180 Best 'Succession' Quotes and Insults

Succession has come to an end, and though star Jeremy Strong believes it's a tragedy — which, depending on your opinions of the possibility of redemption, could be true — for many, it's a comedy: The show satirizes the tragedy that the characters, spawned by Logan Roy (Brian Cox), bring upon themselves and those closest to them. Because they're not serious people!

The HBO smash is going to really be missed (shout out to all the fans who want to fix Roman Roy!), but these biting and hilarious Succession quotes and Succession insults will live on forever.

Related: Everything to Know About the Final Season of Succession

Succession Quotes

Roman Roy Quotes

1. "You look tired and your face is giving me a headache." — Roman Roy

2. "Frank! It hasn't been the same without you. It's been better." — Roman Roy

3. "He's afraid of needles. He's not a real junkie." — Roman Roy

4. "What comes after 9? 9B?" — Roman Roy

5. "You have to stop this." — Roman Roy

6. "Hey, Buddha, nice Tom Fords." — Roman Roy

7. "I thought I smelled dairy." — Roman Roy

8. "I think our position must be that we're just done cornholing our dad." — Roman Roy

9. "I think we have to drink a couple of martini passive aggressives." — Roman Roy

10. "You're totally fine, just throw her another ten grand. Or a snowmobile and some teeth-whitening vouchers." — Roman Roy

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11. "He was a king once. Now look at him. Eating sh*t with feet of clay, a f*cking neutered hound-dog. Elvis on the f*cking toilet! Like, he doesn’t come back from this, right? He just walked around the New York Stock Exchange with his severed d*ck in his hand asking where was good for free soup. He just ate the big dog d*ck. Sucked that pooch bone dry!" — Roman Roy

12. "What I think he meant to say was that he wished mom gave birth to a can opener, because at least then it would be useful." — Roman Roy

13. "Oh, wings! I wonder from which particular creature they snipped these wings! Perhaps a mammal!" — Roman Roy

14. "You inhuman f*cking dog man." — Roman Roy

15. "Aw, what’s wrong? You all wedgied up because Rhea stood on your back and worked your arms like an elliptical?" — Roman Roy

16. "Ooh, nice vest, Wambsgans. It’s so puffy. What’s it stuffed with, your hopes and dreams?" — Roman Roy

17. "He’s like a sex robot for Dad to f*ck." — Roman Roy

18. "I was never a corporate c*ck-suck anyway. Besides, I never made it this high in the f*cking building! They stuck me in LA with Old Father Time right here. We were the pool boys, right, Frank? F*ckin’ banana cabana?" — Roman Roy

19. "Ken did great. It was Tom who farted in his s*it." — Roman Roy

20. "‘Control the narrative.’ You probably yell that when you c*m. ‘Oh, control the narrative! Oh, control it. Control the narrative!’" — Roman Roy

21. "Where do you buy your suits by the way, Tom? Like, maybe that’s why I’m just not moving as fast as you. I just don’t have that, like, boxy, corporate look, right? I mean, I’m sorry, but like, what the f*ck? You look like a Transformer. Like, wh—what’s wrong with your body, man?" — Roman Roy

22. "Look at you, scanning for influence like a yuppie Robocop." — Roman Roy

23. "It’s dirty, it’s weird, and it’s evidence of precisely the kind of disgusting liberal metro butt-love that makes our viewership angry enough to buy pharmaceuticals." — Roman Roy

24. "What the f*ck is this obsession with milk? You know who drinks milk? Kittens and perverts." — Roman Roy

25. "I'm going to take a sh*t. Want me to livestream it?" — Roman Roy

26. "We just made a night of good TV." — Roman Roy

27. "I am King Dong. I am King of Dong. Bow down to me." — Roman Roy

28. "Discord makes me d*ck-hord." — Roman Roy

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Logan Roy Quotes

29. "Why am I looking at all of this pizza?" — Logan Roy

30. "I was about to take advice from a clown who dives headfirst into the shallow end of the pool." — Logan Roy

