34 Very, Very, Very Funny Parents Who Tweeted Through Another Long-AF Week Of Parenthood
For those of you new to the parenting/chaperone game, here's some good advice for anyone stuck going to children's birthday parties:
Just FYI if a DJ or children's entertainer tells you to "make some noise", never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they'll tell you that they can't hear you and you'll have to make even more noise
— Jack Bernhardt (@jackbern23) October 27, 2023
And make sure you follow all of these hilarious parents on Twitter!
1.
Parents- just remember every time you sneak candy from your child after this Halloween it’s not stealing, it’s giving yourself a competitive wage for services provided
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) October 31, 2023
2.
Obsessed with the stage where preschoolers can talk really well but haven’t figured out what words are commonly used in conversation by kids, right now my 3yo keeps using “certainly” in every sentence like “I certainly do love gummy bears”
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) October 31, 2023
3.
My 3yo: Why do we have to go to other houses for candy? Why can’t we just keep this bowl we have and just watch TV?Me: Yeah... why 𝘤𝘢𝘯'𝘵 we???
— The Dad (@thedad) October 28, 2023
4.
daughter: do I have to brush?me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?daughter: yes, it’s how I make money
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 30, 2023
5.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) November 1, 2023
6.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I'm finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 2, 2023
7.
My son must have a crush on someone. He’s started wearing his nicer pajamas to school.
— LL Gabagool Jay (@JayTorch1031) November 2, 2023
8.
Stages of getting kids ready to leave:1. We are leaving in 15 minutes. 2. We are leaving in 5 minutes. 3. We are leaving in 1 minute.4. Where are your pants?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 1, 2023
9.
My teen is using chopsticks to eat Cheetos so she doesn’t get Cheeto dust on her fingers and can we just fast track her application to Yale now?
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) October 28, 2023
10.
Really ate shit saying “I didn’t know we had a new puppy in the building!” to my neighbor’s toddler who was dressed up like a Dalmatian. Not even a smile from the kid. Rough.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) October 28, 2023
11.
A student asked me if I had a “fire welder” he could borrow and I feel like I should warn his parents
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) October 29, 2023
12.
Peanut M&Ms are a choking hazard, and I take my solemn duty to remove choking hazards from my child's vicinity very seriously.
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) November 1, 2023
13.
I spent an HOUR trick or treating and I didn’t find drugs in any of my kids’ candy. I WAS PROMISED DRUGS
— Anastasia Bverhausen (@SemiSophrosyne) November 1, 2023
14.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 31, 2023
15.
14 has somehow dodged taking a shower for THREE DAYS. my soul left my body and my eyes watered when he hugged me goodnight last night.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) November 3, 2023
16.
I'm sorry we're late, my child insisted she was a "beautiful lizard," and spent 10 minutes pulling herself across the floor on her belly this morning before she would put on shoes.
— Shannon (@ShannonJCurtin) November 2, 2023
17.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”
— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) October 27, 2023
18.
My 5yo wants to know why the neighbors still have their Halloween decorations up, and I didn’t know he was on the HOA board
— meghan (@deloisivete) November 2, 2023
19.
My son just let his girlfriend “borrow” his hoodie, should I tell him.
— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) November 3, 2023
20.
kids are so funny. there were two little girls in the lobby of my building this morning and one was wearing a princess costume. i was like “i like your costume” and the other one immediately goes “i’m eating an apple.” and i just had to be like “wow it looks really good”
— chase (@_chase_____) October 31, 2023
21.
My kid spent the night at his grandparents last night and I just found out he had his grandmother frying chicken for him at 2 o’clock in the morning😒
— A Girl Has No Name (@Nyx_19) October 28, 2023
22.
I’m never more annoyed at my kid than when they’re acting exactly like me.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) November 2, 2023
23.
me: you can't take all that candy to schoolson: then what do I do with it?me: you leave it hereson: with you?
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 1, 2023
24.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
— OyVeyLady (@OyVeyLady) November 2, 2023
25.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 2, 2023
26.
We're having family fun time now children, and we don't like it anymore than you do.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) October 29, 2023
27.
ok but why does my 3yo, aka my backseat driving instructor, feel the need to yell "MOMMY YOU WENT FROUGH A YEWWOW LIGHT" and "MOMMY YOU WENT FROUGH A RED LIGHT" when I am, in fact, quite positive the light was green each time. Gaslit by my toddler? What have I DONE to DESERVE
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) November 2, 2023
28.
a haunted house but there's a kid in every room who needs help with homework
— 🎃🌜🤷♂️Dad Moon Rising 🤷♂️🌛🎃 (@raoulvilla) October 29, 2023
29.
My youngest busted me being the tooth fairy and I was sad for about 5 minutes and then have never felt more free.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) November 2, 2023
30.
A story about second children: The baby was eating Goldfish. My husband thought I was handing the baby Goldfish, I thought he was handing the baby Goldfish, turns out the baby was just eating Goldfish she found in the couch.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) November 2, 2023
31.
HELP it turns out she was referring to the pickle on Masked Singer who was revealed to be SPOILER ALERT Michael Rapaport pic.twitter.com/Ny0rgtLzr8
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) November 3, 2023
Fox via Getty Images / @missmulrooney / Via Twitter: @missmulrooney
32.
In 2015 I posted a picture of some beef stew I made on Instagram with the caption, “beef stew skills on point.” My kids found it tonight and have been making fun of me nonstop for 3 hours.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 31, 2023
33.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 31, 2023
34.
Now that Halloween is behind us, we move into that golden time of year where vague Santa threats do 90% of my parenting
— The Dad (@thedad) November 3, 2023
Don't miss the funniest tweets by parents last week...
32 Hysterical Parents Who Tweeted Through Another LooOOOoooOOong Week Of Parenthood
...or the funniest tweets by parents in October!
I Can't Stop Cackling At These 50 Parents Who Prove Raising Kids Is 100% Not For Everyone
