28 Polyamorous Vs. Monogamous Stories That Show Just How Different Relationships Can Be
Recently Reddit user u/Raoulchloe asked the community: "What do you think about monogamy?" and the responses were intriguing. They shared their monogamous and polyamorous relationship stories, revealing various eye-opening experiences. So, here's what people *truly* think about monogamy vs. polyamory:
Note: Not all posts below reflect every monogamous and polyamorous relationship. Everyone's experience is different, whether it's a one-on-one connection or an open relationship.
Note: Some posts are from subreddit R/Polyamory.
1.Pro-monogamy: "My wife is the one person I can be absolutely real with. She knows my most personal thoughts, fears, and dreams. We support each other, and it's nice to know that no matter what, there's that one person who has your back. 36 years later and I wouldn't want anyone else. I came home early from a day of fishing yesterday just because I wanted to be with her, and when I work from home, we're together most of the time. My username says I love fishing, but it should really be: 'love_that_wife.'"
2.Pro-polygamy: "Recently I was gushing with one of my girlfriends about how much we both loved our mutual girlfriend, and I was not expecting how emotionally powerful it'd be! Because of certain events from the day, we got to see each other providing support, comfort, and love to our mutual partner, and we both loved what we saw. Later on, we talked about how meaningful it was to each of us to see someone we love supported and loved so deeply. It's like the feeling of your best friend getting along with your partner, but turned up 11 notches — we both appreciated seeing the way we love someone. We've only been dating a couple of months (I've been dating our mutual partner for a year, and they've been dating for around three years), so this was something of a preview of how we'll show up for each other. I'm just filled with feelings of love."
3.Pro-monogamy: "For context, I've been with my wife for 14 years. I don't think I could do a proper polyamorous relationship. Being one of several people in a relationship with my wife, even if the primary, would require me to be a super-balanced and secure person (and chief, that isn't me — no matter how much I want to be). So, I don't think polyamorous relationships are bad — I just think I would not be good at them. I guess I'm saying that monogamy may not be my ideal, but I am sure as hell not cut out for anything else (not even some bullshit fantasy where 'I am the king and have all of these lovely women who only have eyes for me, and I get to sleep with all of them'). I could be better at being a husband most of the time, so I reckon I'd be shit at being a husband to more than one woman."
4.Pro-polygamy: "We experience an emotion called compersion. It's basically a feeling of deep happiness when you see a person you love being loved by someone else. You know how great they are and have a deep connection and commitment to them, and it makes you happy to see them experiencing the joy of love from an outside perspective. You know you love loving them and that it makes them feel great, and you like seeing them feel great. So, you aren't threatened or made jealous by the other person because your own love isn't being diminished in any way. Your relationship isn't at stake — it's a really beautiful thing to embrace when you feel it."
5.Pro-monogamy: "Monogamy is such a huge turn-on for me. Having someone who chooses me and that I choose to choose is just so fucking secure — it feels safe and warm and lovely to be in that space. It really works for me. It's amazing to know that both of us had (and still have) lots of other options, yet choose to be satisfied with just one another anyway. It feels amazing that there are plenty of other people she could be with, yet she chooses me over and over again. And on my end, there are plenty of other people I could be with, too — there are plenty of other people I find attractive, and even sometimes crush on. Yet, it is so rewarding to me to make the choice to take charge of my feelings and be happy with her. And it is a choice — married monogamous couples absolutely have the freedom to cheat whenever they like, or divorce and find someone knew. Every time I make that choice, our relationship gets better and more exciting."
6.Pro-polygamy: "About three months ago I got dumped by my non-primary, and we're going through a divorce. Now that I'm at a turning point with my grief, I'm on the path to becoming the person I've wanted to be since I found the name for what I've always thought about love. I currently have two partners — one I met before the breakup, and one who's a friend turned 'something more.' Tonight I'm sitting here, munching on some munchies, and I can't help but have a huge grin on my face. Both of my partners are currently with other partners, and I'm just so freaking happy. I have so much compersion for my partners, and for the thought of them being happy with others. I also have it because I'm able to enjoy my own time and do whatever I want. For the first time in my life, I don't feel lonely. In my 29 years of life, I'm starting to feel whole. I'm happy to feel this way, and appreciate it for however long it lasts."
7.Pro-monogamy: "If my partner suggested a poly lifestyle, I'd pretty much view it as the writing's already on the wall. For me, the discussion would already have me making my exit plan. There are a few ways that discussion would come about — they've probably already met someone they want to sleep with, and the discussion is about permission; they're dissatisfied with monogamy and want to search for someone else; or they're already sleeping with someone else. Either of those excuses/options is a hard no for me. I wouldn't need to explore it further. It's no judgment on them; they can be free and pursue what they feel and need — but I would need to as well."
