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Most of the time, when I take it upon myself to recap a movie, it’s a romantic comedy. The reason for this is simple; I’ve seen pretty much every rom-com known to man, and I enjoy filtering the meet-cutes and romantic deceptions of the aughts through a 2021-era gaze. Sometimes, though, it becomes necessary to broaden your horizons. That’s exactly what I’m doing today as I watch the brand-new Angelina Jolie film Those Who Wish Me Dead, which centers around a survival expert trying to safely shepherd a teenage murder witness out of the wilderness; join me, won’t you?
God, I hate suspenseful movies. Sorry! I like a film that starts off with singing in traffic, à la La La Land, or a beautiful woman bicycling around a college campus, per Legally Blonde.
Wow, somebody’s parachuting!
God, if I ever parachuted, I would absolutely throw up. I wonder if that’s common.
Well, there goeth Angelina Jolie, looking as ridiculously beautiful and celestially sculpted as ever. I guess I sort of forgot she looks like that.
Damn, a house just blew up. That rarely happens in Julia Roberts movies.
A sweet father and son are exchanging dating advice when the father learns that the house that blew up actually belonged to his boss. It’s termed a “gas explosion,” but...the dad looks scared. Ruh-roh!
A group of smokejumpers—specially trained wildland firefighters—are being inducted as older smokejumpers drink and party outside, and Angelina Jolie (who’s one of the older smokejumpers) is wearing aviator sunglasses. We learn she’s posted in a fire lookout tower in Montana, but I’m mostly focused on the aviators.
Should I move to Montana and become a smokejumper? This looks fun.
Angelina Jolie does some parachute-related crime and gets arrested by a cop who looks kind of familiar, but I can’t place him and I refuse to IMDb him.
The father and son are on the run from the assassins who blew up the house, and we learn they’re alums of a “survival school” in Montana.
The kid thinks his dad is an accountant, but he’s actually a “forensic accountant” who has come across some incriminating evidence. They’re off to stay with the dad’s brother-in-law, who just so happens to be the cop I kind of recognized from before (who, in the film, is also Angelina Jolie’s ex.)
We learn the cop has a pregnant wife, which (if I remember my action-movie tropes correctly) is sure to end badly.
Man, Angelina Jolie was really made to stare mysteriously out into the distance through a pair of binoculars.
Oh, no: The assassins catch up with the dad and son, and the son ends up being a witness to his father’s murder.
Luckily, Angelina Jolie comes across the (very traumatized) son while on patrol, and he dazedly tells her to fuck off, which...respect. Still, she manages to get him back to her tower to try to call for help. God, I want a tower.
Hey, it’s Tyler Perry!
Oh no, again: The cop’s pregnant wife is interrogated by the assassins, but she somehow manages to fight them off.
In one of the most stressful scenes I can remember seeing in a movie lately, Angelina Jolie is struck by lightning in an open field while trying to get the kid safely into town. Fun fact: Did you know your chances of being struck by lightning are about 1 in 500,000? Angelina and the kid turn around, which make sense.
The assassins make the cop take them to Angelina Jolie’s tower, where she and the kid are hiding. The cop gets shot, but Angelina Jolie and the kid escape; then it’s pregnant wife to the rescue! She totally takes out one of the assassins, and it’s awesome.
Angelina Jolie manages to take the other assassin out, leaving him to succumb to the wildfire.
The cop and his pregnant wife have an extremely romantic scene in which they embrace each other through oxygen masks while the fire burns around them.
Well, the cop doesn’t make it, but pregnant wife does!
Sorry to keep harping on this, but how does Angelina Jolie look so good with a face full of open wounds?
The kid asks Angelina Jolie what’s going to happen to him now that his dad is dead, and honestly, it’s very sad. Raise him in your forest tower, Angelina Jolie!
Well, that was okay, but all in all, I’d rather be watching Failure to Launch for the dozenth time.
Originally Appeared on Vogue