23 Couples Who Either Have No Sex Or Have Very Little Sex Are Sharing Why, And It's Super Eye-Opening
A lot of people think of sex as a given in romantic relationships.
The CW
However, for many different reasons, not all romantic relationships involve sex. Or the relationship may involve sex, but not super often.
ABC
Although these relationships are not necessarily any less healthy than any others, there's a lot of stigma and confusion around couples who don't have a lot of sex. To get to the bottom of this, Reddit user u/South-Dragon recently asked, "Couples in loving relationships who rarely have sex, how do you make it work?" And there were some great responses! Here's what people said.
WARNING: This post contains sexual content and mentions of sexual assault.
1."We both have low libidos for different reasons, but it works out to make us compatible. We find more value in the amount of time we spend together versus what we're specifically doing."
"We cuddle and watch a lot of TV together, and we have great independent lives separate from each other. I think you need enough of a life separate from your partner, as you need one with them, to still have things to talk about at the end of the day. Communication drying up is worse than the sex life being stale, in my opinion."
2."We’re both asexual, so there are really no issues. Been together for almost two years now!"
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3."He's recovering from being in a religious cult that hammered into his brain that sex was wrong/only to be used for conception."
"He was also molested by an elder in the cult. About once a month, he makes sure I get some 'fun time,' and if he's up for it, he does too. He doesn't care that I have toys. I love him too much to let that be the downfall of our relationship, as there are basically no problems outside of this area. I absolutely believe that he is my soulmate, and will wait as he works out his problems, as it has been getting better."
4."My husband has a high libido and mine is low, likely because of trauma and abuse. Luckily, that doesn't really mess with my mouth, so we get creative. He also doesn't take more than 10 minutes."
5."I had a high libido at the start of our relationship, but she didn’t. After a couple of months, we had a serious, respectful talk about it. The reason my girlfriend (now wife) almost has no sex drive is that she got abused by her uncle for three years when she was younger."
"After I learned about that fact, my sex drive changed. We have been together for eight years now and married for five, and we have two wonderful kids. When I am in the mood, I always ask her if she is in the mood. Whatever the answer is, I respect both of them. There has been a year where we only had sex four times, and another year more, etc., but it doesn’t bother me at all. I love her with or without the sex."
6."Wife and I both grew up with pretty unhealthy relationships with sex. I think rather than let our walls down to others, we built them up by focusing on the physical aspects of intimacy and ignoring the nurturing of the actual relationship."
"Ours is by far the most healthy relationship we've ever been in, and it turns out that neither of us has a particularly high sex drive, in truth. Sex was more of a tool for us, albeit a rather unhealthy one, as I mentioned before. We are expecting our first child in March, and we've never felt more connected or close to another individual. Madly in love with this woman and would do absolutely anything for her and our family."
ABC
7."We have been married for over 30 years. Health issues, for both, have dramatically changed our sex life to the point where it is almost nonexistent. And you know what? I am actually okay with that. TBH, I didn't marry him for sex. I married him because he was my best friend. We used to have a very active sex life, but now we are happy just being together."
8."The foundation of the relationship is supporting each other. We make each other’s life easier, we are best friends, and we genuinely enjoy spending time with each other. I’m not going to get this anywhere else."
"The sex is amazing when we have it every couple of weeks, and better than it’s ever been after 20 years. It’s not frequent enough for me, but my spouse knows I watch porn and take care of myself, and doesn’t care. I just do that on my own time."
9."We're best friends with low sex drives who prefer to cuddle instead of getting all sweaty."
BBC
10."We currently live 1,000 miles apart. Going on two years long distance. We call and talk often and support each other through bad days with loving texts. We make up for the lack of regular sex when we visit each other."
11."My partner and I live an hour away from each other because we both love where we live. We see each other on average about every other weekend, sometimes every weekend if it works out. During the visits, we usually have sex once, rarely twice, and sometimes not at all."
"The sex is just one bit of what we enjoy about each other, and if one or both of us aren't feeling it over the two and a half days we have together, then we don't force it. We are just as happy taking drives, seeing new places, or simply being lazy on the couch with movies or video games."
12."Super-horny individual with an ace (asexual) partner of four years here. Honestly? Lots of masturbation."
"I love him a LOT personality-wise and wouldn't trade him for the world."
Netflix
13."Been married for 35-plus years. Haven't had sex in almost a decade. The fact is, I got seriously ill, lost a ton of weight, and endure a lot of pain. I want sex very much, but my husband is afraid he's going to hurt me (which is possible; I'm pretty fragile physically)."
