26 Funny Tweets By Women That Made Me Positively Quake With Laughter
Before we get into this week's tweets, I want to gently remind every member of Gen Z that you too will one day reach the old, old age of 30. (This cautionary tale is brought to you by TikTok, which is just a never-ending scroll of young people acting like they invented dark humor and low-rise jeans.)
That's not a critique, btw — it's just a fact. Here's another fact: Your timeline will be 1,000x better if you follow these funny ladies on Twitter!
1.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
2.
After watching my toddler like a hawk nonstop I glance at my phone for 0.00012 seconds, and when I look up she is somehow smoking a cigarette and wielding a crossbow
3.
had a dream where this was the cover to The Great Gatsby and now I can’t get it out of my head
4.
Not to victim blame but why did you bring a needle into a haystack in the first place
5.
I haven’t licked an envelope in over two decades without thinking of George Costanza.
6.
Accidentally told Amelia Bedelia to slay. Everyone stay inside
7.
cardi and nicki are really fighting a proxy war through other female rappers like america and the soviet union in the mid-20th century
8.
I like Avril’s version better
9.
we’re all god’s neopets and he forgot the password
10.
i’m not a “boy who became a girl.” i’m a girl who had a botched release and is regularly pushing performance improvements/bug fixes
11.
$75 for a damn haunted house 😑 a skeleton better pop out and eat mypussy
12.
Plagiarism??? girl i found your whole lesson plan on quizlet
13.
Got everybody at this party to agree with me that Ed Sheeran looks like the Stinky Cheese Man
14.
therapist: why did you do that me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
15.
all i want for christmas is just for my stomach to not feel weird for a single fucking moment of my life
16.
Babe, are you ok? You’ve barely cracked your $250 mail-order stuffed candy turkey
17.
God is real because i know for a fact that I’m not operating off of my own strength.
18.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
19.
a lot of what's wrong with the mouse is the tail being naked and wiry. If you're a mouse hmu i'll put fur on that thing and boom - no one's screaming when they see you. they're clapping
20.
thinking about how many times i’ve probably been killed in fuck marry kill
21.
"i'm a creep" "i'm a weirdo" ok??? i was working in the lab late one night when my eyes beheld an eerie slight for my monster from his slab began to rise and suddenly to my surprise (he did the mash) he did the monster mash (the monster mash) it was a graveyard smash
22.
On the way to Yom Kippur services, my 3 year old asked why there are always grown up rabbis instead of baby rabbis. There is a box office hit somewhere in this concept.
23.
It is okay to admit when you make a mistake and it's time for us all to acknowledge that we took eyelashes too far
24.
I'm sorry but "non-fungible" will always mean "impossible to turn into a mushroom" to me
25.
Parenting little kids is mostly screaming "What the fuck!" in your head, but really saying things like "No thank you, I do not want to hold your booger."
26.
“WhEn CaN I SeE YoU” in your dreams goodnight
