The 2023 Green Flag Awards
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Oscar Wilde famously pointed out that “Everything in the world is about sex — except sex. Sex is about power.” And he had a point. Money buys access to… reproductive opportunity. So does status. So does having, to borrow a different writer’s phrase, the right stuff.
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Increasingly, the right stuff and the wrong stuff is sorted by TikTokers and oversharing online daters declaring products as either red or green flags. Red flags (example: a mattress on the floor) render their invariably male owners unfuckable. Green flags (example: a nice bed frame) speak to the kind of character that leads to regular coitus and the eventual deletion of Raya.
For SPY’s first annual Green Flag Awards, we asked a diverse group of people — comedians, musicians, dating coaches, reality TV stars, and more — to tell us what they look for in a… man’s apartment. Why? To paraphrase Wilde, “Everything is about sex — except sex. Sex is about consumer brands.”
Blaine Anderson
About the Flagger: Blaine Anderson, a professional dating coach for men, makes a living teaching guys how to land a girlfriend. In addition to offering one-on-one services a fee, she doles out free advice on things like texting etiquette and approaching a woman IRL. SPY sought her out to see how she applies her breezy yet methodical approach to her own life — or, to the green flag products a man would need to land her.
The Green Flags: First, he needs to invest in the olfactory. “I’d like to see a nice candle,” she says. “I’m talking Le Labo, Onno, or Diptyque — something that smells good and shows they have good taste. Not a Yankee Candle. I’m going to go and give that a red flag.”
A runner-up is a seasonal throw blanket. “It shows attention to detail,” she says. “It’s also nice for snuggling, because there’s an excuse to sit closer together. It doesn’t have to be expensive. You can literally get one at Target for every season.”
Lastly, get a high-quality vacuum, like a cordless Dyson, and actually use it. The end. “There’s nothing more of a turn-off than if [a woman is] walking around barefoot in an apartment and getting crumbs on her feet.” (We at SPY co-sign that.)
Kaneez Surka
About the Flagger: For comedians like Kaneez Surka, a South African stand-up, improv artist, and actress, an eventful dating life means a treasure trove of material — red flags become do-it-for-the-plot flags. But what happens when a comedian considers what they really, sincerely want? SPY approached Surka to find out.
The Green Flag: It’s all about the skincare routine. It doesn’t need to be fancy. It just needs to exist. “If they have more than three products, I’m like, yes,” she says. “Face wash, moisturizer, and sunscreen. And oh my god — if they have serums? I don’t think they’d need to do any more. I’d be done just looking at their cabinets.”
As for a brand to start with? “Kiehl’s,” she says. “I bought it for my ex-boyfriend and he never used it. [When we broke up], I was like, damn it — now, the next girl who walks in is going to think he uses it. But he doesn’t.”
Kim Pham
About the Flagger: By day, Kim Pham is a co-founder of Asian food brand Omsom. In her spare time, she’s a lifestyle domme and educates her 100k+ followers about BDSM on TikTok. Rather than keeping those parts of her life separate, she embraces how her perspectives from each can reinforce one another. (For example, for the branding of Omsom’s latest product, Saucy Noodles, she drew inspiration from 1980s pornography.)
When Pham began mulling the concept of green flags as objects, she realized that, accordingly, hers had everything to do with understanding a person’s perspective. “I love when people’s homes feel like them,” she says. “I hate nothing more than walking into a home and being like, ‘Who are you? This is the same generic shit that anyone in Williamsburg could have.’”
The Green Flag: In particular, Pham loves a point of view when it comes to cooking. “I run a food business, [so I like] a pantry that has a perspective. You don’t need every single spice under the sun. You don’t need to have saffron stashed away. But does your cooking have a perspective? Do you choose to imbue flavor in an intentional way with what you feed yourself? I think that’s rad.”
Cody Rigsby
About the Flagger: Officially, Cody Rigsby is one of Peloton’s most popular spin instructors. Unofficially, he’s a dating guru whose humorous, lighthearted, and painfully honest mid-pedal advice whips his riders into shape, mentally and physically. After years on the bike, Cody published his first book XOXO, Cody: An Opinionated Homosexual’s Guide to Self-Love, Relationships, and Tactful Pettiness, which is filled with useful tips for navigating relationships. SPY enlisted him to find out what he looks for in a man.
