156 Twitter Jokes From This Year So Far That, No Offense, Are Funnier Than Any Joke You've Probably Ever Told
Someway, somehow, it's already May, and summer is just mere weeks away!!! This year has flown by, and there have been SO many hilarious gems from Twitter this year already. Here are some tweets that will have you laughing for the rest of the year:
And follow the accounts that made you laugh so your Twitter feed is that much better!
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posting on instagram stories is so fucking weird until you have a crush and then it becomes Your Life’s Work
3.
i dont use ‘crush’ anymore i call it a passion project
4.
I just got asked to explain a gap in my resume from September 17 to October 4….like I don’t know I was just breathing for a quick second
5.
an exchange between me and my boss
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Gonna move to ny get a barista job and a dog walking job and struggle to survive while I live with someone named after an inanimate object and get cancelled for being emotionally abusive after asking them to clean to get the full experience.
8.
my god..
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my mom finally figured out what the grammys are
11.
11am is an insane time for breakfast to stop being served. You want me to eat a McDouble at 11am??????
12.
(about to invent gargoyles) babe the cathedral looks great. how can we get a little fucking freak on the roof.
13.
(At family dinner) So how’s everyone enjoying our last name
14.
we are having hibachi tonight baby
15.
literally cannot forget this girl I went to school with whose instagram bio was “Cincinnati ✈️ Northern Kentucky” What was the airplane for queen
16.
Just filled up my tank and I’ve actually decided to put my car in neutral, open the door and use my feet like the flinstones
17.
Just saw someone say they got the ick from the way their bfs body flailed around when they got in a car crash
18.
high school was dark times, my mom paid $60 for me to take the SAT and get a 800
19.
boyfriends take pictures of you like you did something awful to them
20.
i love a short man, like yessss take up less space on earth you feminist king
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My lawyer just said the DA was “mansplaining” to her im going to jail dawg
23.
Called my landlord bc I smelled gas and he came over and turned my stovetop burner off
24.
*youth pastor voice* hey, you know who else has a “praise kink”?
25.
Today my doctor said “you look extra pale, have you been feeling okay?” and I responded “this is just how I look in January” and she wrote that down.
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my homie told this girl at the bar he “travels for work” bro works at domino’s 😭
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I accidentally said “big” instead of “grande” while at starbucks n they took me behind the store n shot me in the leg
30.
Maybe i did audibly moan that one time when the coochie waxing lady put the warm wax on my bootyhole cuz now she always says “Ok heres your favorite part”.
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a sex tape wont humiliate me u gone have to find footage of me missing a bus
33.
Duolingo watching me do the wordle every day
34.
me: I'm quitting, here's my badge and gunzookeeper: your what
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Selling my degree. Still in good condition.Never been used.
37.
he can’t be serious
38.
mfs in new york be like “i take the train to school” ight harry potter
39.
Lady walked into the Jamaican spot and asked if they had beyond meat . If you had just heard how the woman behind the counter sucked her teeth lmaoooo
40.
I always love when people find out I’m not reserved & quiet at all but an actual nut case.
41.
When the Jehovah witness come knocking on my door
42.
Why do kids cough like that? Tongue out, mouth wide open with not a hand in sight 😭
43.
love watching those lil text dots pop up and disappear in iMessage like yeah baby brainstorm before you speak to me
44.
im still tryna find out who her plug is
45.
me when i open the google doc and my editor is in there making changes
46.
Met an old guy with no bank account. When I asked him why he didn't have one he said "I just never got into that shit"
47.
The era where you dropped ya phone and ya battery flew out was just crazy.
48.
if u think u going to hell just know that one time i went to church, stood at the alter and lied to everyone saying i had a dream that i went to hell and seen most of them there
49.
“She looks like Lisa Bonet” - my dad’s only comment after the batman
50.
my red flag is that i do judge books by their covers and i won’t read one if it’s ugly
51.
my bank blocked my card because of a security threat. it was me, buying a mattress, at 2 am. i am my own biggest threat
52.
ten years before i knew I had ADHD i took adderall at a music festival. my friends were all jacked up and dancing but I was like “it’s suddenly manageable for me to sit calmly under this tree and reply to some text messages”
53.
lawyers be like "we will take the 40 years" BRO WHO IS WE???
54.
catholic school be like "no long hair for boys" meanwhile there is a picture of a boy with long hair for boys in every classroom. And hes like the main boy
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We used to pay real money for ringtones and now if my phone makes a noise it ruins my day
57.
smelling weed in public for me is like smelling the lil baked pie on the windowsill in cartoons i can’t lie
58.
My husband just called and the first thing he said was “YOU ARE ON SPEAKER.” 5 times 😭😭😭
59.
If Don’t Look Up wins best screenplay I will personally go out of my way to contribute to global warming.
60.
If I was dating the tinder swindler and he texted me saying someone was after him I’d just get the ick
61.
I love that hello kitty has branded products in literally anything. Like wtf do I have the option to have hello kitty pasta
62.
SVU is like "this episode does not depict any actual person or event -- anyway here's tragic young pageant star Jondalay Ramby"
63.
When you tryna sleep with the tv on & the tv get interesting
64.
at mcdonald's ordering the little fucking freak meal
65.
why ppl named “deborah” always go by “deb” and never “bruh”
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I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
68.
can’t grocery shop two days before going out of town - legally have to eat weird and bad meals
69.
me watching the fork i put in the microwave
70.
i check her phone everyday to make sure she not texting pete davidson
71.
