Yahoo LifestyleFunny Valentine's Day Quotes That'll Have You in Stitches
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1) Miles Davis
"If you love them in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love them at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love."
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2) Groucho Marx
“I was married by a judge. I should’ve asked for a jury.”
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3) Roseanne Barr
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps."
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4) Ralphie May
"As a man in a relationship, you have two choices: You can be right, or you can be happy."
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5) Chris Rock
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments."
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6) Socrates
"By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
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7) Jimmy Fallon
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all."
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8) Mike Primavera
"You are never alone on Valentine's Day if you're near a lake and have bread."
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9) Henny Youngman
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it."
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10) Lily Tomlin
"If love is the answer, can you please rephrase the question?"
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11) Paul Valery
"Love is being stupid together."
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12) Richard Jeni
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
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13) Lynda Barry
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke."
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14) Lemony Snicket
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess."
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15) Joan Crawford
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
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16) Jules Renard
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties."
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17) Ambrose Bierce
"Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage."
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18) Mae West
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier."
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19) Jean Illsley Clarke
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?"
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20) Bob Hope
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
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21) Garry Shandling
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me."
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22) King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea."
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23) Rita Rudner
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
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24) Charles Schulz
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
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25) Vivian Ward, 'Pretty Woman'
“In case I forget to tell you later, I had a really good time tonight.”
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26) Helen Fielding, 'Bridget Jones's Diary'
“Can officially confirm that the way to a man’s heart these days is not through beauty, food, sex, or alluringness of character, but merely the ability to seem not very interested in him.”
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27) Agatha Christie
“An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.”
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28) Pauline Thomason
“Love is blind—marriage is the eye-opener.”
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29) Jim Baker, 'Sixteen Candles'
“That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call them something else.”
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30) Phoebe Buffay, 'Friends'
“It’s a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life...you can actually see old lobster couples, walking around their tank, holding claws.”
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31) Jack Handey
“Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy’s arm behind his back. NOW who’s asking the questions?”
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32) Will Ferrell
“Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.”
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33) Michael Scott, 'The Office'
“Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”
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34) Dax Shepard
“A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month.”
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35) Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”
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36) Chelsea Peretti
“If you text ‘I love you’ and the person writes back an emoji—no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.”
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37) Mindy Kaling
“True love is singing karaoke ‘Under Pressure’ and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part.”
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38) Rodney Dangerfield
“My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.”
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39) Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.”
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40) Jerry Seinfeld
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.”
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41) Dolly Parton
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.”
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42) Lucille Ball
“It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes.”
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43) Tim Allen
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.”
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44) Elizabeth Taylor
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.”
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45) Phyllis Diller
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.”
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46) Cher
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing—and then marry him.”
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47) Charles Schulz
“Love is sharing your popcorn.”
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48) Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!”
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49) George Wade, 'Two Weeks Notice'
“I find you...annoying.”
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50) Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.”
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51) Cameron Esposito
“I married for love. But the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find your glasses cannot be ignored.”
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52) Eleanor Shellstrop, 'The Good Place'
“I’ve only ever said ‘I love you’ to two men my entire life, Stone Cold Steve Austin and a guy in a dark club who I mistook for Stone Cold Steve Austin.”
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53) Billy Connolly
“Marriage is a wonderful invention. Then again, so is a bicycle kit.”
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54) Chelsea Handler
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”
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55) George Burns
“Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on x-rays, but you know it’s there.”
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