Woman feels pressure to hide secret from roommate: 'It's just not worth it'

Katie Mather

BuzzFeed writer Stephen LaConte once again opened up his DMs on social media to people looking for advice.

This time, an anonymous woman wrote in about an emotional dilemma she was having with her roommate.

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“I have a bit of a crush (okay maybe a big one) on my roommate, who is also female,” the woman said. “In the last year that we’ve lived together we’ve gotten super close and now consider each other best friends. I get some flirty vibes from her, although she’s not outwardly bi (but has admitted to finding women attractive). I’m really hesitant to tell her how I feel bc [sic] I don’t want to make things awkward between us if she doesn’t feel the same way. I’m trying to approach things carefully, but I’m also a very honest person and I don’t like keeping my feelings buried.”

The situation is certainly complicated, especially if the two are now around each other all day and night while social distancing — a point that was brought up in the comments as a reason for her to wait to confess her feelings.

“Definitely wait until quarantine is over. This would be a horrible time to be in an awkward situation with someone you share an apartment with 24/7. And moving now would be a huge hassle,” one person explained.

In his reply, LaConte first addresses the ambiguity of the roommate’s sexual orientation.

“If she does say she’s straight, you need to take her at her word on that. ‘Flirty vibes’ are not sufficient evidence to the contrary.”

He continues by explaining that sometimes, in crushes and in love, “there’s a chance you’re reading more into your interactions with this person than what’s actually there.”

LaConte explains that the fact that they live together complicates things further. If they weren’t, it would be easier to “throw caution to the wind” and admit her feelings. But, because they share a home, the stakes are higher and not only does the submitter risk needing to move out of discomfort, but she also risks losing a friend.

LaConte concludes with advising that she “sit with her feelings” for longer before confessing.

“I’ve dated a roommate (it was a dude) and it’s just not worth it,” one commenter replied. “It changes the whole dynamic and if something goes wrong, one of you will end up moving anyway.”

“I had a gay friend in grad school who had a crush on me (I thought we were just really close friends) and when she tried to kiss me one night,” another person said. “I told her she knew I was hetero when she asked me ‘what I like.’ Our friendship never bounced back from that.”

Despite the awkward stories, LaConte leaves room for the anonymous submitter to not feel entirely rejected. There is always a chance the roommate could reciprocate feelings — the most important thing is to wait for the right time.

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