29 Tweets That Will Prepare You For The Realities Of Married Life

Before marriage - I can listen to you talk all day.
After marriage - Get to the point, I have to pee.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) February 22, 2018

If you’ve never dug a food label out of the trash to prove a point, are you even married?

— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) February 15, 2018

I can’t be sure but either my husband’s snoring woke me up or the earth itself cracked in half.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) February 16, 2018

DATING: I thought it was sad when I’d see a married couple at a restaurant not talking.
MARRIED: We carry on an entire conversation about the couple on a date at the table next to us using only our eyebrows.

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 19, 2018

Wife: Want to go grocery shopping with me?

Me: I'm kind of busy.

Wife:

Me: My schedule just opened up.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 19, 2018

For every year of marriage, your wife will put on her pajama pants 20 minutes earlier.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 9, 2018

If you've been married for any length of time, you've thought about grocery shopping during sex. Don't front.

— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) February 15, 2018

I can now wear my 13 yr old son’s hoodies and all my other needs can be outsourced, so my husband has outlived his usefulness.

— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) February 22, 2018

It was when my wife handed me a can of Febreze through a cracked bathroom door that I knew the romance was still alive

— Mr. Hook (@Phook75) February 18, 2018

Prayers for my husband who just saw me take a handful of Oreos out of the pantry and said, "I thought you were on a diet."

— Danielle and Farrah (@effinghandbook) February 20, 2018

Like a cat dropping a dead mouse at the doorstep, my husband leaves empty pop cans by the sink.

— Mary (@AnniemuMary) February 2, 2018

My wife always says that I act like a baby when I’m sick but that’s only because she gets mad when she has to drive me around in the car to fall asleep.

— Chez McCorvey (@CelebrityChez) February 22, 2018

We put a couch beside our treadmill so I can have somewhere to sit and eat chips while my husband does his little “workout.”

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) February 20, 2018

My wife looked at me longingly this morning, staring deeply, and said those words every person loves to hear:

"You have an eye booger."

— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) February 22, 2018

Husband: Did you get the spinach I asked for?

Me: Isn't it in that box?

H: These are doughnuts.

Me: Oh shit, must have mixed them up. Could have sworn I got spinach.

Husband:

— Mommy Thoughts (@momthoughts13) February 20, 2018

Me: Ok, agree to disagree
Wife: No

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) February 21, 2018

It’s like my husband doesn’t even appreciate that I changed from my gross sweats into my good sweats before he got home.

— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) January 27, 2018

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

— The Dad (@thedad) February 16, 2018

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. The fast food place got her order wrong and I didn’t check it.

— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) February 17, 2018

Sometimes asking your wife if she needs anything from Target is all the foreplay needed

— Mr. Hook (@Phook75) February 15, 2018

My wife asked me to hand her the thing-a-ma jig and I gave her the remote control when it turns out she was asking for the phone charger and now she doesn’t even know who I am anymore.

— fundy (@funderlaw) January 20, 2018

WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.

— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) February 22, 2018

My husband & I get along great as long as we don't talk about money, work, kids, where to eat, how much my makeup costs, why he's in the bathroom THAT long, etc.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 10, 2018

If the marriage vows had said “in sickness, health, and leaving the cereal box out with the bag open,” I’m not sure I would have agreed to them.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) February 17, 2018

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) February 17, 2018

Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet

— ERIC (eric) (@ericsshadow) November 14, 2017

My husband still asks “what color Gatorade?” Like we are newlyweds.

— 🥨 10,000 Pretzels 🥨 (@MommaUnfiltered) February 11, 2018

Told the airline I had an emotional support husband and we laughed and laughed and laughed.

— Boo Meringue (@Izianikapani) February 17, 2018

At some point in our marriage my husband decided it was acceptable to clean out his sinuses while washing his face.

I let this happen.

— Cathryn (@AngryRaccoon2) February 23, 2018