Is Your Partner Gaslighting You? Here's How to Know, According to Experts
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The word "gaslighting" seems to have exploded, with people using it more than ever before — in fact, it was Merriam-Webster's Word of the Year in 2022, enjoying an increase of 1740% in lookups. While not a new word, Webster says it picked it because with all the talk of "fake news," deep fakes and conspiracy theories, "gaslighting has emerged as the word for our time." Webster's defines it as “the act or practice of grossly misleading someone, especially for one’s own advantage.” But that doesn't get at the psychological damage to the person being gaslit.
The term comes from a 1938 play and then in its 1944 film adaptation Gaslight. In the movie, a woman's manipulative husband starts gradually dimming the gas lamps in their home and making other changes to their environment. When she brings it up, he tells her she’s forgetful, imagining things and behaving oddly, and isolates her from others so she can't get a reality check. Soon, she starts to doubt her own sanity, because the person closest to her, on whom she relies, is telling her that what she perceives to be happening is all in her head.
It's gaslighting in close, interpersonal relationships like this that can be the hardest to spot and defend against, says Amelia Kelley, Ph.D., a therapist and author of Gaslighting Recovery for Women: The Complete Guide to Recognizing Manipulation and Achieving Freedom from Emotional Abuse. "Gaslighting is one of the most destructive forms of emotional abuse that women can experience, causing them to distrust their own realities and perceptions and even believe they have a mental illness," says Kelley. But it doesn't only happen to women, and it doesn't only happen in romantic relationships, she says. It can happen in the workplace, with family, even in the doctor's office.
What is gaslighting, exactly?
Simply put, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, where someone is manipulated into “doubting his or her perceptions, experiences, or understanding of events,” according to the American Psychological Association (APA). It previously referred to extreme manipulation that could lead to someone developing a mental illness or needing to be committed to a psychiatric institution, but the APA says it’s used more generally now.
Gaslighting is when someone “tries to get another person or a group of people to question or doubt their own beliefs or their own reality,” explains Danielle Hairston, M.D., assistant professor of psychiatry and psychiatry residency training director at Howard University. “It’s a manipulation tactic.” By using specific phrases and tactics, especially repeatedly, “It’s trying to distract you or deflect guilt or accountability and responsibility. Sometimes, it’s even harsher, like someone is trying to belittle you or damage or chip away at your self-esteem.”
There are different types of gaslighting
And there are different levels of gaslighting and different types of people who engage in it, says Kelley, and not all of them are as clear as the example in the film. "Malicious gaslighting is the type that is done by traditionally emotional manipulative abusers, and this can include narcissists and sociopaths," she says. "What they have in common is that they want to gain and sustain control over someone." Even if the person is not aware that they are engaging in gaslighting, if the intent it to control another person using these tactics, it fits the bill.
But it might also show up in people Kelley calls self-protecting gaslighters, say, someone with substance abuse disorder who takes $20 from your purse and then tells you they didn't, that you spent it on something you can't remember. That person is still lying to try and make you doubt your own perception, but the purpose is to get away with something — not to dominate you or make you feel crazy. With this type of gaslighter, "because the intent is not to harm, when confronted, there might be a level of remorse and a desire to change," says Kelley. "People who are brought up by narcissists or are scared and insecure, this kind of gaslighting becomes a protective behavior." A malignant gaslighter, by contrast, will deny your reality to you even when you show them the nannycam video of them taking the $20 from your purse.
To be clear, says Kelley, just because someone may not be gaslighting you to control you, doesn't make it okay, or any less potentially harmful to you. "It’s important to understand that any form of gaslighting is negative, and it's not something anyone deserves to encounter or has to put up with," she says.
Gaslighting can be subtle — that's why it is so effective. Manipulative people can use it to minimize your feelings, as in "You're blowing things way out of proportion."; to shift and deflect blame and put it on you ("You are misunderstanding what I'm saying"); to trivialize your concerns ("That sounds kind of crazy, don't you think?") and other tactics that leave you at best feeling angry and unheard, and at worse insecure, full of apologies and as if your thoughts and feelings need to be constantly second-guessed.