31. "She can f*ck off and enjoy her lily-white chicken flesh conscience working for a f*cking phone company." — Logan Roy

32. "People come to us because we don’t sell them on anything. No packet of f*cking bleeding heart, United Nations, Volvo, gender-bender horses*it." — Logan Roy

33. "Do you have a problem?" — Logan Roy

34. "You’re a f*cking creep. I mean you — you went for three jobs, you didn't get any of them. Your vineyard was a write-off. And now your trophy girlfriend is sucking some waiter’s d*ck in Palermo, so now you’ve come crawling back, like a f*cking worm." — Logan Roy

35. "Someone send a telegram to Ilona telling her she’s no longer required and my best to her cancer." — Logan Roy

36. "I'm still here. I haven't gone. You getting your Viking hat on early?" — Logan Roy

37. "He’s selling me things I want at a fair price. So what’s next? Fellatio?" — Logan Roy

38. "Just text on your phone, ya bendy f*ck." — Logan Roy

39. "Why don’t you pipe down till you come and tell me I’ve got a grandson coming? Hmm? Or are you shooting blanks?" — Logan Roy

40. "She's a million years old. It's f*cking disgusting. You're a laughingstock." — Logan Roy

41. "You wanna do good things? Be a f*cking nurse." — Logan Roy

42. "You are such f*cking dopes." — Logan Roy

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43. "I need a firebreather. A ruthless f*ck who will do whatever it takes." —  Logan Roy

44. "Smart people know what they are." — Logan Roy

45. "In this city, the rats are fat as skunks. They hardly care to run anymore." — Logan Roy

46. "I love you, but you are not serious people." — Logan Roy

47. "What have you had your entire life that I didn’t give you?" — Logan Roy

48. "Drive your f*cking whirly bird." — Logan Roy

49. "So sue me—my lawyer used to work for the justice department, who’s your lawyer? Mr. F*cking Magoo?" — Logan Roy

50. "This is about as choreographed as a dog getting f*cked on roller skates." — Logan Roy

51. "Munsters. Think they're f*cking Munsters." — Logan Roy

52. "Let the minutes reflect that Logan Roy shoved his boot up Frank’s ass." — Logan Roy

53. "You're dry as f*cking dust." — Logan Roy

54. "You're useless. You're as bad as my f*cking idiot kids." — Logan Roy

55. "You're not a killer." — Logan Roy

56. "Oh Christ, Sid F*cking Caesar." — Logan Roy

57. "Happy Christmas, you clock-watching f*cks." — Logan Roy

58. "Romulus. When you're laughing, please do it at the same volume as everyone else. We didn’t get you from a hyena farm." — Logan Roy

59. "I’m going to grind his f*cking bones to make my bread." — Logan Roy

60. "Would you like to hear my favorite passage from Shakespeare? 'Take the f*cking money.'" — Logan Roy

61. "Anyone who believes that I am getting out, please shove the bunting up your ass." — Logan Roy

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Kendall Roy Quotes

62. "You can't put a value on a human life. Except in our case, you rather precisely can, because when trading opens tomorrow, we're gonna drop like a stone." — Kendall Roy

63. "He's a guy we can do business with." — Kendall Roy

64. "The dinosaur is having one last roar at the meteor before it wipes him out." — Kendall Roy

65. "I'm better than you. I hate to say this because I love you, but you're kind of evil." — Kendall Roy

66. "Little Lord F*ckleroy has joined the call." — Kendall Roy

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67. "When you say the thing that's not, that's a lie." — Kendall Roy

68. "I wondered why you looked like a goose about to sh*t a house brick." — Kendall Roy

69. "Stay hydrated." — Kendall Roy

70. "A show about politics called Inside Baseball. How f*cking confusing is that?" — Kendall Roy

71. "My dad is a bastard. They need to know I'm a bastard too." — Kendall Roy

72. "You couldn’t get a job in a burger joint let alone a Fortune 500 without some nepotism." — Kendall Roy

73. "You tell yourself you’re a good person, but you're not a good person." — Kendall Roy

74. "Bitches be catty, but the king's my daddy." — Kendall Roy

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Cousin Greg Quotes

75. "Where are your kids? Where's all your kids Uncle Logan, on your big birthday?" — Cousin Greg Hirsch

76. "I never intended to soil these halls." — Cousin Greg Hirsch

77. "He's just moseying, terrifyingly moseying. He's like if Santa Claus was a hitman." — Cousin Greg Hirsch

78. "I'm more than a sprinkle." — Cousin Greg Hirsch

79. "It's like Jaws if everyone in Jaws worked for Jaws." — Cousin Greg Hirsch

80. "A lot of very important people want to scream at you." — Cousin Greg Hirsch

81. "I gots the old rumblin' tum." — Cousin Greg Hirsch

82. "What do you want me to do? Take his legs out?" — Cousin Greg Hirsch

83. "I don't do white drugs." — Cousin Greg Hirsch

84. "It's not like they pre-poop them, they're just bags really. It's a mental barrier." — Cousin Greg Hirsch

85. "I'm a sturdy birdy." — Cousin Greg Hirsch

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86. "I can drink these, right? These are drinks for people?" — Cousin Greg Hirsch

87. "His crew knows some unseemly venues. I danced with an old man. Yeah, he didn’t want to dance, and they made us dance. He was so confused. I drank things that aren't normally drinks." — Cousin Greg Hirsch

88. "Negotiate a bit of a Gregxit." — Cousin Greg Hirsch

89. "I don't know how you did it in the '60s. Different times. Different times indeed. Better times? Not ... not for all." — Cousin Greg Hirsch

90. "What am I gonna do with a soul anyways?" — Cousin Greg Hirsch

91. "If it is to be said, so it be, so it is." — Cousin Greg Hirsch

92. "What is your toenails are not all that aesthetically pleasing?" — Cousin Greg Hirsch

93. "We hear for you." — Cousin Greg Hirsch

94. "I can take a lot in terms of psychological pain." — Cousin Greg Hirsch

95. "I'm worried about prison. I just feel because of my physical length, I could be a target for all sorts of misadventures." — Cousin Greg Hirsch

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Tom Wambsgans Quotes

96. "Hanging around, like the threat of nuclear war." — Tom Wambsgans

97. "Ooh, but they’re not, in fact, receipts! Greg, you’re a criminal mastermind. What polyglot genius could ever hope to crack your impenetrable code?" — Tom Wambsgans

98. "He did once call me the c*nt of Monte Cristo." — Tom Wambsgans

99. "This is like Israel and Palestine, but way harder and way more important." — Tom Wambsgans

100. "Forgive me, but are we talking to each other on the poop deck of a majestic schooner? Is the salty brine stinging my weather-beaten face? No? Then why the f*ck are you wearing a pair of deck shoes, man?" — Tom Wambsgans

101. "It's a long way back from pond life because you failed to get me a double-shot, OK?" — Tom Wambsgans

102. "I have of late decided not to tarry too much with hope." — Tom Wambsgans

103. "What are you saying, all Aztecs are stupid? Don't be a racist little bitch about it." — Tom Wambsgans

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104. "I just wonder if the sad I'd be without you is less than the sad I get from being with you." — Tom Wambsgans

105. "Bodega sushi? Are you insane?" — Tom Wambsgans

106. "My digestive system is basically part of the Constitution." — Tom Wambsgans

107. "Your earlobes are thick and chewy. They're like barnacle meat." — Tom Wambsgans

108. "Greg, this is not f*cking Charles Dickens' world, OK? You don’t go around talking about principles. We're all trying to do the right thing, of course we are. But come on, man! Man the f*ck up!" — Tom Wambsgans

109. "You don’t hear much about syphilis these days. Very much the MySpace of STDs." — Tom Wambsgans

110. "She's brought a ludicrously capacious bag. What's even in there? Flat shoes for the subway? Her lunch pail?" — Tom Wambsgans

111. "She couldn't get her cloven hooves into regular shoes." — Tom Wambsgans

112. "Here's the thing about being rich: it's f*cking great. It's like being a superhero, only better." — Tom Wambsgans

113. "Information is like a bottle of fine wine. You store it, you hoard it, you save it for a special occasion and then you smash someone's f*cking face in with it." — Tom Wambsgans

114. "Greg, do not put anymore more lemon water or wasabi in his eyes, OK?" — Tom Wambsgans

Related: Why Matthew MacFadyen Thinks Succession Is Like The Sopranos

Shiv Roy Quotes

115. "Who watches the watchmen? I f*cking do." — Shiv Roy

116. "Well, this is why you don’t hatch a plan with Connor, the first f*cking pancake." — Shiv Roy

117. "F*cking Pontius Pilate." — Shiv Roy

118. "You're wiry. You're like a f*cking spelunker." — Shiv Roy

119. "Killing hobos isn’t a hobby." — Shiv Roy

120. "Oh, what is that? Date Rape by Calvin Klein?" — Shiv Roy

121. "You have a toddler with a hard-on for a chief operating officer, and I'm going through a management training program?" — Shiv Roy

122. "Goodbye, my dear, dear, world of a father." — Shiv Roy

123. "Just think: Yeah, once you’re done, you won’t have to waste the 12 seconds it takes to look up something on Wikipedia." — Shiv Roy

124. "You love showing your pee-pee to everyone, but someday, you know, you're actually going to have to f*ck something." — Shiv Roy

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125. "This stinks of stale pale male and you need an outsider to advise." — Shiv Roy

126. "Have you ever had a f*cking grapefruit without an agenda?" — Shiv Roy

127. "Cold and inhospitable. Checks out." — Shiv Roy

128. "So, send out two cover stars for Toxic Male Monthly — and why don't we get Ted Bundy up there and make it a three-way?" — Shiv Roy

129. "What is this, McCarthyism? I'm not declining. I'm just not clining." — Shiv Roy

130. "I think sometimes you just need a good old-fashioned dinosaur cull." — Shiv Roy

131. "Do you outsource your f*ckery? You got your right brain for your TED Talks, your left brain for your killings?" — Shiv Roy

132. "Oh, hello? Is this the replicant department? Yeah, my meat puppet has stopped working." — Shiv Roy

133. "A tsunami just came and washed everything away. No one is checking the d*cks." — Shiv Roy

134. "I can do f*cking anything, my dad just died." — Shiv Roy

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Connor Roy Quotes

135. "Love is a strange and peculiar affliction. It's like a virus. So could you please just stay here a while, and maybe you'll catch it?" — Connor Roy

136. "It's kind of a greeting card from hell. It's a Times New Roman firing squad." — Connor Roy

137. "A real bar with chicks and guys who work with their hands and sweat from their hands and have blood in their hair." — Connor Roy

138. "I'm the eldest son. And I must be considered, and I need to be taken into account." — Connor Roy

139. "The butter is too cold! The butter's all f*cked! You're f*ckwads and you f*cked it! There's dinner rolls ripping out there as we speak!" — Connor Roy

140. "I'm not saying I'd make a better CEO. That's unsaid." — Connor Roy

141. "$5 million is a nightmare. Can't retire, not worth it to work. Five will drive you un poco loco, my fine-feathered friend." — Connor Roy

142. "Sometimes I think I'll never understand Dad until I sh*t outside." — Connor Roy

143. "You're needy love sponges and I'm a plant that grows on rocks that lives off of insects that die inside of me." — Connor Roy

