People Are Sharing "Red Flags" That We Need To Retire ASAP Because We're Shaming People For Stupid Things
Recently, Reddit user u/MuchDuck asked, "What is widely considered a red flag but actually is not?" and people had some great responses! Here are some things people tend to get shamed for that are actually totally normal.
1."Not having a social media presence. I’ve had multiple people tell me that my choice not to use social media was a huge red flag, but in reality I got rid of my accounts because they were making me miserable. I got rid of my Facebook/Instagram/Twitter accounts two years ago, and have been noticeably happier ever since."
2."Not making eye contact doesn't mean someone is lying."
"The entire autism community thanks you for your comment."
3."Same with crossing your arms doesn’t mean you’re being defensive. It’s just how I fucking stand."
4."Not posting pictures with friends on your dating profile. Some people assume you’re anti-social and not pleasant to be around, but I choose not to because I feel weird to post pictures of other people than myself."
5."Not dating for several years. I’ve been told by girls that if a guy has been single for over five years, that’s a problem. So you’d prefer he’d be in 25 relationships in the last five years and wonder why all those relationships didn’t work out?"
6."Being over 40 and never having been married."
7."Having boundaries that mean you have to say no. Employers, manipulative friends, and family see you saying no as you being selfish, unkind, not a team player. You're really just setting boundaries. Which you have to if you're going to make it through adulthood."
8."Not getting along with parents. Some parents are abusive, neglectful, or toxic to be around; and if an adult chooses not to be around that, good for them. Of course, if a person is actively awful to their parents, that's another story."
"Even if their parents seem nice, you never know how they treat their child when nobody's around, or how they treated them in the past."
9."Or somebody not getting along with the SO's parents. My brother's girlfriend complains how my brother doesn't get along with her mom. It's like...YOU don't even get along with your own mom!"
10."Not having many friends. I'm just very introverted, not a weirdo."
"Quality over quantity. Reciprocation is key. I have three close friends, and over the course of our 10+ year friendship we've had rare instances where we've needed to call upon each other in time of great need and always answered the call. No questions asked."
11."Not doing something. 'If they wanted to, they would' is preached an awful lot, but there are plenty of things people want to do and just don’t. It’s just human nature."
12."Being quiet. ... Everyone that works with me, or has to be around me for a long enough time ... realizes I’m a pretty cool dude and like to do fun shit. Someone even told me, 'Ya know mathaiser, I thought you were a huge dork but you’re actually pretty cool.'"
"A thing that worried me a lot when I was a kid/teenager was people mistaking me for being rude when really I was just shy."
"As a teenager, I was generally pretty shy and quiet. I have anxiety and told myself nobody liked me. After HS I started working on socializing and overcoming my anxieties a bit. A good amount of the people I'd end up around saw a very different side of me from what they'd remembered in HS. The funniest part was that most of them would tell me how they thought I never liked them. To them I wasn't shy — they weren't worth my time. What a trip, lol.
It really kind of opened my eyes to the concept of never judging somebody too much without getting to know them. People have so many weird associations built up over their lifetime of experiences that they come to incredibly wrong conclusions about people over something as simple as a person being quiet. It also taught me that everybody has insecurities that tell them they are less than they are, and that I shouldn't be too hard on myself."
13."Being independent, or even a loner. Sometimes we’re just shy and have poor social skills. We’re not 'creeps' or 'weird.' I just do my own thing and leave people alone for the most part unless they want me in their life."
"And some of us have lots of friends and like doing things….very occasionally. And the rest of the time we’ll be reading amazing novels, drinking hot chocolate on our deck with the phone off for days at a time.
It’s not that we don’t like you, or that we are hard to be around, it’s that our inner life is a lot more complex and interesting to us. ... Introverts are not less than."
14."Living with family; In this day and age it’s just not feasible for everyone to have their own place."
"Lots of people are in college, saving up, or just can’t afford it because housing and rent are unreasonably expensive. You could have a decent job and be responsible and great in a lot of ways and living with your parents somehow negates all that?"
15."Not owning a car. Idk how that's a red flag for some people, but personally, I think public transport is superior."
"In America, we've let the culture come to a point where in most places you A) need a car and B) are considered low value without one. Some people shame people for taking the bus at $30/month when we pay north of that for weekly gas."
16."I have been criticized and been told I will never be in a good relationship because I don’t want to go to college. I am sorry that I don’t want to go into debt when I am able to make around the same as a person with a college degree, with only going to trade school for a few thousand dollars."
"Not going to college. I plan to go personally but some people don't. I've been raised to believe people who go to college have their life together or are smarter than the average person. I've learned pretty quickly that people who don't go to college aren't stupid or anything. Some just have a different life path or can't afford it or found a job or business that works out better than any college opportunities would've given. College doesn't define a person's worth. It's just an expensive tool to get some people where they want to be."
17."I once met a girl who thought it was a red flag that I always placed my phone screen down on a table. She thought it meant I was hiding something. I had to try and explain that it's too big to keep in my pocket and it's screen down to be polite and show her that she has my undivided attention."