Here are some common gaslighting phrases people often use when confronted, and more information below about how you can empower yourself to respond to gaslighting.
"I really think you need to calm down."
You express your feelings — with passion, even getting upset when you feel you're not being heard — and your gaslighter decides that the problem is the way you express your feelings, not what you have to say.This is called trivializing, a way of not dealing with your feelings. "If you’re getting upset, your feelings are valid," says Kelley, whose first book, What I Wish I Knew is newly on Audible. "Someone who is not gaslighting you should validate what you’re saying." This kind of language can be profoundly damaging if it's used in a dismissive way, because it can leave a person thinking maybe they really are "too much." It can also make you even angrier, which seems to "prove" that you need to calm down. Grrr.This is often used in conjunction with stereotyping, as in writing off your being upset as just something people of your "overly emotional" gender or race do. The "angry black woman" trope is the most stark example of this.
"Are you sure you didn't dream that?"
This phrase, when used by a gaslighter, is one way of getting you to doubt your memory so they might wriggle out of a commitment or something they said in the past to placate you. It can make you feel profoundly unmoored. "It’s gonna start making you question yourself," says Kelley. "Our memory is a very important part of our narrative. When you think about people who have degenerative brain issues or dementia, it's terrifying when you lose your own narrative."
But if you hear it often enough, and from someone you love, it can make you feel like maybe they're right. This is another way of saying, "You're just making stuff up," says Kelley.
"I'm actually really concerned about you — you seem all over the place."
This one depends on context, of course — someone might legit be concerned about you if you seem scattered.
But used by a gaslighter, it might be another way of trivializing, wrapped up in alleged concern about your wellbeing, which may make you let your guard down and be more open to what they're saying. "The intention is to make someone feel like natural human experience and needs are over the top, unhealthy, not normal," says Kelley. "It's similar to saying, 'you’re so emotional, why are you so needy?'"
In some extreme cases, where a person has been so emotionally undermined that the stress does in fact make them feel scattered, it could lead you to believe that the gaslighter, alone, understands you.
"Just so you know, my [spouse/partner] has been acting a little irrationally."
This is a phrase that a gaslighter would not say to you, but would say to the people around you to garner sympathy if you express to someone in your community that you're unhappy in the relationship. This is using isolation, says Kelley, to undermine your support.
Why would he do this? Perhaps the gaslighter wants you to feel so insecure that you turn back to them, or so that whatever happens the narrative is out there that you're mentally unwell. Later, he can say, "You had no idea what I had to put up with," which further lets him control the narrative.
"You're bulling me"
This one, too, depends on context, because it is a totally fair thing to say if you are, in fact, bullying your partner.
But often gaslighters try to turn the table on you when you insist that your point of view be heard and label you as an aggressor. "This is deflecting — they're calling you something instead of listening to what you're saying," says Kelley. Kelly adds that what gaslighters often do is find the thing that their partner is insecure about — perhaps in this case, standing up for oneself — and imply you're taking it too far, which may make you doubt yourself.
"I'm sorry if you're mad."
Context, again, is everything. At first glance, a person apologizing that you're upset seems like no big deal.
But this phrase is often followed immediately by a "but" and a whole list of reasons why you're wrong for being mad. "It's taking no responsibility, so the feeling of being mad is the problem," says Kelley. That means you're the problem, not the thing that they did about which you are angry.
An emotionally well adjusted person, on the other hand, would be curious about why you're angry, says Kelley, and curious about ways they can help repair it if they are at fault.
"Now why would I make that up?"
The goal here, says Kelley, is to take no responsibility, no matter what. "It's denial — I wouldn’t say that, why would I say that? I wouldn’t do that,'" she says. A gaslighter does that to cast uncertainty and confusion over everything, which sets the stage for your self-doubt and throws you off balance. In the beginning of a relationship it might be softer, says Kelley, more like, “I don’t remember saying that.”
"Why are you doing this to me? It makes no sense!"
Let's say you've made up your mind to leave the gaslighter, and you tell them exactly why, from your perspective. If they say these words, it is deflection — the person makes themselves into the victim, so you feel guilty and perhaps second guess the really good reasons you just gave him. "It's saying, 'You're the bad actor in this,'" says Kelley.
