32 Absolutely Perfect Texts That Make Me Laugh Uncontrollably No Matter How Many Times I've Seen Them

1.The horse text:

"Merry Christmas to you all! So grateful to have you and your critters in my life; it's been wonderful" Response: Horse Xmas

2.The popular-singer text:

"Who is that singer I like, Fella pupa"; "??? Dua Lipa" "Yes"

3.The deal-of-a-lifetime text:

Person wants to pay for a $40 dresser with "$40 worth of apples"

4.The extremely bad-timing text:

Person sends a series of texts about how hurt they are that the person doesn't return their feelings, and response is, "Is your ice cream machine working can I have a small Oreo Mcflurry" and "Oh my god I didn't mean to send that I was driving"

5.The animal-brawl text:

"If you ever want to kill an hour with a guy ask him what animals he thinks he could take in a fight": "What animal do you think you could take in a fight?" "Maybe a horse, do I get prep time?" "Yeah, but the horse gets it too"; "Then no"

6.The sunflower seed text:

"Me lookin at the 7-11 cashier yell 'Get the fuck out' knowing damn well I'm about to rapid fire sunflower seeds in his face" with photo of someone looking like they're about to explode

7.The "Do Not Disturb" text:

"I'm driving with Do Not Disturb While Driving turned on; I'll see your message when I get when I'm going" "(I'm not receiving notifications; if this is urgent, reply 'urgent' to send a notification through with your original message)"

8.The meeting text:

"Hey Sammy! I hope you're having a good day; I wanted to tell you that I am out of town next week, so I won't be able to join our meeting next Wednesday"; "Chicago O'Hare International Airport"

9.The miracle-of-life text:

Grandpa's response to photo of swaddled newborn: "Ok"

10.The most profound text:

"Is it slow?" "Dead, and they had me open an hour earlier" "Egg Wtf*" "Egg"

11.The Timmy text:

"Are u TIm?" Response: a frog pic and "Tim I am not, frog I have got, happy I be, frog unto thee; frog has been shared, none shall be spared"; "Your no. and Tim's differ by only one"; "Tell me of Tim, his no. append, and to his phone a frog I shall send"

12.The "quick word from our sponsors" text:

How are you? "I'm good but I'd be better if I had you in my arms"; "Moood, also smooth"; "You know what else is smooth? The transition to today's sponsor 'glass wire'": "Monitor your network activity and protect yourself from harmful sites"

13.The delibery text:

"delibery ready" "8-minute timer started" "Can you please leave it by the door of apt2" "delibery"

14.The "Happy New Year" text:

"Happy 2023 everyone"; response: photo of a hamster/gerbil drinking from a bottle with 'cement' caption"; "What is this Pat?" "Cement"

15.The deep-question text:

Person asks if butterflies feel humans in their stomach when they're in love

16.The decision text:

Person who thinks Roe v Wade is a boxing match

17.The twin text:

Person who says their mom had twins, and someone asks "how many?"

18.The WYM text:

Person who doesn't know what wym means, and every time someone explains with "What you mean," they ask "What does wym mean"

19.The quick-photo text:

Person says they're still selling that Mercedes, and when person asks for a photo, the seller sends a picture of themself

20.The heartfelt-message-from-Grandpa text:

Grandpa responding to this text: "Our puppy Harley can down with an unknown illness and is not going well, he is at the vet, please pray for him" with a pic of brisket and text "Brisket I made today"

21.The mower text:

Person trying to trade a $19,000 car for a riding lawn mower that the seller will have to pick up

22.The sentimental text:

Text message from a grandmother: "I think about you often; today it was at the airport sitting on an automatic flusher that flushed twice while I was sitting on it"

23.The Joe text:

Person asks if it's Joe or if they have the wrong number, and person responds repeatedly with "Joe mama"

24.The old-friend text:

"I just whispered 'hello old friend' to my favorite toilet at work because I haven't used it in over a year, then someone in another stall cleared their throat"

25.The portrait text:

Person sends a photo of themself and says they hear the person's a good oil painter and they'd like them to paint them, and response is a scrawl on a looseleaf paper and the message "I think you have the wrong number but I gave it a go"

26.The Amazon text:

Person wants to return a product to Amazon that their child purchased called "Extreme Farts Extension Pack"

27.The Murf text:

Photo of an animated cartoon character with text "Kinda looks like my grandpa" and response is "Murf"

28.The Arkansas text:

Person tells someone they got hacked, and when they say they did, person says "People are some weirdos" and gets "Arkansas" in response

29.The testing text:

Person who thinks a pregnancy test is a covid test

30.The mood text:

Mom asking what does mood af mean, and the person explains it and they ask "Why did you comment that under a video of a gorilla throwing his own shit"

31.The son text:

"Hello my beautiful son just wondering did you heat my hummus as it seems to have disappeared and I was so looking forward to it"; "Maybe"; "Fucker"

32.And the grandma text:

Grandma texts "I am Grandma"