18."Not answering the phone or the door just because someone is calling or knocking. Once upon a time if you couldn’t get a hold of your friend or family member right away, you assumed they were already busy doing something and you found something else to do. If it was of actual importance you would leave a BRIEF message describing why you called. Now if I don’t jump up off the toilet just to see who is knocking on my front door or calling my landline (I have bad cell reception where I live) without texting first people act like I’m dead or I’m being an asshole. It’s so easy to text first that if you refuse to do it, I find that a red flag."
19."Not responding to texts immediately. No Brenda, I'm not ghosting you, I am literally at work."
20."Girls with stuffed animals. It’s just comfort and habit. Not that deep."
"I am a guy with stuffed animals, even if it's just collecting them rather than sleeping with them. I can guarantee you that it's not a shaming toward girls only."
21."Not wanting your partner(s) to have the passwords to all your social media accounts."
"It's just weird. My husband and I sometimes leave things open on shared devices and each of us just respectfully logs out and logs in with our own credentials. We don't open each other's mail, either. There's a basic level of respect and trust you need to have in a relationship. If you feel the need to snoop, there's a lot more going on and the relationship has probably been on the rocks for a while. There are more mature ways to handle it — like being open with your feelings and having a frank conversation."
"Relationships still need privacy. If you can’t trust your partner enough to allow them that, you are simply in the wrong relationship."
22."The amount of women I know that take it as a red flag that a guy doesn't pay for all dates/buy them things...I'm proud of what I have done with my life and that I can go do those things myself, I like a guy that treats me as an equal. That is not a red flag at all to me."
23."Finding other people attractive while in a monogamous relationship. Not actually cheating, but just simply finding other people attractive. A lot of people think that means they’ll IMMEDIATELY cheat or are thinking about cheating. No, that’s not how that works. People, monogamous or polyamorous, are going to be attracted to more than one person. That’s just how people are. The choices they make around said attraction is a different story."
"But seriously, people who get jealous of their partner finding other people attractive are A) way too insecure to be in a relationship, B) too immature to be in a relationship, and C) are serious hypocrites because it’s almost impossible (if you do have romantic attraction) to not be attracted to multiple people. If you think you are only attracted to this one person while in a relationship, you’re not, you’re obsessive to the point of being unable to focus on anything else, which isn’t healthy."
24."Not wanting a relationship, or not wanting certain things in a relationship (sex included). Not everyone wants the same things and not everyone likes the same things."
"I agree: There are so many people telling me that I should get a girlfriend someday, and most of the time when I say I just don't want to be in a relationship, they ask me if I'm gay (Idk how people reach that conclusion) or the 'You'll want to be in the future.'"
25."Men that like children and babies. Why do we assume every guy that likes babies is a pervert and a woman can't be?"
"I've had a scenario happen when me and my boyfriend were talking at a family and friends cookout. ... My boyfriend was talking and he mentions, 'Oh, I LOVE kids! I think they're so cute!' or whatever reason, the people hearing the conversations DID NOT like that. They held their breath, stopped smiling, or immediately walked away to do something else. The person he was talking to was very obviously forcing a smile and went, 'Ohh, thats cool.'
... I had to stress to my boyfriend that it wasn't okay. He was obviously distraught by that day, and he kept brushing it off saying it was fine. It was not fine, it was complete bullshit and it wasn't fair to him that he isn't allowed to just express that he thinks kids are adorable. ... Guys deserve to think kids are cute too without being looked at as some kind of predator in waiting."
26."Every middle-aged man with a camera is NOT a pedophile. I used to love photography, 35mm film especially. But today, I can hardly even take out a camera without getting a stink eye."
27."Men having female friends. A lot of girls get jealous, but if it's a real friendship and not a bunch of exes and hookups, it actually shows women consider them reliable and good people to have around."
28."Being 'clingy.' Now ACTUALLY being clingy and overstepping boundaries IS a red flag. But these days a lot of things that are perceived as clingy are just people showing genuine interest as opposed to trying to 'play it cool.'”
29."Going to therapy."
"Someone that is working on themselves and is either financially well off or has good insurance? Swoon."
30."Jealousy. It’s a human emotion. Feeling jealousy isn’t a red flag. Now, punching the wall, or taking that feeling of jealousy out on a person IS a red flag."
"I 100 % agree with this. If anything, admitting to jealousy and being able to communicate those NATURAL feelings in a healthy way and without hostility should be a massive green flag. Even if your feelings are unfounded, irrational feelings are still feelings. Of course if it goes too far (like not wanting your partner to be friends with the opposite sex) it's a red flag but that's the case for basically everything."
31."Being weird in an innocent way. Like society shuns anyone who thinks outside a set of parameters. When really it's just a different way to view the world."
32.And finally..."Single guy with a cat. I am NOT a monster, god dammit!!!"
Submissions have been edited for length/clarity.
