By Christopher Rosa. Photos: Getty Images.
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt—"reality" TV stars and crystal enthusiasts—are having a baby. No, this isn't a drill, and it's not 2008, either. A third member of Speidi is really coming.
The couple broke the news in the most them way possible: a splashy cover and interview with Us Weekly. "I have never been more excited," Montag told the magazine. "The reality is sinking in that we are going to have a child! I’ve read every pregnancy book, and now I realize I don’t know anything."
But even the best pregnancy book won't tell Montag and Pratt what they need to hear most: Do not, under any circumstances, let your offspring watch The Hills. If Heidi and Spencer's child sees what they did on the show, he or she will have a very warped idea about how the world works. No good can come from watching your parents rub crystals on their faces! These 17 Hills lessons, in particular, should go on baby Speidi's no-fly list.
1. It's acceptable to decorate a wall in your apartment with graffiti spray-paint.
2. Puppies are like tissues: Accept one from your boyfriend, and then make it disappear the second you call it quits. (Seriously, what happened to Heidi's little Bella?!)
3. Don’t worry about hiring a real cinematographer if you want to film a music video: Just DIY.
4. Fake a pregnancy to test your significant other’s loyalty.
5. Electricity isn’t a big deal if you want live jellyfish in your apartment.
6. Take loud personal calls at work. All the time. Your bosses won’t mind!
7. If you’re interviewing with a college admissions officer, focus on your shopping habits—not your grades.
8. Crystals will help you make friends.
9. Flesh beards are very sexy.
10. It’s totally normal to befriend your neighbor’s child and throw them a birthday party with a live elephant. (Sidebar: Can we talk about how this was a fake storyline literally made up for the show, and they actually filmed in the real boy's house?! What MTV producer thought, "Spencer befriends a random kid" was good drama?)
11. Go to the same Mexican restaurant once a week, but barely eat anything.
12. All of your problems can be solved at the club.
13. Los Angeles is better than Crested Butte. (Real talk: Heidi should've never left.)
14. If you want to make amends with a former friend, give them roses with prickly thorns.
15. Instead of getting a record deal, spend $2 million to record an album yourself. (Actually, this is solid advice because Superficial is great, in my opinion.)
16. Turn down Kris Jenner's offer to manage Kim Kardashian. (Yeah, Kris asked Spencer to manage Kim back in the day. Oh, and Kim used to organize Heidi's closets too. LOL.)
17. Annnd allegedly leak rumors that your girlfriend's best friend made a sex tape. Just no.
This story originally appeared on Glamour.
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