The Green Flags: First, a sign that a man is engaging with his own mental health. “A really transformative book for me was The Power of Now,” he says. “If I saw someone was reading that, I’d think they were working on their mindfulness, being present, and breaking the cycle.”
A small touch Rigsby also appreciates is, fittingly, offering hydration. “I always like someone who has sparkling and still water available — preferably something out of a glass bottle. Not a can.” But does he mind a SodaStream for sparkling water on tap? “You know, if you have the willpower to upkeep that, God bless you. That’s a green flag because you’re committed. I’ve had so many SodaStreams. I give up [each time] because of the ordering of the gas tanks.”
Emma Wahl
About the Flagger: As a woman-on-the-street interviewer grilling New Yorkers about their worst-ever dates, content creator Emma Wahl is a bona-fide expert in other people’s red flags. SPY sought her out to find out which products would never, ever end up in one of her interviews if the roles were ever reversed.
The Green Flag: Wahl’s personal green flag is…a low bar to clear, honestly. “Shampoo and conditioner,” she says. “One of each. None of that two-in-one stuff. And not Head and Shoulders.”
Her answer comes from her own direct experience. “I’ve been with my boyfriend for two and a half years,” she adds. “He only started [buying shampoo and conditioner] when we started dating — the first time I went to his place, I walked in and I saw Head and Shoulders. It’s a beige flag, I guess, because I’m still with him.”
Nancy Rodriguez
About the Flagger: When real estate investor and entrepreneur Nancy Rodriguez went on the third season of the Netflix reality show Love Is Blind, in 2022, she dated a bunch of dudes without ever seeing them — or their apartments. SPY tapped Rodriguez to think about her green flags, now that she’s out of the pods, newly Manhattan-based, and blessed with the gift of sight on dates.
The Green Flags: For Rodriguez, cleaning products are a non-negotiable — everywhere, but particularly in the bathroom. (One would argue this is a non-negotiable for all sentient beings.) “Lysol Toilet Bowl Cleaner,” she says of the product she’d most like to see. “It’s so weird, but it’s the sexiest thing. It tells me that you clean your toilet bowl the right way. I think those kinds of habits usually resonate in other areas. Clean house, good hygiene, good work ethic.”
Another flag is a streamlined closet with hangers of the same type (specifically black velvet ones) — something she learned when she first visited the apartment of her LIB co-star and ex-fiancé, Bartise Bowden, and saw the exact opposite. “He had 50 different hangers — it irked me so much,” she says. “After we broke up, went on with our lives, and reconnected later as friends, I had gone through a process of getting rid of a bunch of my clothes and plastic hangers. I thought, ‘What do I do with 150 hangers that are all black and the same?’ I texted Bartise [to see if he wanted them]. He was like, ‘Yeah.’ I don’t know if he still has them. I don’t know if he used them.”
Leah Koch
About the Flagger: For Leah Koch, a co-owner of the New York- and LA-based romantic bookstore The Ripped Bodice, thinks a lot about pleasure — specifically, what it means to read for pleasure. When asked about her dating green flags, Koch’s go-ahead products go hand in hand with the art she loves and sells at the store.
The Green Flags: “My answer is fun books,” she says. “I would be excited by someone who’s like, ‘Here’s this 47-book fantasy series that I’ve loved since I was a kid, or ‘Here’s my collection of graphic novels or thrillers.’ The sign that somebody reads for pleasure would be a winner for me.” (Bonus points if the book is by prolific romance writer Nora Roberts, one of Koch’s favorite romance authors.)
Lindsey Metselaar
About the Flagger: Lindsey Metselaar‘s dating advice podcast “We Met at Acme” is a weekly download for hundreds of thousands of single urbanites across the country navigating the push-pull of prospective partnership. Her notorious list of “dating rules” of romantic etiquette are controversial — seemingly on purpose — and she’s not shy about pointing out every red, green, and beige flag in a man’s actions. (She’s made a whole career of it, after all.) When it came time to poke experts about a man’s product-based signifiers, she was a no-brainer.
The Green Flags: A bed. Seriously. “Unfortunately, the bar is so low that you can start with a bed frame,” she says. “Also, more than one pillow. We love more than just a gross blue pillow.”
Metselaar also encouraged obvious displays of (framed) affection. “It’s nice if they have a photo of their family,” she says. “When I was dating and I’d go to guys’ places, no one ever had any photos up anywhere. It’s a bit of a serial killer vibe.”
During her dating years, Metselaar has also noticed a gaping hole in the wardrobes of many young urban dwellers. “A lot of guys don’t have proper winter gear. Most have the one jacket their mom got them when they first graduated from college, but they don’t have gloves, beanies, or anything else,” she says. “If they’ve invested in gear for cold-weather gear, that’s a green flag because it’s so rare.” (In particular, Metselaar loves Hugo Boss for men’s coats.)
Mary Beth Barone
About the Flagger: Mary Beth Barone, a New York-based comedian and writer, is a bit of an anthropologist when it comes to the proverbial straight man, managing to both skewer and date them simultaneously (at least some of the time). SPY felt she was the perfect person to ask which products in a man’s apartment would stand out — in a good way — to her keen, unrelenting eye.
The Green Flags: “I would say for me, [whether I’m dating] a guy or a girl, it would be the book Three Women by Lisa Taddeo,” she says. “And it can’t be virtue signaling. They have to have read it. I want to see kinks in the spine.” Is she speaking from past experiences? “No. But I bought it for my boyfriend just in case we break up,” she says. “It’s my gift. And then women in the future can know that he’s a good guy.
Her runner-up is a more common household object: “I actually think it’s nice when straight guys have tampons in their bathroom as a considerate thing,” she says. “When I went to my boyfriend’s house — he lived with like, four or five guys — they had them. He lives in England, so it’s a little different there. But I was like, ‘Wow, you know what? They might be fuckboys because of that, but I also respect it.’”
Jordan Miller
About the Flagger: Jordan Miller, the lead singer of Toronto-based rock outfit The Beaches, delivered one of the best, most effortlessly cool breakup songs (“Blame Brett”) and albums (Blame My Ex — sensing a theme?) of 2023. When SPY asked Miller to flip the script and look on the bright side, it turns out there are some physical objects that’d make her take another run at a relationship (or, at least, at a very good night).
The Green Flag: “There are two things that I find really attractive in a partner: if they have a good sense of humor and if they’re a good cook,” she says. “[My green flag is] if I see a proper cast-iron pan that’s been well-used — particularly if it’s a Matty Matheson cast iron pan. [The chef has] a great line of cookware, he’s a fellow Canadian, and he’s hilarious. It checks a lot of boxes for me. Overall, there’s nothing hotter, in my opinion, than having somebody take you to their house, have their way with you, and then cook for you the next morning.”
Turner Allen
About the Flagger: Turner Allen has made a name for himself coaching tech CEOs, bankers, and confused men on how to dress themselves. As someone who spends all day, every day thinking about the meaning and value of clothes, we thought he’d be the perfect expert to tap for analyzing a man’s closet. Is a pile of sneakers a red flag? What if they still have their first suit from high school tucked away in a corner? After pillaging through hundreds of mens’ wardrobes, we asked him what to look for.
The Green Flags: “The first green flag that comes to mind is a shoe rotation,” says New York-based men’s stylist Turner Allen. “If he has some loafers, derbies, or Oxfords — or, more than just a Hypebeast-style sneaker — it signals that this person has the awareness that different situations call for different types of shoes.”
Allen adds that many men try to make one item stretch indefinitely — a mistake. “Another green flag is when a guy has nice, new-ish, well-fitting underwear,” he says. He also likes when a guy opts for other slightly elevated basics from brands like Todd Snyder or Buck Mason. “They don’t need to be tremendously expensive,” he says.
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