16 Shocking Red Flags From Marriage Counselors/Couples Therapists That Prove Some Relationships Aren't Meant To Be
Reddit user u/Gnerdy asked the marriage counselors/couples therapists of the Reddit community: "Couples therapists, without breaking confidentiality, what are some relationships that instantly set off red flags?"
They revealed some shocking but quite informative warning signs, further proving that all relationships just aren't meant to be.
So, here are some red flags that indicate a bad relationship (straight from marriage counselors/couples therapists themselves):
Note: Some submissions include topics of verbal and physical abuse. Please proceed with caution.
Note: Some submissions were pulled from this Reddit thread by user u/Zorra_.
1."Therapist here who has served couples. The number one problem I see is an overactive threat response, which creates anger and rigidity. People don’t stop to turn down their defense mode, and lose sight of love because all of their energy is going toward being right or controlling the outcome. Of course, that control comes from a place of fear, but fear and vulnerability feels too dangerous, so it typically gets expressed as anger, frustration, or rigidity."
2."One partner saying they’re seeking your services to help them determine if they want to stay together, and the other partner saying they’re seeking your services to make it so they do stay together. Then it’s about highlighting the points and allowing the person who is on the fence to decide what they want, since the other person knows..."
3."Overbearing parents and in-laws. I understand there's a ton of cultural nuance here, and I work with couples who have arranged marriages. However, when a spouse is more allied with their parents and calls them on speakerphone for fights, or often speaks ill of their partner to their parents, I usually see these couples stay unhappily married for years. It's sad."
4."If someone discourages you from spending time with friends, family, or other loved ones, or if someone rewards you for not seeing or talking to loved ones, that's a red flag. Isolation is a common tactic of abusive individuals. More generally, be aware of anyone who tries to control where you go, who you see, or what you do. A relationship that is built on trust and mutual respect won't include restricting one another."
5."Relationship therapist here. One of the biggest red flags I see when working with a new couple is when they've totally forgotten the good. Part of relationship therapy is reconnecting a couple with what they like about each other, what initially attracted them to each other, and what the positives are between them. When people come in and they've been so unhappy for so long that they actually can't remember what it was like to be in love, or to even like each other, they're just about hopeless. You don't have to be happy for therapy to work — but if you can't even reminisce about the good times, then the good times are probably over."
6."When one person is entirely dependent on the other, especially at a relatively young age — I mean financially and emotionally. These are typically young women (sometimes young men as well) who do not work, do not have children, stay home all day, and have no friends or hobbies outside of hanging out with their spouse. It's very unhealthy, and a huge red flag. It always ends in a painful and messy breakup. Generally, we try to get them to find a friend, join a community, get a job, or volunteer — something to provide them with self-worth and personal fulfillment outside of their spouse."
7."I saw a couple who was doing 'retaliatory' cheating and telling each other about it. When they got through their anger, they decided to call a truce and made peace. With their level of emotional maturity, I doubt it lasted. I don't know if I helped them or prolonged their suffering — it was their decision to come to counseling, so I think it was the help they wanted. Other clients realize what they really want is 'divorce counseling' (a la, what's the best way to behave civilly and minimize damage to the kids while we go our separate ways?)."
8."My grand-aunt was a couples therapist for many, many years (she's my relationship sage). One of the red flags she told me is: spouses who don't sleep together without a justifiable reason. As in, not due to work conflicts or medical reasons, but because one spouse just doesn't feel like going to bed alongside the other. Lack of intimacy (both sexual and non-sexual) will lead to the two drifting apart."
9."I'm an MFT (marriage and family therapist), and for me, an unofficial litmus test is when I ask at some point in the first few sessions how the couple met. If there's no positive affect from either person, no one even cracks a smile, or they just give me a single-sentence answer ('we met at a party'), that's usually a signal they've been unhappy for so long. Or, the conflict is so overwhelming that they can't access those good, warm, fuzzy feelings from the beginning. I partly wanted to do this job because I'm a romantic at heart and love hearing real love stories, and for the most part, hearing about their first few months together is a fun and illuminating part of therapy. Only a few times have I seen the flat or no affect couples, and it breaks my heart every time."