"You know I would never hurt you on purpose."
Coming from someone who is emotionally well adjusted, this could be part of a sincere apology.
But coming from a gaslighter who did something malicious or hurtful to you (perhaps repeatedly), the "on purpose" is doing a lot of work in this sentence. "It's a way of not taking ownership," says Kelley. It also seems to be a ploy to gain your sympathy, because it was an "accident." In the worst scenario, it's an excuse for abuse that they are claiming they cannot control. Saying that "you know" they would never hurt you when they've hurt you in the past may further make you question your perceptions.
Think about this phrase coming from someone who is not trying to control your response: After "You know I would never hurt you on purpose," says Kelley, the person would continue the apology by explaining why they acted the way they did, taking ownership for the way they acted, making it clear that they shouldn't have reacted the way they did.
"I did it for your own good"
Kelley calls this "withholding," "A way to strategically make the other person feel incompetent," she says. "It gives the person more control over you and causes more confusion," by making you feel like you can't function without the person.
One example of this is in financial abuse, says Kelley, where one person implies that the other is "bad with money," and takes totally control over the bill paying and the like, so that the gaslit person becomes more reliant.
Another way this phrase is used is simply by implying that you don't know what's good for your own life, because your perceptions are faulty.
"I'm not sure [your friends/family] has your best interest at heart."
Context is important here, too, because there may well be instances where this is true.
But with a gaslighter, it is likely a tactic to isolate you from the people you trust, so you can't get a reality check, and come to rely more on that person to the exclusion of people who can give you a different perspective.
A gut-check (would people you've loved and trusted for a long time suddenly not have your best interests at heart?) can be incredibly useful to spot a gaslighter. "If you experience any kind of gaslighting, as soon as you can, check in with someone neutral or who knows you so you can get back to some sense of reality — it's really important," says Kelly.
"You're too emotional"
This is another attempt to trivialize someone's feelings — the problem is your emotions, not whatever the other person did to trigger them, says Kelley.
It also points to a devaluing of emotions in favor of Mr. Spock-like logic, which is portrayed by the gaslighter as somehow superior, and more "in control." While this often happens with men telling women they're too emotional, "sensitive men get very gaslight, and are made to feel uncomfortable with having emotions because they’re men," she says.
"Oh yeah, your life is so hard"
Naturally this is said sarcastically when you voice discontent about something. It is straight up trivializing, making you feel as if your difficulties shouldn't feel as hard to you as they do, and would be super easy for everyone else. It also implies that you have no right to complain because your life isn't, in fact, hard, or as hard as other people's.
Someone who is not gaslighting you, of course would ask why you feel that way, and a conversation would take off from there. "The point is, your feelings are valid," says Kelley.
"I never agreed to that — where did you get that idea?"
That is straight up denial, says Kelley, and if the person is an abusive, malignant gaslighter, they will never admit that they did agree to whatever it is.
This type of denial sometimes happen with family members who rewrite history, which may cause you to doubt your memory. In a business or romantic relationship, it can be very destabilizing. "With a malignant gaslighter, the intent is to harm, control and abuse, and they will not retract something like this, no matter how convincing you are," says Kelley. Nor will they express true remorse, and if they apologize they are likely to retract it, and blame you for "making it up."
"You just think that's what you mean — it's not what you really mean."
Not only don't you know what you mean, but the gaslighter knows your own mind better than you do. This is the tactic of countering, says Kelley. "That's where you’re making the person doubt their competence and their internal reality." Over time, she says, the gaslit person can lose touch with their own instincts and even their own inner narrative. The only person they feel they can trust? The gaslighter.
"You don't really want that."
What this usually means is, "I don't want you to have what you want," but by framing it this way, it implies the gaslighter knows you better than you know yourself. This is withholding, says Kelley, a way of strategically making the person feel incompetent in making their own decisions.
"I know about these things."
This phrase isn't always gaslighting. But in certain contexts, when one person has more power than the other, it can be used to make the other person feel as if they shouldn't trust their own experience or point of view. It happens often in a medical setting, says Kelley. "You go in and you say, 'I am having these symptoms and I looked it up,'" she says. "And the doctor says, 'Really? Dr. Google? I'm the professional.'"
