Fighting For My Life Reading Through These Weird, Desperate, And Cringeworthy Dating App Screenshots
I keep asking you to send me your most baffling, disturbing, and all-around ridiculous dating app screenshots, and you keep exceeding my expectations! Let's see if you can make it through these without chucking your phone at a wall.
1.This list of red flags:
My response: WHAT a ride! Gosh, each sentence just topped the last. I didn't even know what I was in for! I thought it started on a bad note, but wow! It got worse with every twist and turn! I really can't imagine why this gem is still single. Maybe that hot ex isn't the only one with some narcissism to address.
2.This bio with LOTS of STIPULATIONS, and also LOTS of ALL CAPS:
My response: Lots to unpack here, but I think there's really only one thing to be said: No real "alpha male" would ever have to call themselves an alpha. If you have to call yourself an alpha because there's no other evidence to support your "alpha-ness," well, I've got news for you...
3.This charmer with some pretty high expectations:
My response: This made me want to gag...and not on this dude, just on the baby barf that's forming in my throat from reading this.
4.This unconventional artist:
My response: My one-word review is pretty simple: YIKES.
5.This hopeless blow-mantic:
My response: If that's all you're looking for, you could just pay someone to do it. So far, seems like your approach of trying to find someone willing to do it for free isn't going so well.
6.This unwarranted and unwanted behavior:
My response: I want to digitally smack this person upside the head. WHO RAISED YOU?! They then tried to act like YOU were the problem for your reaction to their disgusting conduct? I wish I could say your reality check might've helped them do some introspection, but I can just tell they think you're somehow the villain here. What a sorry excuse for a man.
7.This cringey compliment that just wouldn't end:
My response: What in the Wattpad did I just read? This is so WEIRD! Too much specificity. Too many details. Too much emoji use. In short: IT'S ALL TOO MUCH.
8.This funky fun fact:
My response: Yeah, I'm surprised...surprised you decided to lead with that!
9.This experimental approach:
My response: I feel like I need to take a shower just from reading this.
10.This incredible reading comprehension:
My response: You do get to pick your prompts, you know? There are a lot to choose from. I understand reading comprehension can be hard, but I am begging you to put even half an ounce of effort into this. It's just embarrassing.
11.This honest review:
My response: Katie, I love you. You humbled this king a little bit, and I want to thank you for doing your part. He's so funny for including this, unless he doesn't see why it might be funny, in which case, at least he's honest!!
12.This tongue-twister of a bio:
My response: Reading this made smoke come out of my ears. Also, a little redundant, no?
13.This guy who talked a little too much about money and his mom:
My response: The salary question gave me the ick, but what really threw me over the edge was the comparison to his own mother and her "wild" behavior. YIKES! Also, that's not what Type A means???
14.This creepy question:
My response: I don't love where he's drawing his inspiration from. Also, what an opener! How are these people real?
15.This lousy spouse:
My response: Ugh, this is just gross. Why do people do this? It's so disrespectful and low.
16.This prompt that gets straight to the point:
My response: I'm honestly so on board with this self-awareness, but man this sounds like a real headache. It's a great disclaimer though for all other Hinge users that may stumble upon this person!!
17.This overshare:
My response: Just when I thought it couldn't possibly get more weird, the hashtag sent me into a tailspin. They just don't know when to stop, do they?
18.This incredible confession:
My response: Uhh, same, I guess? Again folks, the prompts are not assigned; they are chosen. You CHOOSE.
19.This guy who is really just looking for a hole for his pole:
My response: Charming. "Very verbal and rough" sounds genuinely frightening. Sound the alarms!
20.This pushy planner:
My response: At least they showed you right away what kind of person they are and what they're expecting from you! Also, they said they had no plans yet, but then they said they weren't free until after 10:00 p.m.? Give me a break.
21.This compelling conversationalist:
My response: I bet conversation isn't the only thing this guy dries up.
22.This guy who is not at all self-centered and is definitely tons of fun to be around:
My response: The physical descriptors took me out because dude, do you not have any pictures of yourself? If you fit those qualities (we could skip that "well-endowed" one though), surely people would gather that from your photos. Or do you not have any pictures of yourself? What are you hiding??? Yeah, NEXT.
23.This embarrassingly desperate intro:
My response: Okay Mr. Jackhammer, calm down.
24.This person who seems to be planning an interview or interrogation, not a date:
My response: I really find that time stamp at the top of the bio so freaking hilarious. God, it's just all so aloof and clinical. You're not setting up job interviews! This isn't a parent-teacher conference. Good grief.
25.This "pointless" profile:
My response: You sound like you're real fun at parties.
26.This bio that's totally not bitter or anything:
My response: Yeah, I'm sure that approach is going to make your profile wildly popular. Great call!
27.This descent into madness:
My response: Call me old-fashioned or uptight or whatever, but I don't think it's *ever* funny to make cringey jokes about murder on your DATING APP PROFILE. You are a STRANGER trying to attract OTHER STRANGERS. Why is murder on your mind? Why do you feel the need to even joke about it? It's UNUSUAL.
28.This unusual hobby:
My response: A few things: 1) Maybe they made a typo/used the wrong term. Let's hope it's that one. 2) This could be some sort of weird Andrew Tate reference — in which case, that's so embarrassing. 3) This person is vile and has a terrible sense of humor (if you can even call this a joke). 4) This person should be investigated by authorities.
29.This downward spiral:
My response: It started with some potential, but once we got to the percentages, I nearly gave myself a headache from rolling my eyes so hard. From there, it all went to crap. This person needs a therapist, not to be jumping into another long-term relationship.
30.This mansplain on mansplain on mansplain:
My response: Insufferable, lol.
31.Finally, this opener that's a leg closer:
