17 Moments People Became Aware That The Real Toxic Problem In Their Relationship Was Actually Them
Recently, users shared moments in their relationship that made them go, "Oh shit, I think I might be the problem."
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In the spirit of that self awareness, here are a few more stories:
1."I finally figured out I had a pattern of taking in the broken people to fix them up. Lovers, friends, and even hiring employees. It was weird of me to play therapist, and I had to look at myself and admit that just because I am into self-help and doing my inner work it doesn’t mean I can do that for other people (and most just aren’t interested in doing it anyway but will gladly take advantage of you). Once I did that, I started attracting healthier (mentally and emotionally) people into my experience, and I’m no longer exhausted by the people in my social circle. You can only fix yourself, boo."
2."When I didn’t set proper boundaries and the person continued to push and push until I was drained. At that point, I had no one to blame but myself for being taken advantage of."
3."I met this perfect guy in college. He was done with university and had a good career and house. I was just starting college and was too immature to take relationships seriously. If he came along, like, two years later, I'd probably be married to him. I was too young and didn't know better."
4."I had a volatile relationship (not physical or abusive). Years after breaking up, we got back in touch. I realized that at least I was emotionally immature, and neither of us knew how to fight fair, to listen instead of just responding, to get on the same wavelength so we can understand each other. We have both done a lot of introspection and improvement, and he is one of my best friends now, and I don't see us ever having another full-blown fight."
5."I am an only child and come from a privileged family. I didn’t have to work to pay for college. My college boyfriend came from a similar background and spoiled me crazy. Not just the money stuff, but he was very attentive and thoughtful, too. He never let me pick up my own plate or carry my own groceries. He would do everything for me. We broke up after graduation. Since then, I haven’t had a successful relationship. I always expect my partners to be at my beck and call without realizing that they might have work-related constraints. I myself work, too, but expecting too much from my partners has ruined all my relationships."
—RM
6."When he broke down crying in front of me because he felt like I didn’t trust him, wasn’t opening up to him, was afraid of him (abandonment issues, not genuine fear of him), etc. — this was barely more than a year into our relationship. My depression and anxiety were horrible, and I was denying how much worse they’d gotten over the winter. I realized I really was the 'problem,' and within a month, I was in therapy for the first time in a decade because I wanted to be healthier. I am still with him nearly two years later, and we are doing very well."
7."When I realized I started fights and became toxic when things were going good and they were peaceful. I grew up in a very messed up environment, and it was chaotic all the way well into my 20s. When there were good times, I’d make sure to sabotage it. I didn’t realize I craved chaos and toxicity until after I became a mom and realized I never wanna live like I was again. All I think about is peace now."
8."When he told me how he felt, how I made him feel. He’s not a person to express his feelings until he texted me that he wasn't happy."
9."When I realized that I didn't have many hobbies, I didn't know how to have 'me time.' It was just him in my mind. I didn't know how to split between two things."
10."About a year after I left. The age gap itself wasn’t inappropriate, but our maturity levels were so different. I was both too mature and too immature. I was heartbroken over my first ex, and I was using this relationship as a Band-Aid for my pain. Honestly, I wish I had never asked them out and just stayed friends with them because they’re a sweet person, and I regret that so much. I mourn the loss of the amazing friendship I could’ve had A LOT. To me, friendships are SUPER important to me, and the fact is, I wish I would’ve listened to my gut telling me it was a bad idea. I’ve been in therapy for years, and I’ve learned a lot, and I'm trying to be more aware of my own feelings and not use relationships as Band-Aids and validation. That’s why I decided to take about almost two YEARS before I jumped back into the dating game after my last girlfriend broke my heart."
11."When I realized I was doing the same things that I hated when they happened to me."
12."I’ve realized that my relationship last year failed because of me. I don’t have a lot of friends, so I latch onto people quickly and expect a lot from them. Since he was the only person I had to hang out with, I created high expectations of these times in my head, so when plans changed or he was busy, I got disproportionally upset."
13."I changed myself in order to please him. It blew up in my face when I could no longer keep pretending."
14."When we broke up. I kept certain small things that bothered me to myself, all because I was afraid that any boundary I set would result in him leaving me. The small things snowballed into big things, and it led to an explosion on my end. I regret how I navigated our relationship so deeply. He was so lovely and deserved better."
