28 Hysterical Tweets By Parents That Sent Me To An Early Grave

Be kind, you never know who’s already been humbled by their own child today

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) October 6, 2023

Child: I can't wait to be an adult. Me [shaving my ears]: Yeah it's great.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 6, 2023

I told my 3yo Elliot I saw a deer in our yard & he goes “I’ll tell the other Elliots” and I laughed, then later he explained he said that bc in an ep of Thomas a diesel train named Diesel said “ill tell the other diesels” which is smart but also how confusing must it be to be 3

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) October 3, 2023

Today, one of my kids showed me her to do list organized by subject and urgency, and my other kid walked into the wall while trying to read a book.

— Lyz Lenz (@lyzl) October 3, 2023

In case you are under the mistaken impression that I am a good conversationalist, I want you to know that I just held up my very chubby 4-month-old at arms' length and asked him, "do you enjoy being a child?" and he spat up on me

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) September 30, 2023

8 y/o me at 9:00 pm preparing to tell my mom I need 24 cupcakes for tomorrow pic.twitter.com/XLE1TrAQ2A

— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) October 4, 2023

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

— Chele, please! (@_YamSmalls_) September 30, 2023

Can’t wait to tell my grandkids how we survived the switch from double spaces to single spaces after a period.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) October 5, 2023

Normal people: hey I just ran out of shampoo. I need some moreTeenagers: hey I ran out of shampoo like 5 months ago why haven't you gotten me more yet?

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 2, 2023

My daughter wrote a story titled “my mom loves coke” but didn’t clarify it was the soda and now I’m nervous for parent-teacher conferences

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) October 1, 2023

Me: thinking I’m doing a good job educating my children My 7yo: All meat is just different chickens

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) October 3, 2023

I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.

— Marissa 💚🍁💛🎃 (@michimama75) October 4, 2023

my daughter was 4 when her brother was born and she told me “you really hurt my feelings when you had that baby!”

— L Mcc (@lmcc149) October 5, 2023

the “meet me in the restroom” was very forward for a 5th grader but then it makes sense when you find out she’s trying to throw hands

— ashley ray (@theashleyray) October 4, 2023

My oldest legit just said: it’s pretty rare that the prototype is the best version but here I am

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) October 5, 2023

I’m so proud of my daughter for making this fox all by herself and also I’m never fucking sleeping again. pic.twitter.com/2HdoXhhpOF

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) October 2, 2023

What's this? You made me a snow globe out of a baby food jar and glitter? Sweetheart, we've been over this. Daddy only wants presents you buy with money from a store.

— Jack Boot (@IamJackBoot) October 5, 2023

My 5yo saw a sign while we drove to school & said it meant no crashing into the floor. It was a no U-turn sign.

— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) October 1, 2023

My kid is asking me questions like “what is ethics,” and I just want to rewind to the “do mermaids know what pants are” stage because it was easier.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) October 6, 2023

Am I free to make plans? Yes. Will one of my family be ill on that day? Also yes.

— Laura prefers the bird (@ericamorecambe) October 6, 2023

My daughter calls out my husband’s first name and tells him to do things and I just wonder where she learned to speak to her father that way

— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) October 4, 2023

10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minuteme: *laughs in dial-up*

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 3, 2023

I will always and forever be staunchly PRO-BREASTFEEDING.Not because formula is inferior or cannot nourish a baby as well (I do not think this)but for the sake of the MOTHERbecause I believe in the SANCTITY of an AIRTIGHT EXCUSE to duck out of ANY GIVEN SOCIAL SITUATION.

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) October 3, 2023

My kid: can I have more applesMe: Did you finish the apples I already gave you?My kid: yesMy kid’s plate: pic.twitter.com/IhSDOiCQXs

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) October 4, 2023

Podcasters be like “Hello Fresh is family friendly. Even my pickiest eater loves their spinach salmon truffle mac and cheese” like bitch why you lying.

— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) October 2, 2023

14 (on some shirts bought her): "I love them! These will be PERFECT for when I wanna dress like a nerd!"

— nika (@nikalamity) October 5, 2023

My 3yo came home from school mad that one of the boys poked her in the eye. I asked if she talked to her teacher about it and she said yes, but the teacher didn’t have a chance to address it because then the boy fell out of his chair and broke both his arms. Unsure if lies.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 5, 2023

Tonight I made my kids angry at me and I had to apologize. I’m going to tell you what I did so you can learn from my mistakes…..please understand, I’m just a human. I fail.Okay.I made them a plum torte and served it with vanilla ice cream.

— Lyz Lenz (@lyzl) October 3, 2023

My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn't want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she's not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 5, 2023