29 Brutally Hysterical Parents On Twitter Who Have Me Laughing In A Way I Know Damn Well I Shouldn't Be
We rounded up some of the funniest recent parenting tweets we could find, and they are seriously — and brutally — hysterical:
1.
Parenting is knowing not to mention the mere possibility of doing some awesomely exciting activity, unless you damn well intend for it to definitely occur
2.
First rule of maintaining a healthy marriage while parenting an infant is nothing that’s said between 1:00am and 5:00am can be held against you
3.
I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older and she laughed so hard she cried a little
4.
My toddler just walked by saying ‘cinnamon bitch’ over and over, and I felt attacked until I realized he meant ‘son of a bitch.’ Crisis averted.
5.
You know how there’s always that one coworker who doesn’t stop talking and won’t let you get any work done? That’s basically what it’s like having a kid.
6.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
7.
Me: How was your day?12-year-old: Bad.Me: Why?12: Other people.Me: Say no more.
8.
My 9 yo just came downstairs and said he and his 7yo brother were playing a game they called doggy style.They were dressing up our dog in different clothes. I almost died.
9.
If you gave a toddler a DNA test the results would probably be 30% chicken nuggets, 67% ketchup and 3% unknown.
10.
Me: Man I suck at life My husband: it’s okay I do tooMy 6yo: you guys are suck buddies!
11.
You think your coworker is toxic? Mine steals things from my desk, spills crumbs on my chair, and then has the audacity to need a diaper change.
12.
Every invitation to a kid's birthday party should include a link to an Amazon gift registry with presents they actually want and a note stating if alcohol will be served.
13.
My 3yo is flat out refusing to put on pants unless I can produce a pair with pockets and this is a movement I can get behind.
14.
Me: you have to go potty, bud?4: no, I’m just holding my penisMe: ok4: like a king
15.
I introduced my kids to Ramen too early and they're tired of eating it and now I have no idea how they're going to survive in college.
16.
My 5yo told me she wants to be an astronaut. I told her that at her age I also wanted to be an astronaut. She looked at me, "and then you grew up and didn't even get a job." *silence*
17.
After successfully growing tomatoes this year, I asked my son what we should grow next year. He said he wants to grow pizza.
18.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
19.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with - what I am told are - a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.GRAVES.
20.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
21.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
22.
My 5yo asked, "Do mountain climbers slide back down the mountain on their butts?" and a more valid question has never been posed.
23.
Thoughts and prayers for my 5yo who’s distraught because the hoodie he wants to wear has a hood
24.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today? 4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie me:
25.
In case you ever wondered about the joys of parenting, my child just requested chicken nuggets, but with no chicken in them. “you can just take the chicken out”
26.
I feel so blessed to have so many photos of my kids on my phone. Especially the 89 pictures of my daughter’s nostrils.
27.
If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery then my wife will be so proud of our son for dropping the F-bomb at kindergarten today
28.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I'm "SO old", so I'm going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
29.
Me: Wow. This song is really old.10-year-old: Yeah. I think it's from nineteen-something.Me: Go to bed.
