Just got in trouble for using one of the pillows on the couch as a pillow.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 8, 2018

I wish my wife would stop asking me embarrassing questions like “What are you looking for?”

— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) September 9, 2018

Establish dominance by vacuuming in front of the TV where your husband is watching football with all of his friends.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 15, 2018

Made it to that level of marriage where you get in trouble for being able to fall asleep so fast.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 23, 2018

If your husband unloads the dishwasher and you don’t notice right away, don’t worry, he’ll remind you.

— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) September 23, 2018

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

— M@thew (@TweetPotato314) September 9, 2018

Me: Want to split the last cookie?

Wife: No. *eats it in one bite*

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 31, 2018

It’s fall. Let the thermostat games begin.

— Housewife Plus (@housewife_plus) September 22, 2018

Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: that’s fair.

— Oops!...I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) September 25, 2018

Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*

— Jesspacito (@mommajessiec) October 1, 2018

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

— rice krispies (@MommaUnfiltered) September 1, 2018

Husband: Can you be serious for one second?

Me, from blanket fort: This is just who I am.

— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) June 3, 2018

It’s important not to keep score in a marriage. It isn’t healthy and also I would be CRUSHING it.

— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) September 15, 2018

[searching for keys]

*checks purse
*digs through purse
*dumps purse
*violently shakes purse
*retraces steps since birth
*accuses husband of taking them
*accuses dogs of eating them
*accuses toddler of eating them
*cries softly into pocket of old coat

They were in my purse btw

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) September 25, 2018

Being married is fun because my husband won't let me hire a handyman because he's going to fix things himself that broke 3 years ago and are still broken

— Elisabeth. (@YourMomsucksTho) September 14, 2018

Me: I'm starting my diet today
Husband: I'm picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan--
Me: I'll take a hundred

— Tracie Tom (@tracietom) September 26, 2018

My husband is in the kitchen making dinner, using every pot & pan known to man, & I think I’d rather the house burn down than clean up this mess.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 10, 2018

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I'm on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.

— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) September 13, 2018

Waiter - I'm Matt & I'll be taking care of you
Me - You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife - Give us a few minutes

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) June 2, 2017

Sometimes I love my husband, and sometimes he leaves wet towels on our bed.

— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) September 26, 2018

My wife doesn't think I can fix the door hinge, but I've got some Old Navy carpenter jeans from 2003 that I'm wearing that says otherwise.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) September 11, 2018

My favorite thing about marriage is having one less drink than my husband and looking down on him the rest of the night.

— not the WORST mom 🤷🏽‍♀️ (@nottheworstmom) September 13, 2018

Being seductive is unhooking my wife's bra on the first attempt without wearing my readers.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) September 28, 2018

My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I'm averaging 25,438 steps a day.

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) September 27, 2018

Peak marriage is spending all afternoon doing something you hate just to make your partner happy then learning that they hated doing it too.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) September 10, 2018

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) September 24, 2018

The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) March 23, 2018

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

— Maybe She... (@CantWaitToNap) March 26, 2018

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 30, 2018

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) March 29, 2018

“Where does this go?”

- my husband cleaning

— StaceyLynne (@StaceyLynne_44) March 4, 2018

Started a movie 45 mins ago with my wife.

We’re 7 mins in.

— Salamingia (@salamingia) January 27, 2018

90% of my text messages are my wife checking to see if I’ve done something yet.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 25, 2018

If your wife birthed your big-headed baby, then you clean the hair out of the shower drain. Those are the rules.

— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) March 27, 2018

Just once I wish when my wife says “we need to talk” she surprises me and starts up a conversation about Mexican food.

— AmericanⒼⓔⓝⓣ (@AmericanGent69) February 24, 2018

*Looking for something around the house.

Me: Have you seen it?

Wife: Yes, I put it back where it belongs.

Me: Ah, thank you.

*Still has no idea where it is.

— Slade’s Situation™ (@Dad_in_Brief) March 9, 2018

If you like getting angry at the way someone turns a doorknob, marriage may be right for you.

— Betty (@BoomBoomBetty) March 25, 2018

I hadn’t realised that marriage would make having a spare room quite such a necessity.

— Lord Baconbutt (@Gupton68) April 3, 2018

Love is letting her charge her phone first.

Marriage is buying a second charger.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 16, 2018

My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I'm driving and then she controls the radio.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) March 28, 2018

What part of if I'm on a diet he's on a diet does my husband not understand?

— Denise (@food_shoes_life) March 24, 2018

Oh your husband bought you a designer handbag? Mine ordered me my very own large pizza

— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) March 23, 2018

Marriage is just smiling and nodding after you've read the same sentence 12 times because they keep talking in 20 second intervals and OH MY GOD JUST SAY WHAT YOU WANT AND BE QUIET SO I CAN FINISH THIS 3 PARAGRAPH ARTICLE.

— Trace of Bass (@the_migglest) March 31, 2018

The wife always knows when I've emptied the dishwasher because I leave the cabinet doors flung open like I just got a warrant to toss the house.

— ☠ How YOU Doin ☠ (@jollyrobber) March 2, 2018

My wife just replied to my email with “Unsubscribe.”

— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) March 27, 2018

My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He's only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ(s)🎭 (@3sunzzz) April 4, 2018

I know my wife is mad at me when the kids ask something and instead of "Ask your dad." she says "Go see what ROBERT thinks."

— Sir Rüb 🐐🐚 (@chocmoney1974) April 4, 2018

I describe my husband’s style as “OMG! Are you going to wear that in public?”

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) December 1, 2017

90% of marriage is just loud cleaning.

— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) March 26, 2018

“Does this smell ok?” and “Guess when I last washed my hair?” are just two examples of fun games you can play to spice up your marriage.

— Brooke Siegel (@brookejena) March 23, 2018

Me after date night with Hubs: Ugh, I’m going to change into something more comfortable

*takes off going-out yoga pants, puts on staying-in yoga pants

— Housy Wife (@wife_housy) March 25, 2018

Husband: I emptied the toaster crumbs & cleaned the toaster.

Me: Aw!!! I was going to do that today!

— Lorie (@LorieGZ) March 24, 2018

WIFE: oh yeah baby, keep doing it just like that

ME: *picking kids’ coats up off the floor and hanging them in the closet*

— eric (@ericsshadow) March 23, 2018

My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn't make the cut this year.

— α geek (@alfageeek) March 17, 2013

(100 miles from exit)

Wife: You need to get in the right lane.

— DPW (@pondermymaker) March 1, 2018

There isn’t a self help book in the world that can prepare you for the disappointment you feel when a random package arrives from Amazon and you find out it’s just the golf balls your husband ordered.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 30, 2018

Being married is just wiping someone else's toothpaste spittle off the vanity mirror EVERYDAY.

— C~ (@aGreeneyedChic) March 25, 2018

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See - Dieting”

— Cydni Beer (@themessednest) March 16, 2018

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 10, 2018

My husband has 2 pairs of crocs so all I’m saying is don’t rush into marriage

— JPo (@Peauxtassium) April 16, 2018