I Cannot Overstate How Completely, Totally, Wildly Hilarious These 23 Tweets By Women Are

yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing

— Beth McColl (@imbethmccoll) September 13, 2023

i think if u have a really fucked up dream you should be allowed to call off work. i just watched my mother get attacked by a tiger and you expect me to hop on a zoom meeting rn

— Cait🧃 (@CaitCamelia) September 14, 2023

if a woman tells you you have “nice hands” she is doing everything in her power not to fuck you senseless please release her from her torment her friends are receiving the kinds of messages someone in prison would send

— Grace Jarvis (@gracejarvisohno) September 12, 2023

I called my doctors office earlier today to make an appointment & when the receptionist answered the phone without thinking I went “Hi my name is Brenna Smith and I’m a reporter with The Baltimore Banner” & she just went “Ok. Good for you.” Journalism has ruined me 😂😂😂

— Brenna T. Smith (@brenna__smith) September 14, 2023

god bless america bc you know this isn’t happening on a lawn in france https://t.co/tvAlcVXE6O

— sarah rose etter (@sarahroseetter) September 14, 2023

the couch is for being so exhausted and cozy you can’t possibly keep your eyes open. the bed is for laying wide awake tossing and turning in the throes of an existential crisis until the sun comes up

— chase (@_chase_____) September 12, 2023

my job? nfl team graphic designer. my mission? to make a bird look as mean as possible

— molly mary o'brien (@missmollymary) September 14, 2023

yesterday I was trying to eat tuna out of a can and the cats VERY clearly believed it was cat food and I was so humiliated. they weren’t even begging they just watched me take this can to my bed like bitch you are lost

— worms cited (@christapeterso) September 15, 2023

Heavy sigh.I was talking to a coworker last week, and she got a phone call that transferred to her super-cool watch. She pointed to her wrist and said, "Sorry, my son is calling!"I said, "Wow! Like Dick Tracy!"Today I am explaining to my manager why I called her a "Dick".

— A Queer and Pleasant Danger 🦖🦕 (@Samwitch11) September 14, 2023

Remember when we were like “Stop killing black people” and someone was like we’ll change “master bedroom” to “primary bedroom?”

— Heben Nigatu (@hebennigatu) September 14, 2023

boys think about the Roman Empire girls think about pic.twitter.com/CVcqeTyC2q

— Abby Barr (@1AbbyRoad) September 14, 2023

Damn, this keeps happening https://t.co/7i3aDOibjF

— Parker Molloy (@ParkerMolloy) September 11, 2023

let me get this straight depression/anxiety/adhd/chronic illness will make me not have the energy to take care of myself, but the only way for me to feel better is to take care of myself? what a scam

— Lane Moore📚 (@hellolanemoore) September 14, 2023

A high-value man has 5,000 a year and a house in town. A man of consequence has 10,000 a year, beautiful grounds at Pemberley, and a flawless appreciation for ready wit and fine eyes. https://t.co/2erzEqON1X

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) September 14, 2023

We shoulda rioted when Dollar Tree added that quarter. That was the beginning of the end.

— Mik (@OkSoMik) September 14, 2023

My favorite Halloween merch is skeletons of things that have no bones. pic.twitter.com/woehfvggPe

— Allison Carter (@AllisonLCarter) September 13, 2023

The plumber just whispered “sonofabitch” so I’m thinking he might be here awhile.

— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) September 13, 2023

what is going on when you get a marketing email from a place you haven't been to in years but also has not emailed you since. did they find your email down the back of the couch cushions or something

— libby watson (@libbycwatson) September 14, 2023

I still can't get over the fact that the Vatican tried to invite Hozier to perform Take Me To Church 💀 Imagine asking your #1 hater to sing his chart-topping hate song ABOUT YOU??? 💀😭😭😭

— laying waste ✷ (@youregoodtome) September 14, 2023

i love when apple is like "we are going to install updates tonight when you are sleeping" and when you wake up they're just like "couldn't do it! you slept weird and we couldn't do it!"

— Claire Lower (@clairelizzie) September 11, 2023

“you need to sign for your ADHD medication because it’s extremely addictive,” says my pharmacist before handing over a prescription I need to set at least six phone alarms to remember to take

— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) September 12, 2023

brb off to do a ufo hearing for congress pic.twitter.com/l7OP2iXE8f

— meghan (@deloisivete) September 14, 2023

my sister had life insurance which it has absolutely never occurred to me to get so I asked my parents if I should and they were like no sweetie you’re different

— worms cited (@christapeterso) September 13, 2023

I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like "don't make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them." But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like "you bought ... so much, like a lot, of cheese."

— Kate Beaton (@beatonna) September 12, 2023