That type of gaslighting isn't malicious, in that the doctor isn't trying to control you so much as protect their own image, but it can still be harmful and is a form of isolation. "It's like saying, 'I am your only source," Kelley says, which can discourage your agency and create reliance on the expert.
"You're crazy."
This is a common phrase that gaslighters use to avoid taking responsibility or being accountable for their actions, Dr. Hairston says. It leads the victim to self-doubt and question the reality of the situation, and worry about their own judgment and sanity.
“So and so thinks you’re crazy, too.”
Since isolation is a key tactic of gaslighting, perpetrators try to make you feel alone or powerless. Usually, instead of using specific names, gaslighters will use general terms like, “everyone thinks there’s something wrong with you” or “all our friends know you have problems,” explains Stephanie Sarkis, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People—and Break Free. “I call them invisible armies,” she says. “They’ll use this as a backup of people who aren’t there to solidify their point.”
“It didn’t happen that way.”
Telling a victim that something never happened or that it occurred differently than how they remember is a covert form of gaslighting, Sarkis says. It causes someone to doubt their perceptions and feel confused. “It can be very traumatic,” Dr. Hairston said. “It can be a very negative experience when you’re trying to express something that happened and someone is repeatedly telling you, ‘No, it didn’t happen.’”
“That never happened.”
Making you doubt your memory or reality is a covert, passive-aggressive tactic of gaslighting, Sarkis says. Telling someone that something didn’t happen is a common phrase that downplays someone’s experiences and feelings. This comment can be especially harmful if it revolves around a traumatic event.
“That’s not what I meant.”
This statement enables a gaslighter to avoid taking responsibility. Discrediting a person’s opinion, personal experience, credibility or intelligence are common gaslighting tactics, explains Jennifer Douglas, Ph.D., assistant clinical professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Stanford University School of Medicine.
“If you cared about me, you would ___”
In romantic relationships, a gaslighter may use their partner’s love against them as a way to excuse their own bad behavior. They may also incorrectly accuse partners of cheating or causing problems in the relationship. So they’ll say things like, “If you cared about me, you would let me look through your phone,” Sarkis says, which forces a victim to break down their boundaries. “The purpose is to undermine your sense of reality and to make you feel like you can’t trust yourself,” she says.
"You always blow things out of proportion."
Absolutisms like always, never, everyone and no one are “red flags” of gaslighting, Sarkis says. Accusing someone of overreacting trivializes a victim’s feelings and makes them feel like their judgment of the situation is skewed.
“This is why you don’t have friends.”
This statement is meant to attack someone’s self-worth and alienate them from others — so they’re more dependent on the gaslighter. Perpetrators may also attack your friends or families or suggest that you stay away from certain people. Dr. Hairston says this can be a subtle type of manipulation.
“Don’t get so worked up over this.”
Similar to telling someone that they’re crazy or overreacting, this statement discredits or minimizes a victim’s intelligence, emotions, or credibility, Douglas says. It’s essentially telling someone how they should feel, possibly making them worry that they aren’t reacting appropriately.
“You can’t take a joke.”
Gaslighters often say this to get away with hurtful comments. They may also start saying hurtful things in a joking way to normalize the situation. Hearing this phrase might lead you to second-guess your reactions and perceptions.
“You have no clue about ____.”
Manipulators often blame someone else for a problem in a relationship, while taking the attention off of themselves. For example, Sarkis says, gaslighters might say, “You have no clue how to manage money. We’re in debt because of you.” When in fact, the gaslighter is the one who’s overspending.
“You made me do ___.”
Deflecting and confusing a victim are hallmarks of gaslighting, and perpetrators often refuse to take responsibility for their actions, Dr. Hairston says. Gaslighters might accuse their victim of deliberately provoking them and then blame the victim when they get angry. Victims might feel the need to apologize even when they know they haven’t done anything wrong.
“I’m the only one who’s responsible in this relationship.”
Research published in the American Sociological Review noted the story of a woman whose partner would steal her money and then accuse her of losing it and being “careless” with money. “The purpose is to undermine your sense of reality and to make you feel like you can’t trust yourself,” Sarkis says.