8.Pro-polygamy: "I (a polyamorous person) recently started dating someone who's ethically non-monogamous who said they couldn't 'do poly' because they didn't think they could handle feelings for two people at once. I was her 'target' for a 'serious' relationship rather than casual dating. I've made it clear that I don't do 'casual with no feelings' relationships very well — I fall in love. She went out for drinks with someone I don't know personally, but who I've been following on a niche social media site. She had a great time, and told me she thinks she understands how it's possible to have feelings for two people at the same time. I'm so happy for her to be able to feel this way — I'm also relieved because it means there isn't a competition for some arbitrary piece of her heart. I can refocus on getting to know her better, and enjoy her company. Everyone wins!"
9.Pro-monogamy: "I honestly don't understand how people have time to be polyamorous. Between work, chores, friends, family, social obligations, and time with my partner, I literally don't know where I'd fit in a whole other relationship."
10.Pro-polygamy: "I [F27] have been seeing a man [M28] for the past year. We're not dating, but have been exploring kink together since we met — a while back he asked if I'd be up for meeting with him and his primary partner [F27]. I'm usually open to new situations and said sure, but there was a part of me that worried it'd be awkward. Between all of our schedules it took a while for things to happen, but we all met up for drinks and dinner, and I had a great time. Things were super relaxed, and there weren't any big expectations — it was just three people hanging out. He was running late, so it ended up being the two of us trying to spot each other outside the bar based off of our WhatsApp pictures — then, we ended up hanging out together for a while before he showed up. I actually think that helped make things flow better. We hung out for, like, four hours, got very tipsy, and then went our separate ways. 10/10 would recommend."
11.Pro-monogamy: "I am on board with monogamous relationships. I've been with my wife for 16 years and married for 12, and I prefer it to being single. However, I've never understood people who've stayed in unhappy marriages — if you are both unhappy (unless there is some massive hidden benefit), you should leave and try to find happiness for yourselves!"
"Finances, intertwined friend groups, explanations to family, needing new leases, property split-up, comfort, or kids — these could all be big reasons. I'm not saying people should stay in unhappy relationships just to simplify their lives, but it's also not easy for many people to dramatically uproot their lives and start a whole new chapter."
12.Pro-polygamy: "I can't get over how in love I (22M) am with my poly partner (20F). I'm monogamous and she's poly, but I can't say enough how happy I am with her. I don't fall in love easily, but I'm completely head-over-heels in love. She's so accepting of me and actually takes interest in my life. She's incredibly open with communication and does her best to answer any questions I have about polygamy, despite how new she is to it herself. She's just an amazing person in general, and I can't help but want to scream it from the rooftops. I've had my struggles getting used to the polygamy aspect of things, but I'm doing my best to learn, and she's been completely understanding through it all. I bought The Ethical Slut (which my poly coworker recommended), and I can't stress enough how helpful it is at answering my questions. I'm also friends with her other partner, so we all get along really well together."
13.Pro-monogamy: "I've had girlfriends ask if I'm cheating before, and my response is always that I hardly even have enough time to sleep or the energy for my day-to-day stuff. Why in the hell would I want to add an entire extra level of drama and stress to my life just for sex?"
14.Pro-polygamy: "I just realized that it's been over three years since I decided to be polygamous, and I would not change a thing about how I got to this point. Even in the beginning when a lot of relationships fizzled out and I got my heart broken a lot, I wouldn't change it for the world. I am happy to be at the point I am at and with the lovely people I am with. This has been a long ride, but all in all I have enjoyed every moment of it."
15.Pro-monogamy: "I think it's boring in the best way possible. I think it's safe with the right person. And honestly, I think it's ideal for me. No shame if it's not for you, but personally, I feel that presently it's what make me happiest in a relationship :)."
16.Pro-polygamy: "My girlfriend is married, and we've been together for almost one year now. Including me and her husband she has one other partner, but her main partners are her husband and myself. It's been bumpy and it's had its ups and downs, but we are really feeling solid now. I often spend multiple days in a row with them while I have days off from work, and it's been so refreshing. Communication has been the biggest key to all of our hurdles, and now we all even sleep in the same bed together at night 🥰."
17.Pro-monogamy: "I've tried long-term poly relationships, serial monogamy, and a few casual fuck buddies here and there. Poly was fine, but it took work, and I realized it was really for those with a 'scheduling kink.' Serial monogamy has enabled me to have deeper connections and communication with my partners, which has led to better sex. My fuck buddies were fun friends to have, but nothing too deep or profound came of it. My wife has the freedom to date others if she chooses (she has chosen not to), and I know monogamy works best for me, so I'm not missing out on anything."
18.Pro-polygamy: "I never really got polygamy — I respected people's choices of it, but it was just 'not something for me.' That was the assumption I made, because I couldn't imagine a polyamorous relationship — but do you know what changed my mind? Representation. Actually seeing fictional polyamorous characters, and seeing how they were just regular people in regular relationships without any stupid, overblown drama. It was cute and fluffy romance, and that made a huge difference in my mind. Because it became normalized, I could imagine this type of relationship for myself — I finally had some kind of reference point. Because I saw it in a healthy way, now I'm open to it — now I feel like this is something that's normal and fun and good and wonderful, and I'm so happy."
