I Can't Stop Laughing (And Sobbing) At These 20 Tweets About The State Of Humanity
As a great 20th-century philosopher once observed, "We are living in a society."
It's time we honor George Costanza's rhetorical tradition of screaming profound societal observations into the uncaring void.
In that vein, here are 21 hilarious thoughts from the 21st century's best minds, orating in the Greek agora of our time: Twitter.
1. In today's economy, honesty is the most valuable currency.
I respect the woman at the front desk of this hotel who, when I asked if I could switch rooms because mine is so loud at night, said “you will find none of them are very good”
— JP (@jpbrammer) October 12, 2023
2. This might be worse than men on dating apps who list their job as "entrepreneur."
nyc is just a playground for adults, i asked a grown ass man what his job is he said he “throws house parties” that’s not a job that’s not what that is. what is wrong with u
— first-mate prance (@bocxtop) October 1, 2023
3. Seriously, someone needs to fix the job market before it's too late!
Everyone I know who can explain what they do for a living is getting laid off and everyone whose title is "Object Permanence Consultant" has been on a trip to Italy for 22 months
— Dan Sheehan (@ItsDanSheehan) October 5, 2023
4. It's hard to resist peer pressure at any age.
the cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs
— kim (@KimmyMonte) September 30, 2023
5. Speaking of drugs, technology is the most addictive drug of the 21st century.
i'm not addicted to my phone i'm addicted to my friends. who oftentimes are inside of my phone
— rishi (@rishipuff) October 9, 2023
Really makes you think.
6. But will we change our behavior? Absolutely not.
I don’t know why I have a headache??? all I do is look at screens much of the day then go out in the sun for hours then grind my teeth all night
— danielle weisberg for hire (@danielleweisber) October 8, 2023
7. Thankfully, sometimes social media can be kind of funny.
Posting “wow super problematic” under everybody’s Halloween costume and then responding “I will not do the labor of educating you” when they ask for an explanation.
— jr (@jamesearl23) October 4, 2023
Cancel culture run amok!!!
8. In 1492, Columbus may have sailed the ocean blue — but in 2023, we don't reward mediocrity*.
"Is the library open today?""Yes.""You don't close for Columbus Day?""We do not.""I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.""You could announce that you're going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead."
— Lousy Librarian (@LousyLibrarian) October 9, 2023
*or colonialism, but that didn't fit the rhyme as well
9. Speaking of holidays we may or may not celebrate...
when is national piece of shit day i wanna post someone
— 𝓡𝓾𝓲𝔃 (@unknownxruiz_) October 3, 2023
10. In such divided times, it's always smart to consider things from another perspective.
have you ever considered that cilantro might think YOU taste like soap 😤
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) October 12, 2023
11. Politicians who play games* should be wary of the UNO reverse card**.
Gavin Newsom I will veto you , you rat bitch
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) October 10, 2023
*veto too many bills
**losing their next election
12. An educated electorate is an empowered electorate!
RIP Speaker McCarthy, you were better than the only other McCarthy i am aware of in U.S. politics
— Robert Evans (The Only Robert Evans) (@IwriteOK) October 3, 2023
13. In 2023, female politicians can be criminals, too!
Imagine being voted out of office by someone who was just kicked out of beetle juice the musical for vaping and jacking off her date
— Jules Suzdaltsev (@jules_su) October 3, 2023
14. Has feminism gone too far?
Yall love saying this generation be using men for money. I was getting ice cream with my guy friend, I go to pay, he stops me and pays. While he’s paying the old lady next to me says, “whenever you’re with a man, remember you left your wallet at home.” Like okay granny.
— niccoya is watching shameless 😞 (@niccoyat) October 12, 2023
15. Men are from Mars, and they speak an entirely different language.
u know you mentally dominated a white dude if u can get him to say “fair enough”
— lil arab (@sweatyhairy) October 12, 2023
16. Seriously, white men are not from this planet.
never sending a white boy a picture of my ass ever again pic.twitter.com/n0tpsSoRv7
— ㅤ (@illegalc1v) October 10, 2023
17. Also from another planet? Reality TV stars.
One of the driving dramatic plot points of Love Is Blind this season is that two of the people casually dated outside of the pods and every single person involved has cried about it. These people should not be let back into the real world.
— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) October 6, 2023
18. But reality TV is a great distraction from the real world, where we sometimes have to face sad truths...
i know it’s sexist but when i see a skeleton i immediately think man. I’m aware women can die, it just hurts to think that it’s true.
— john patrick: future president (@john_from_hr) September 23, 2023
19. ...and we're forced to ask the tough questions.
‘too much garlic’ what’s next? too much desire? too much love?
— ꩜ ˙𖦹 ⋆꙳ (@nauseahassan) September 27, 2023
20. But despite all its failures, modern society is a safe haven for annoying people — of which there are many.
i’m so annoying i probably would have been stoned to death in the town square
— clare (@sadderlizards) September 26, 2023
Now go forth and be annoying, as is your right!!!
And be sure to follow these hilarious philosophers on Twitter! They're the best minds society has.