144. "But if you don't allow it, I'm gonna punch Tom in the face and I'm gonna rip my shirt open, I'm gonna take a f*ckin' dump on the ground. I'm gonna go apesh*t, because she's the woman I love." — Connor Roy

145. "Her dot is at an aquarium supply retailer. Is that a drug thing?" — Connor Roy

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146. "The good thing about having a family that doesn't love you is you learn to live without it." — Connor Roy

147. "Can I just be your fun guy in Uruguay?" — Connor Roy

148. "This family's broken. And that has consequences. A missed phone call today, a couple dozen kids lose their jobs in China. Butterfly wings, but bigger, huge wings. Like a pterodactyl, or the Smithsonian. So let's fix our wings." — Connor Roy

149. "America, be afraid. Be warned. For the Conheads are coming." — Connor Roy

150. "It just makes an election so much more interesting when you're in it." — Connor Roy

151. "If I was to fall under one percent, I feel like I would become a laughingstock." — Connor Roy

152. "Hey, if you wanna print something in your little book, you may print the following line: 'Connor Roy was interested in politics at a very young age.'" — Connor Roy

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Miscellaneous Succession Quotes

153. "Oh, God forbid I will miss the plaque, right? Your shiny little gravestone." — Marcia

154. "We're calling Kerry a taxi to the subway so that she can go home to her little apartment." — Marcia

155. "Is Greg necessary?" — Hugo

156. "What’s it like being married to a man with two a*sholes?" — Hugo

157. "They call Gil 'Meth Head Santa,' because he so rarely delivers." – Hugo

158. "Tom, it’s tough to have to tell you this, but I’m in a sexual relationship with your mother. She talks in her sleep." — Gerri Kellman

159. "You little slime puppy." — Gerri Kellman

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160. "I guess if you did have something deal-wise, it’s kinda like, dead in the water now, right? Kinda like the women who went on those cruises." — Stewy

161. "F*ck you, too, you pusillanimous piece of f*cking fool’s gold." — Stewy

162. "The Logan Roy School of Journalism. What’s next, the Jack the Ripper Women’s Health Clinic?" — Ewan Roy

163. "Any other man would have died from the shame. It’s hard to know which is more toxic: your news outlets or your cruise division." — Ewan Roy

164. "This whole family is a nest of vipers. They'll wrap themselves around you, and suffocate you." — Ewan Roy

165. "He fed a certain kind of meagerness in men." — Ewan Roy

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166. "Actually, it’s quite good, your being the second-most important person at your wedding. Takes the pressure off." — Caroline

167. "Some people just aren't made to be mothers. I should've had dogs." — Caroline

168. "I don’t mean to make a big thing of this, but is it possible your father is the worst human being who ever lived?" — Gil Eavis

169. "You’re a bunch of bloated dinosaurs who didn’t even notice the monkeys swinging by ‘til yesterday. " — Lawrence Yee

170. "We hire people who want to work here. And we serve a demographic of highly, highly intelligent viewers, who are really tired of being patronized elsewhere by latte-sipping douchebags with hundred-dollar haircuts." — Cyd

171. "Everything feels very vivid today." — Willa

172. You can't be jumping for joy the whole time." — Willa

173. "Hey, listen. At least I’m only getting fucked by one member of this family, yeah?" — Willa

174. "Sometimes when you were absent they used to refer to you as the calamari c*ck ring." — Frank

175. "You're a clumsy interloper and no one trusts you. The only guy pulling for you is dead. And now, you’re just married to the ex-boss' daughter, and she doesn't even like you. And you are fair and squarely f*cked." — Karl

176. "Poor bastards. Hanging in the window like Peking duck." — Karl

177. "I don't care what you think. You're a tribute band." — Maddsen

178. "She's like an estrogen air freshener we have around to keep it smelling clean." — Maddsen

179. "St. Francis of Assisi! You’ve brought me animals!" — Nan Pierce

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