19.Pro-monogamy: "I'm someone who is entirely monogamous — it works for my husband and me. But I am fully supportive of any consensual adult relationship. I've explained polygamy to my daughter in reference to different types of families, specifically because I want her to know that she'll have my full support in whatever type of relationship she's in as an adult. But also, equally important, so that she will know to treat others with kindness and respect even when their choices for relationships don't align with her own."
20.Pro-polygamy: "I won't go into the nitty-gritty details of how we got here (or how long it took for us to get here). But, tonight, my girlfriend and my husband are on a date, and I can't explain just how excited and happy I am for the two of them!!! I can't wait for them to come home so I can hear about how their evening went."
21.Pro-monogamy: "I seriously love my significant other, but I deeply cherish those few moments I get where I'm truly by myself. Adding a whole other person with needs and wants to that mix? Jesus."
22.Pro-polygamy: "I'm in a healthy, committed, and polyamorous relationship. The dynamics that we all share work really well for us, and honestly I've never felt more secure. As with most relationships, once they're serious enough, many people like to share these things with their families. I hadn't put much thought into that at first, seeing as how our relationships all feel so natural. I've clarified to my close family what my relationships are with my partners, and I've had to deal with the fallout of doing so. It makes me wonder what it is about a serious relationship between more than two people at once that makes people so uncomfortable and disapproving? I honestly didn't think much of it being that 'weird' until I was met with so much opposition. From my perspective, everything is great over here — I just wish everyone could get on board with everyone else's happiness."
23.Pro-monogamy: "As humans, we don't participate in monogamy most of the time — we are serial monogamists. That being said, I think monogamy doesn't work for a lot of people because they try and force themselves into a monogamous relationship due to societal pressure and the fear of being alone. I think a lot more people are polyamorous, but don't want to break the social norm. All that being said, I'm a serial monogamist, and I hope to find someone I can spend a long-term life with — but if not, serial monogamy is okay with me too. You should just enjoy the person you're connecting with at the moment, and when it dies out, let it go (unless you're both willing to fight for it, which I hope I can find in someone)."
24.Pro-polygamy: "I want to share a funny poly-related incident at work. So, I work at Renaissance fairs as a professional complimenter — people pay me to say nice things about other people. A gentleman paid me to do my best bit with his lady who was wearing an infinity heart pin. I commented on it, and let her know I was as well, and gave her my best flirty compliments. The next day, she sent her boyfriend back to the fair to give me her contact information — it was definitely a high point in my day."
25.Pro-monogamy: "Being monogamous is important to me. I can't imagine myself or my partner being with more than one person. The intimacy between two people is something I feel you just cannot have if other people start coming into the relationship. My love would only be for the one person I'm dating, and I wouldn't be willing to share it with somebody else (and I'd hope my partner would feel the same). It's definitely something I'd discuss with somebody before dating them because if there's even a slight chance they wanted to be open or poly, it wouldn't work for me."
26.Pro-polygamy: "I recently had a happy experience! Me and my two partners went on a thrifting date that was super fun. We got back late at night and were in bed, and they both wanted to have sex — but I wasn't really in the mood. So, they had sex together next to me while one of them held my hand. After they were done, both of them cuddled me and I got to be in the middle, and we fell asleep together :)."
27.Pro-monogamy: "Monogamous relationships are the best kind for me. I have a hard time in friend groups with multiple friends, let alone multiple girlfriends. I once had a girlfriend and we started off monogamous; then, she came out as poly and wanted to date another girl. I wasn't fond of the idea, but I also didn't want to lose her, so I agreed. I came to like the girl, but one time I referred to her as 'our girlfriend,' and my original girlfriend got uncomfortable. She said she only wanted her to be her girlfriend. We got into an argument, and the other girl broke up with us. Later she started dating a guy without telling me, and I was furious, but she used ignorance as an excuse and later broke up with him. Then there was another girl we both liked, and I was finally happy to be in a poly relationship! We never left anyone out and we had good communication, but when I told my original girlfriend I loved them both, she broke up with us."
"I know most polyamorous relationships are probably nothing like that, but that experience was enough for me to make me never want to go poly again."
28.And pro-polygamy: "A close friend of mine had a last-minute guest cancellation for her wedding, but the venue was already confirmed with the number of guests. She then had an extra seat that was already paid for. I developed a new and serious partner over the past year since my friend had sent the invitations, so she extended the extra invite and allowed me to bring both of my partners instead of just my NP (as we'd originally planned). I asked her about 'rules' for PDA or if we needed a cover story, and she was very emphatic that everyone would be totally fine with us just existing however we felt comfortable. It was so lovely — it was wonderful to be in a space where the whole evening was celebrating my friends' love for each other, and being there with the people I love. We held hands, gave little kisses, used terms of endearment, and just got to be ourselves."
Note: Some posts have been edited for length and/or clarity.
It's time to ask you, dear reader: What was the exact moment that made you realize polygamy was 100% not for you, or the moment that made you realize it 100% was for you? Share with us in the comments below!
