30 Married People On Twitter Who Refused To Be Anything But Hilariously Ruthless
Marriage is full of ups, downs, and seriously hysterical in-betweens.
Showtime
So it's a good thing we have the seriously funny husbands and wives on Twitter to sum it up in all its hilarity:
1.
I tested the strength of my husband by having him rearrange the living room furniture. I tested the strength of our marriage by having him move the furniture back to where it originally was.
2.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
3.
My wife and I were just making fun of the Love is Blind people, briefly forgetting that she told she loved me and wanted to marry me 3 days after meeting me on a lesbian cruise
4.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
5.
How can my husband not know I’m angry at him when I’ve told him I’m not angry at least ten times now?
6.
today I discovered my husband still has me in his phone as “Elyssa Brooklyn” which is SO FUNNY because he’s still in my phone as “don’t pick up”
7.
i just wish my wife looked at me like she looks at a sale at target.
8.
I’ve been working at home with my husband for two years now, yet still every single day noon rolls around and we’re like “oh god, lunch, what on earth can we do for lunch”
9.
Husband: I can’t remember the last time you were mad at me. Me: I remember it like it was yesterday. Husband: Was it yesterday?Me: Yes.
10.
My wife won an argument before I walked out the door this morning so I got in her car and moved the driver's seat all the way up.
11.
I don't know whose husband needs to hear this but there is a door in the bottom of the toaster so you can dump the crumbs out.
12.
Not to brag, but my husband and I like the thermostat at the same temperature.
13.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?Me: Yes.Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?Me: OMG it’s him.
14.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids. Marriage is easy.
15.
Wife: What's so funny?Me: *laughing at a dirty joke I just now got from a movie I watched when I was thirteen* Nothing.
16.
yeah i sleep with a white noise machine ive been married to him for almost 11 years
17.
couples don’t need couples therapy before they get married. they need to go to IKEA
18.
My husband and I exchanged Valentine's Day cards 2 days ago in the card aisle at Target and then returned them to the shelf because we'd rather purchase Valentine's Day cannolis.
19.
Wife: [looking angry]Me: You in a bad mood?Wife: Yes.Me: Was it something I did?Wife: Probably.
20.
I'm the kind of wife who will help my husband look for his chocolate that I ate.
21.
A truck is here to cut a giant tree down in my neighbor’s yard, so now my husband has to cancel all his plans and stand by the window for the next 2 hours.
22.
Are you a happily married person or did you just see the photo your husband took of you
23.
My wife knows exactly where she wants to go for dinner, she's just not telling anyone.
24.
DOCTOR: How did you manage to pull a muscle in your neck, back and leg? ME: No idea WIFE: He was trying to roundhouse kick a bee
25.
You can either have a good day or your husband can put a bookshelf together, you cannot have both
26.
Marriage status: Had a heated argument about which of the Property Brothers was which.Let the record show I lost.
27.
Therapist: How did last weeks activity go?Husband: I gave her a list of reasons I appreciate her Me: I made a list tooHusband: It was a list of errandsMe: Errands I would APPRECIATE you doing
28.
my wife just asked if i wanted to watch a movie when we get home. It's 8:39pm already. does she think I'm 20?
29.
Me: That was a great salad. Husband: You ate shredded cheese and a bag of croutons. Me: Close enough.
30.
My husband beat me at Wordle this morning. Please pray for our marriage during this trial.