“The kids know you’re not a good parent.”
This remark aims to cause “parental alienation,” Sarkis says, which causes victims to second-guess their actions, diminishes their self-esteem, and makes them believe others think badly of them. “They want you to get upset so you align more with the gaslighter,” she adds.
“Who are they going to believe?”
Gaslighting usually features an unequal power dynamic. Sarkis says this comment might come from your boss or a spouse who may have more clout in the community in an attempt to make you feel powerless. “They might say, ‘If you say something, who are they going to believe, me or the crazy person?’” she adds.
"You're too sensitive."
If you try to express hurt or other emotions, a gaslighter may say this to minimize and invalidate your feelings. The best way to respond is to stand your ground, Dr. Hairston says, “You should say, ‘Well, I don’t feel like I’m being sensitive. I’m trying to get my point across and express myself.’”
“Just don’t worry about it now.”
Once a gaslighter gets their victim upset, they might say this, especially if the victim tries to call them out. The goal is to minimize someone’s feelings so that they doubt their emotions or worry that they’re being too sensitive. “The core idea to look out for is the discrediting of one person’s opinion and personal experience,” Douglas says.
“You’re gaslighting me.”
Shifting blame is a common gaslighting tactic. Accusing the victim of being the gaslighter causes confusion, makes them question the situation, and draws attention away from the true gaslighter’s harmful behavior, Sarkis says.
What are the signs you're being gaslighted in an argument?
Gaslighters manipulate by deflecting or shifting blame or outright denying something happened, Dr. Hairston says. If you’re experiencing gaslighting, you may:
Doubt your feelings, beliefs, thoughts and reality
Question your perceptions and judgment
Feel alone, powerless, or inadequate
Feel confused
Apologize frequently
Second guess your feelings, memories and decisions
Worry that you’re too sensitive or that’s something wrong with you
Have trouble making decisions
Think others dislike you without cause
How does gaslighting take place?
You might associate gaslighting with romantic relationships, where it can be a form of domestic abuse. And, it is. But, gaslighting can occur in any relationship — with a partner, spouse, friend, sibling, co-worker or boss — where someone tries to wield power over another person and manipulate them.
Gaslighting is “rooted in social inequities,” including race and gender, and is common in instances where there’s a power differential, according to an American Sociological Review report. It comes up in situations where someone feels defensive, such as in arguments and disagreements — but, it can also be unprovoked and occur outside an argument, says Douglas.
“For example, in a harsh work environment where employees are continually disrespected and overworked, a manager may refer to the company as treating one another ‘like family’ when that phrasing may gaslight the experience of the employees,” she says.
Gaslighters sometimes try to isolate their victims from family and friends, who likely recognize and may call out how their loved one is being treated, Dr. Hairston adds. The isolation increases a victim’s dependency on their abuser and downgrades their self-esteem.
What can I do if I experience gaslighting?
Communicating with a gaslighter can be a challenge (even if it's one of your closest friends!). They’re likely to get defensive, angry, lie, or twist things around so you feel confused or doubt your feelings about the situation. Still, it's important to note that gaslighting is happening, Douglas says. And, keep documentation as proof, such as text messages or emails.
“We may not be able to keep the person from gaslighting us, but we may be able to make sure that they hear our case,” she explains, adding that sometimes communicating your feelings in writing instead of verbally works better. Still, things might not change.
“When you confront a gaslighter, be prepared that they usually don’t own up to it,” Sarkis says, adding that the gaslighter might double down on their behavior. “You can’t win an argument with somebody who has this level of manipulation.”
Sometimes, setting boundaries, walking away, and ending the relationship is the best approach. It might also be helpful to talk to a mental health professional about the experience. “If you feel like the situation is making you uncomfortable, making you doubt yourself, and it's impacting your self-esteem and confidence, walk away from the situation,” Dr. Hairston says. “You don't have to engage.”
You can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233, or log on to thehotline.org. The hotline is open 24/7, 365 days a year — and all calls are anonymous and confidential. If you need more info about the warning signs of abuse, or the best way to reach out to someone, log on to the National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV) website at womenslaw.org.
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