21 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life (May 9-22)

89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is "We needed to leave five minutes ago."

— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) May 18, 2023

When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) May 21, 2023

the wife said I looked really cute and I was about to thank her but then I realized she was talking to the dog, not me

— 🌜🤷♂️Dad Moon Rising 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) May 9, 2023

Marriage is between two people: One person who is trying to have a conversation and one person who is yelling “What?!” from the other room.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 22, 2023

Me: I’m so hungry.

Husband: *names twenty things he can get me on the way home*

Me: Anything else?

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) May 10, 2023

I can remember 3 phone numbers I had as a kid but still have to look up my wife's number everytime I pick up her prescription

— Nostradadmus (@bigpoppadrunk) May 18, 2023

We’ve officially spent more time finding a name for our KitchenAid mixer than our second child

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) May 16, 2023

It's my birthday and I woke up with my husband petting my head in the most bizarre way and then he said "you are the prettiest princess in the entire neighborhood" so we're off to a good start.

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) May 18, 2023

My wife’s grocery list just says “soap” and I have no idea what she wants but I’m gonna take a stab at it and buy some yummy ice cream.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) May 10, 2023

Forgot to tell my husband I was descaling the teapot with white vinegar when he came to make some tea. 😳😬

— MumOfTwo (@MumOfTw0) May 10, 2023

HUSBAND: Why did you nickname one of our cats "chicken" and the other "turkey?"

ME: One cat likes to lie on the floor like a turkey. The other one meows a lot, so I respond "what?" to him, and "what" rhymes with "chicken butt" so I call him "chicken." It makes perfect sense.

— Benjamin Siemon (@BenjaminJS) May 11, 2023

my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so "something must be wrong with her food, she's clearly hungry but only wants mine"

— madeline odent (@oldenoughtosay) May 16, 2023

My husband does this cute thing where he asks me where to find things, like he’s new here.

— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) May 13, 2023

Marriage is your spouse saying “I don’t like this show anymore” and then you just never find out how it ends

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) May 17, 2023

Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.

Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 17, 2023

When I’m mad at my husband I put the toilet seat up right before he gets home so he thinks I’m having an affair

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) May 18, 2023

90% of date night is deciding what to do while waiting for your wife to GET OUT OF THE CAR WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING IN THERE

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) May 21, 2023

Asked my husband what he was thinking about and now I know about every kind of dumbbell currently available online

— Just Bren Is Fine (@ogbrenna) May 15, 2023

My wife put parental controls on the TV, because I watched one of our shows without her.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) May 22, 2023

A strong marriage is all about communication, just not during the guitar solo of Sweet Child O' Mine.

— A Dad Influence #🟦 (@gbergan) May 9, 2023

My husband has a DVD of an old shitty comedy simply because Ryan Reynolds shows his butt in it. I'm so proud of him.

— Benjamin Siemon (@BenjaminJS) May 19, 2023