27 Hilarious Parents Who Pulled Absolutely No Punches On Twitter Last Week

Getting ahead of the rumours, smart https://t.co/Yh1AkIinyp

— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) September 26, 2023

My son just informed me it’s illegal for 9 year olds to eat broccoli.

— Kelly (@kelly__le) September 27, 2023

None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 27, 2023

Preschool wants us to print out photos a make a collage of all our family members, which is actually an impossible task bc printing out photos is impossible but I went to CVS, fought with the photo machine and DID IT. Got home, the 3yo was like "you forgot a photo of the snail"

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) September 27, 2023

I highly recommend my 5YO if anyone is looking to hire a rock smuggler

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 28, 2023

At any given moment in time there is a 4 year-old child named Jaxxon absolutely losing his shit at a Chuck E Cheese

— 🍁Graham Kritzer (@GrahamKritzer) September 26, 2023

I volunteered in my daughter’s art class today. The teacher demonstrated how to draw a mouse on the whiteboard & the kids drew at their desks. She said to add eyelashes. A little boy shouts out “No eyelashes! Mine is BOY.”To which I replied “Don’t you have eyelashes?”

— NurseKelsey (she/her) 🌈✨🎉❤️🏳️‍🌈 (@nursekelsey) September 25, 2023

My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) September 27, 2023

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving! -my kid not realizing what moms do

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) September 29, 2023

Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) September 27, 2023

me using the words sus, drip and bussin' properly while talking to my teen kids pic.twitter.com/1yNN8sRIbj

— 🌜🤷‍♂️Dad Moon Rising 🤷‍♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) September 26, 2023

Giving my classroom gluesticks human names has been revolutionary. Does a student care if a glue stick goes missing? No! Do they care if DEREK the glue stick has not been returned? ABSOLUTELY. It’s like a manhunt until Derek has been returned to his rightful spot.

— Miss B (@MissBThe3rd) September 27, 2023

Passed a hospital and my 4 y/o noted, “That’s a good hospital. They don’t die you there,” offering a glimpse into her future career in marketing.

— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) September 28, 2023

Now that my kid is in high school, I’m trying to be his silent sideline support system, but last night he told me his English teacher is making him put 2 spaces after a period, and HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO NOT INTERVENE?!?

— Sara Moore Wagner (@SaraMooreWagne1) September 27, 2023

Having kids seems like a great idea until they start telling you a story.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) September 27, 2023

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) September 27, 2023

Me: Mornings are so chaotic. Every day it’s like a mad dash to pack lunches, make breakfast, and get everyone dressed for school on time.Co-worker: Why don’t you just meal prep over the weekend?Me: My kids are actually here during the weekend too, sorry for the confusion.

— The Dad (@thedad) September 22, 2023

Still waiting for my kid to get out of the car. pic.twitter.com/Lq79QSlJdK

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) September 26, 2023

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 27, 2023

When I hear a baby crying I want to tell them it's only going to get worse.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) September 28, 2023

[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]Daddy, don't worry, you can sleep. I'm making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?Me: I'm up.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 24, 2023

We listen to the Thomas podcast w my 3yo & every time an engine has an American accent its ALWAYS a surfer dude accent. I was like “it’s an interesting choice to have them all be bros”, then I realized that’s it’s just British actors doing what they think is a normal US accent.

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) September 27, 2023

Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant

— meghan (@deloisivete) September 29, 2023

My teen said I’m annoying but not the most annoying person she’s ever met and that sounds like a challenge to me.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) September 26, 2023

My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) September 26, 2023

8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) September 27, 2023

When I was a kid I passed a police officer who said “Hi [my name]”. I couldn’t believe police just knew everyone’s names. My mom goes “oh ya, they know everything”.I was wearing a hat, with my name on it.

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) September 28, 2023

My kids have no idea how much my heart is full when they say those three magic words, “You’re embarrassing me.”

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) September 28, 2023