33 Ridiculously Funny Dad Jokes That'll Make You So Mad You Laughed
Believe it or not, but there's still no Pulitzer Prize for the dad joke. That, my friends, is a travesty because there's a fine art to telling a quality dad joke.
However, if there WERE a Pulitzer Prize for the dad joke, it might go to the funny dads (and honorary dads) over at r/dadjokes. Don't believe me? Here are some of their best groaners:
1."I was the best man for my brother's wedding in Paris. At the reception, I raised my champagne glass and said 'Eggs, cinnamon, bread, and maple syrup.' It was a French Toast."
2."I stopped at a little roadside shack that said 'Lobster tails $5.' I gave the guy five bucks and he said 'once upon a time in a far off land, there was a lobster…'”
3."I told a joke on a Zoom meeting and no one laughed. It turns out I'm not remotely funny."
4."I got arrested today for walking out of an art museum with a painting. I’m just so confused because earlier when I asked the security guard if I could take a picture he said 'yes.'"
5."SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym for Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus."
6."I was alone in the bath. Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!"
7."I told my wife I was building a model of Mount Everest. She asked, 'Is it to scale?' I replied, 'No, it's to look at.'"
8."A woman in labor yells, 'Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Don't! Can't!" The doctor tells her husband, 'Don't worry, those are just contractions.'"
9."A woman was three months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about six months. The woman asked the doctor about her baby."
"Doctor: 'You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.'
Woman: 'No, No, No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?'
Doctor: 'Denise.'
Woman: 'Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?'
Doctor: 'Denephew.'"
10."I told my wife, 'Did you know Old McDonald’s farm has been taken over by Artificial Intelligence?'”
"Her: AI?
Me: AI.
Her: Oh."
11."Did you hear about the man who invented the shovel? Some say he had a ground-breaking invention."
12."My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions, but don't worry. I'll return."
13.“'Have you heard of Murphy’s law?' 'Yeah.' 'What is it?' 'If something can go wrong, it will go wrong.' 'That’s right. Have you heard of Cole’s law?' 'No, what is it?' 'Thinly sliced cabbage and mayo.'”
14."As an American, I'm tired of people saying America is the stupidest country in the world. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world."
15."I handed my daughter an apple. She said, 'But dad, I wanted a pear.' So I handed her another apple."
16."My girlfriend is turning 32 soon...I told her not to get her hopes up. 'After all,' I said, 'We're only going to celebrate it for half a minute.' When she asked me what I was talking about, I pointed out 'This is your thirty-second birthday.'"
17."I fell in love with a girl who only knew four vowels. She never knew I existed."
18."I once swallowed a bunch of synonyms. It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had."
19."Me: 'The baby is only 67% done with pooping.' Wife: 'What? How can you tell?' Me: 'Two turds.'"
20."A group of dolphins is called a pod, and a group of falcons is called a cast. So, if you ever watch the Miami Dolphins play the Atlanta Falcons, technically, you’re watching a pod-cast."
21."A girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture. I told her I'm just looking for a match."
22."I've been telling people about the benefits of eating dried grapes. You know, raisin awareness."
23."Astronaut 1: 'I can’t find any milk for my coffee.' Astronaut 2: 'In space no one can… here, use cream.'”
24."A man at a funeral approaches the widow and asks if he can say a word. She nods her approval and he takes the podium. The man says, 'Plethora,' then exits. 'Thanks,' the widow says, 'That means a lot.'"
25."Is it possible to give someone a skin graft from your butt? Ass skin for a friend."
26."What do you call someone who only believes in 12.5% of the bible? An eighth-theist."
27."How do you get 100 math teachers into a room where only 99 fit? You carry the one."
28."An old man was lying is his bed dying when he smelled his favorite cookies. He rolled out of bed, crawled into the kitchen, and picked up a cookie with all of his strength... but his wife smacked his hand with the spatula and said, 'What are you doin'? Those are for the funeral...'"
29."When my wife was in labor, I would tell her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused. It must have been the delivery."
30."My spouse keeps setting their farts on fire and I think it may be over between us……I just can’t take all the gaslighting anymore."
31."Do you know why milk is the fastest liquid? It's pasteurized before we can even see it."
32."In a freak accident today, a photographer was injured when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people he was photographing did try to warn him."
33."What was more important than the invention of the first telephone? The invention of the second telephone."
HT: r/dadjokes