"The thing is, I've spent the last three decades–plus with my husband and our little family as the anchor of my life. He gives me hope, he gives me joy, he gives me strength. I have done my very best to give him the same things back threefold. Sometimes I even succeed. Just because I'm not also getting a good planking twice a week doesn't mean I still don't want to receive or give back all that joy, hope, and strength. We do what we've always done: love each other as hard as we can, try to take care of each other, support each other. We just don't get naked to do it."
14."My wife and I have been together for over 22 years. We were extremely sexually active up until about eight years ago. My wife has rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia, which definitely removes the mood. I followed that up by losing my thyroid, which completely obliterated my libido."
"On top of all that, our daughter has high-functioning autism. Obviously, we are busy taking care of ourselves. My wife and I discuss it on occasion, and we are very happy in our world. We will be there for each other for the rest of our lives, even without sex."
15."My wife has a hypoxic brain injury due to a botched surgery seven years ago. I won’t get into many more details, but she can’t really consent to a lot of things."
"We partially opened up the marriage, so on occasion I can go do the deed with friends I trust when they are between partners. Not being able to be intimate with her fucking sucks. The time we do spend together is usually a lot of cuddling and watching TV, though. Our relationship is super strong but very different than it was."
Freeform
16."My wife is asexual. I’m hypersexual. So we opened our relationship. We get all the love and companionship at home, and I go to a swingers club for the sex."
17."My partner and I have been in a long-distance relationship over the last six years. We decided to keep our relationship open so that we can satisfy our needs as we need."
"He and I recognized the level of sexual need and worked on communicating and compromising to meet the needs of both parties. Have a frank discussion with your partner and be willing to compromise for each other's benefit. If there is an incongruence in sex drives, then a licensed sex or even marriage counselor can help with discovering new ways of transitioning those much-needed bedroom feelings and expectations to nonbedroom activities."
18."We talk about our sexuality a lot without judging each other: 'What erotica you been watching?' 'Porn you watching?' 'So I was jerking it earlier and…' 'I’m thinking about getting a new toy.' It feels like we have a strong sexual connection even though we’re not always fucking."
"We just understand that life is busy and complicated; we have different sex lives and understand it’s normal to be attracted to other people (whether we act on that attraction or not is a different convo). I think couples forget that we still have our own independent sexuality and don’t owe every part of ourselves to another person."
HBO
19."Married for 11 years, together for 16. Sex maybe once a month now. Many, many reasons play into that, such as trauma, depression, anxiety, etc. But also contentedness. Our past physical passion is a monument to our love."
"You can have sex with anyone. If your relationship is all about sex, there’s nothing there. A physical trait that will fade and disappear before you’re dead. A fun thing you did when you were younger. Just one of many ways to show affection for each other. It’s like basing your relationship on playing baseball together and then worrying that an injury will ruin your relationship because you can’t play baseball anymore. How silly would that be? To have a relationship based on the act of something rather than the meaning behind it? To act as if every time before meant nothing without continued reaffirmation through continued action?"
20."Genuine love and respect. We're in it (marriage) for the long haul, so to speak. We have both had enough nookie to last a couple of lifetimes (before meeting and together) and are just 'meh' about it now, preferring to stay playful and flirt with each other daily."
"We know we can do it anytime we want, we just haven't been, and it's perfectly fine for both of us. Neither goes to sleep, wakes up, leaves the house, or ends a phone call without an 'I love you.' And he likes to pants me or flash my boobs while I'm busy washing dishes."
OWN
21."My husband just got promoted to manager, so he isn't home a lot, and when he is, he's dead tired or getting calls/texts from work. We both know that's just the roller-coaster ride of marriage. His love language is touch, though, and since we can't do that as much as we'd like, I'm trying to show love in other ways that make his life easier and show my support."
"I currently don't have a job. I'll wake up at 5:30 a.m. with him and make his lunch and prepare us coffee while he's in the shower. I also fluff his couch spot for him every morning. It's an adjustment, but when we can't show love in our preferred ways, then we have to find other ways, or else the relationship will suffer for it."
22."Found out I was ace after we got married! It’s not something we expected going into this, but we love each other and want to stay together regardless; we’re each other’s best friend! We do so much together besides getting physical."
"However, since he is not ace himself, that does mean some compromising happens. We communicate honestly and with love to keep each other fulfilled and happy. I can’t imagine being with anyone else!"
23.And finally: "The sex was never great anyway. I'd rather have no sex than bad sex."
What's been your experience in a relationship with little to no sex? Let us know in the comments below!
Note: Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
