33 Seriously Funny Married People Who Are So Brutally Hysterical On Twitter Someone Needs To Stop Them
We rounded up some of the funniest recent marriage tweets we could find, and they are blaringly funny:
1.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
2.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you exactly where something is but now has to get it herself because you couldn't find it.
3.
Been listening to my wife talk about her work drama and I’m trying to think of the best way to let her know I love her but I think I’m on Denise’s side on this one.
4.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
5.
Marriage is amazing because you learn lots of things about yourself. For example, today I learned that my favorite shade of beige curtains is I DON’T CARE PLEASE JUST PICK ONE I’M IN HELL
6.
DATING: Goodnight ENGAGED: Sweet dreams MARRIED: Is the car locked?
7.
Not sure if my wife didn't hear me say I was coming down with a cold or if she is ignoring me. Guess I'd better mention it another 67 times.
8.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
9.
The audacity of my husband not understanding exactly what I’m talking about when I start my sentence halfway through a thought
10.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
11.
Establish dominance in your marriage by watching all 7 seasons of Gilmore Girls under your husband's Netflix profile
12.
My husband decided to learn Moonlight Sonata on the piano and he’s been playing it nonstop for over two hours now. I think this is how true crime novels begin.
13.
My wife has this cute way of saying I need to do something by saying we need to do something.
14.
I'm your wife. You might remember me from such hits as "We are leaving in two minutes" and its sequel "Why are you in the shower?"
15.
So i just learned after 27 years of “umm…sure i guess so, yeah but the other one looked nice too” i have been fired as my wife’s fashion consultant and my daughter now has that job
16.
Asked my husband if he’d put air in my tire and he started explaining how to do it like he’s never been married to me before.
17.
marriage is between two people, one who falls asleep with TV volume on low and one who wants it blaringly loud
18.
Behind every great man is a better woman, just don't tell his wife
19.
My husband misses a lot of really good conversations I have with him in my head.
20.
IKEA needs to provide better descriptions on their furniture like, what is the divorce rate on assembling this tv stand?
21.
Apparently after your wife finishes a pint of ice cream the correct response is not "holy shit I've never been able to finish a whole pint".
22.
Married couples be like I’m gonna tolerate the shit out of you tonight
23.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
24.
Husband: What should we do today? Me: It’s up to you. Husband: Beach?Me: No.Husband: Movie?Me: No.Husband: Museum?Me: No.Husband: Then what do you want to do? Me: I don’t care. You choose.
25.
My wife can make "Can you come in here please?" sound absolutely terrifying.
26.
Netflix needs a Movies Your Husband Will Fall Asleep To So You Can Watch The Lindsay Lohan Christmas Movie category.
27.
Me: Which ones do you think will make me jump higher?Wife: OMG you’re 44 years old, just pick a pair of shoes already.
28.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I'm having an affair.
29.
Marriage can be such a rollercoaster. One minute you're reminiscing over your wedding photos and the next you're asking your partner to please breathe more quietly.
30.
What do you say when you apologize to your wife and she asks, “for what”
31.
I once showed my husband a tweet and he read it out loud starting with the person’s username and date it was tweeted and I’ve never really recovered from that.
32.
My husband ate all the good Halloween candy and now I have to look for a divorce lawyer
33.
my wife is getting the Christmas decorations out. I heard a loud crash and a "ah shit!". I feel the Christmas spirit.
