45 'Christmas Vacation' Quotes That Will Always Make You Laugh

Best Christmas Vacation Quotes
The Funniest Christmas Vacation QuotesWarner Brothers - Getty Images

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While the Christmas holidays are often seen as the time to reconnect with loved ones, perfect your cookie recipes, and shop for the best gifts, it's also the time to curl up nightly with an on-theme holiday movie. One of the most popular Christmas movies is National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. Doting father Clark Griswold (played by comedy legend Chevy Chase) just wants to give his family a Christmas to remember, but he can't seem to get his vision off the ground without a few roadblocks. Whether it's wonky exterior string lights, an ultra-dry turkey dinner, or a few too many glasses of eggnog, Mr. Griswold is proof that it really is the thought that counts. All in all, the movie is a lesson in Murphy's Law—whatever can happen, will happen. The movie's cozy setting and winter scenery is part of the reason it's so popular, but the writing is also laugh-out-loud funny.

There's no shortage of quotable moments in the film, and ahead we've rounded up 45 of the most memorable moments. Quote them at your next holiday party, needlepoint them on a pillow, and make them your new get-through-the-season mantras. Also, obviously, they're the best Christmas Vacation quotes for Instagram captions. Behold what are, without a doubt, the most iconic one-liners—and okay, two- to three-liners—from the movie.

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National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation


45. "Clark, stop it. I don't want to spend the holidays dead." —Ellen Griswold

44. Audrey Griswold: "He worked really hard, Grandpa." Grandpa Art: "So do washing machines."

43. "She'll see it later honey, her eyes are frozen shut." —Ellen Griswold

42. "It's a one-year membership to the Jelly of the Month Club." —Clark Griswold

41. "Take a look around you, Ellen! We're at the threshold of hell!" —Clark Griswold

40. "Your grandma's got a real painful bur on her heel. If you rub it for me, I'll give you a whole quarter." —Grandma Nora

39. "Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?" —Audrey Griswold

38. "It's not going in our yard, Russ. It's going in our living room." —Clark Griswold

37. "You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant." —Uncle Lewis

36. "Dad, you taught me everything I know about exterior illumination." —Clark Griswold

35. "I'm sorry, this is our family's first kidnapping." —Ellen Griswold

34. "Is it plugged in?" —Ellen Griswold

33. "Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where's the Tylenol?" —Clark Griswold

32. "If that thing had nine lives, she just spent 'em all." —Cousin Eddie

31. "What is it? A letter confirming your reservation at the nuthouse?" —Grandpa Art

30. "I was just looking at something for my wife, God rest her soul." —Clark Griswold

29. "Wouldn't be the holiday shopping season if the stores weren't hooter than they—hotter than they are." —Clark Griswold

28. "Yes, it's a bit nipply out—I mean nippy out." —Clark Griswold

27. "Eat my road grit, Liver Lips!" —Clark Griswold

26. *sips eggnog* "It's good. It's good." —Clark Griswold

25. "Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down." —Ellen Griswold

24. "And why is the carpet all wet, Todddddd?" —Margo Chester (aka Elaine Julia Louis-Dreyfus as the Griswolds' very annoyed and distraught neighbor—and can you blame her?)

23. Todd Chester: "Hey Griswold, where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?" Clark Griswold: "Bend over and I'll show you."

22. "If you want to come in you'll have to break down the goddamn door!" —Margo Chester

21. "I don't know what to say, but it's Christmas and we're all in misery." —Ellen Griswold

20. "I hope nobody I know drives by and sees me standing in the yard staring at the house in my pajamas." —Audrey Griswold

19. "You better take a rain check on that, Art—he’s got a lip fungus they ain’t identified yet." —Cousin Eddie

18. "When Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse!" —Clark Griswold

17. "Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn, the clean, cool chill of the holiday air, and an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer." —Clark Griswold

16. Clark Griswold: "Where's Eddie? He usually eats these things." Catherine, Eddie's wife: "Oh, not recently. He read that squirrels are high in cholesterol."

15. "I'm gonna catch it in a coat, and smack it with a hammer!" —Clark Griswold

14. "Welcome to our home—what's left of it." —Ellen Griswold

13. "Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?" —Clark Griswold

12. "You just march over there and slug that creep in the face." — Margo Chester

11. "Oh, he's just yakkin' on a bone." —Cousin Eddie

10. "I love it here. You don't gotta put on your coat to go to the bathroom, and your house is always parked in the same place!" —Ruby Sue

9. "Whoa, geez! Look at the time. I gotta get to bed—and brush my teeth, feed the hog, do the laundry, wash the car, still got some homework to do." —Rusty Griswold

8. "Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here." —Clark Griswold

7. "We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tapdanced with Danny-f*cking-Kaye." —Clark Griswold (Yes, we broke Clark's wild-eyed rant into multiple quotes on this list, since everyone has their own favorite part. If you prefer to quote the entire monologue at once, kudos!)

6. "Mom? This box is meowing." —Rusty Griswold

5. "Grace? She died 30 years ago!" —Aunt Bethany

4. "The BLESSSSSING." —Uncle Lewis

3. "If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised." —Clark Griswold

2. "Save the neck for me, Clark!" —Cousin Eddie

1. "Merry Christmas! Shitter was full!" —Cousin Eddie

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