"I remember learning in grad school that most couples who come for therapy have lived unhappily for an average of seven years before trying to get help. They come for that first session, and if they aren't 'cured' after that, most think that therapy doesn't work and won't come back.
To anyone who may be considering individual or couples therapy as a result of this thread: Go for it. Just be prepared for it to take some time and energy from you and your therapist."
10."In my experience as a therapist, strong and healthy relationships are built on two very important qualities: trust and respect. Love is not included in these qualities because love is not a determiner of a strong and healthy relationship. Without respect and trust, most relationships are doomed to struggle or fail. For the couples who I've worked with, I always assess whether or not trust and respect is present (and then build treatment goals to see if it's possible to develop those qualities). If they are not willing or able, then in most cases, those relationships are likely to end."
11."Sexual boundaries — one litmus test: Does this person ascribe to the following definition of sexual consent? An ongoing, affirmative agreement between two or more people who are sober, cognitively and legally able to provide consent, and under no duress, explicit or implicit. That agreement is to engage in specific actions and is specific to that time and place."
"If someone wants to do something different or additional, it requires obtaining consent for the change or addition. Explicit duress is something like: 'Do this, or I'll kill you,' whereas implicit duress is something like: 'If you don't do what I want, you'll get a bad grade/job review/kicked out of your residence, etc..'"
12."Triangulation of the kids. Oftentimes, kids will show symptoms because they're subconsciously trying to even out the imbalance between the parents, so I will see a family for therapy and immediately recognize that the issue is not so much with the kids but the way the parents communicate. Helping them structure themselves and get the power back into their hands by getting them on the same page often helps the kids adjust and cope. Imagine getting inconsistent consequences from your parents all the time — you don't know when you'll get in trouble and when you won't."
"You'd get hyper-vigilant, or you'd just give up and start doing things your way. Either way, you're trying to understand a situation that you can't control, so of course, you're going to start acting weird or misbehave.
Now imagine if your parents set consistent rules for you and gave you the choice to behave or misbehave and receive a predictable, reasonable consequence. You're going to know where you stand, and be less anxious because you feel in control."
13."One of the biggest red flags I look for is metaconversation. An example: Partner one is mad that partner two doesn't help out at home more. There are always two levels of communication: One is the direct-message intended (please clean up the dishes), and the second is communication about the communication ('I expect you to do what I ask'). When communication about the communication turns meta, the message gets muddled and a power struggle erupts from misunderstandings. Tone, body language, and the way one responds to the request all become the focal point."
"If the arguments don't fall into meta arguments, then that's a sign the couple has a strong foundation. The work is usually about exploring expectations of the relationship or readjusting roles. If they fall into meta arguments, it's a sign the couple needs to build up their foundation (which will likely lead them to be able to adjust the roles themselves once that happens).
Two different approaches, same base issue at hand."
14."As a clinical psychologist, I focused mainly on behavioral medicine and cognitive assessment but did my fair share of couples work. Refusal or inability to compromise is a ginormous red flag — one that, I believe, is empirically validated. Compromise is a significant predictor of satisfaction in relationships, and it plays an important role in the long-term success of marriages and relationships in general."
15."As a therapist, it’s not my place to try to get couples to reunify. That takes their power away and gives it to me (instead of teaching them skills to make their own informed decision). That being said, whenever one half of the couple comes in and says they’re there because their spouse made them come, it’s pretty rare that they decide to stay together."
16.And finally: "If either partner rolls their eyes when the other is talking or sharing. It's quick to notice and shows a lack of respect for the other partner's feelings. It's one of the easiest and most reliable ways to see that a relationship won't last. Of course, it is a sign of an unhealthy, underlying dynamic — eye-rolling in itself is not dangerous."
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.
