
"Knock Knock." "Who's there?" "Figs!" "Figs who?" "Figs your doorbell so I can stop knocking!"
"Knock, Knock." "Who’s there?" "Bat." "Bat who?" "Bat you’ll never guess!"
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Voodoo." "Voodoo who?" "Voodoo you think you are practicing magic on Halloween?”
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Bee." "Bee who?" "Bee-ware there's a full moon out tonight!"
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Who." "Who who?" "Are you being an owl for Halloween?"
"Knock, Knock." "Who's there?" "Iguana." "Iguana who?" "Iguana eat all your candy."
"Knock, Knock." "Who's there?" "Phillip!" "Phillip who?" "Phillip my bag with candy!"
"Knock, knock." "Who’s there?" "Fangs." "Fangs who?" "Fangs for letting me in!"
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Witch." "Witch who?" "Witch one of you is giving me all your candy?"
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Olive." "Olive who?" "Olive Halloween!"
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Boo." "Boo who?" "Aw, don't cry, it's Halloween!"
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Orange." "Orange who?" "Orange you glad it's finally Halloween?"
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Howl." "Howl who?" "Howl you know who's here if you don't open the door!"
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Ben." "Ben who?" "Ben waiting for candy all day!"
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