"your alarm is set for 2 hours and 43 minutes from now"
72.
This one of them things you take with you to the grave lmfaooooo this is outlandish
73.
have snoop and martha ever like… almost? like there was a tension in the air, both of them felt it, but neither of them knew if it was the right move so they just said… goodnight? but both fell asleep staring at the ceiling thinking… “woah”
74.
me: i saw a ratchuck e. cheese employee: are u serious whereme: [terrified] it’s really fucking big man
75.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
76.
*throws up after drinking 10 mimosas* omg random I hope I’m not pregnant
77.
writers love saying things like "he had a toothy grin" what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. "he walked feetily into the kitchen" that's how you sound
78.
dick van dyke is a crazyyy name like
79.
"What percent you on?" First of all this my charger
80.
my mom is always like “I’d still love you if you MURDERED someone” and it’s like ok is that a dare
81.
if i ask you to take pics of me and you start tilting the camera just hand me my phone back
82.
tomato’s ain’t hard enough.. BOOOO 🧱🧱🧱🧱🧱🧱🧱🧱🧱🧱🧱🧱🧱🧱🧱
83.
Just found out Jesus is a nepo baby
84.
sometimes i talk to myself and we both laugh
85.
“can you explain this gap on ur resume” it was then that Jesus carried me
86.
you'd do well on 2014 tumblr (derogatory)
87.
i’d b a terrible therapist cause i’d want u to show me a pic of the guy u keep crying about
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the word "ew" coming out of a pretty girl's mouth holds so much power... it could tear apart nations i think
90.
if I’m still single next year I’m applying for love is blind
91.
Foreplay is just bullying a horny person
92.
hateful ass fish
93.
always feel like everyone else at the grocery store is doing a better job at grocery shopping than me
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I asked the produce guy if I could try a grape and he said he wouldn’t care if I lit the store on fire with him in it
96.
“I’m free February 14th” well duh you tweet about tv and films daily
97.
“euphoria day!!” there used to be a time were sundays were for GOD
98.
had such a tough day at work today
99.
i get so annoyed whenever ppl call kids evil but then i remember when i was 8 and had recently seen mean girls for the first time, and i got yelled at by my mother so i wrote “slut” on a scrap of paper then left it on her bed for her to find. so ig i’ll let y’all have it
100.
Lord this job I prayed and begged you for, I’m bout to quit it.
101.
how do people live in LA? aren't you worried about running into james corden
102.
are u serious or are u being camp rn
103.
FaceTimed her and someone in the back said “ew that’s him?”
104.
Told a guy I had body dysmorphia and he said “I love sci fi”
105.
girls will be like, “i love a man with style” and it will be avoidant attachment style
106.
why do children drink like they’ve been fasting for 40 days and 40 nights?? gasping for air and everything
107.
i don’t irish exit, i american withdraw (make a big show about leaving and then linger indefinitely)
108.
Goddamn it
109.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
110.
i’m never “coming out” to anyone ever again. if you can’t tell i’m a little gay then that’s on you
111.
at the end of the day, it’s night
112.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
113.
“WyD oN vALenTiNeS dAy” going to work its a Monday lmaoo
114.
icarly was right when she said live life, breathe air, somehow we’re gonna get there
115.
Caught omicron from my therapist. Never thought my first breakthrough would be Covid.
116.
Running towards the bus before it left was one of the most embarrassing things ever
117.
At least 4 of my pill bottles say “may cause dizziness” so before you’re mean to me online consider that I might be the dizziest bitch in the world ok
118.
Y’all be arguing on the same app I watch porn on
119.
Apartments will show you 44 pics of the lobby. Bitch I ain’t living in there.
120.
since y’all so free feb 14 go see a therapist
121.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your email. It is Saturday and you shouldn’t have sent it.
122.
This man looked at my “444” necklace and goes “Wendys. Nice” FUCK
123.
me when I’m 75: is he in our grade
124.
Tracking number isn’t enough, I need to be on the delivery drivers private story.
125.
College was so fun because everyone was so supportive of whatever lie you were telling about yourself
126.
Omg…what
127.
gay people can never say they liked a song, it’s always “she built a reservoir in the mother lake and funneled the water directly into the recording studio”
128.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
129.
guys I cancelled my netflix subscription im so excited to finally own a house who knew it was this easy 🥰
130.
don’t bite the hand that fingers u or however it goes
131.
the vibrator died while Brian and I were fucking and this mf said “and now it’s time for the acoustic set” 💀💀
132.
Waitress said “wow” after I ordered
133.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resumeme: yes that's when i didn't have a job
134.
big news, my bodega guy promoted me from “boss” to “my brother”
135.
“who hurt you?” me bro i overthink.
136.
She let me hit cus I have an inherent sense of wonder
137.
[watching porn] I hope they stay together
138.
yall will be like “idk why i’ve been so unproductive recently” and then someone asks whats going on in ur life and u list four lifestopping crisies and then say “yeah but it should be fine! :)”
139.
oh ur in her dms?? 🤨🤨 well shes doing her british accent in front of me
140.
“i was bullied by everyone in school” well were you being weird
141.
The little red balls in front of Target came loose and started rolling towards me and my family. Luckily I had a gun
142.
dogs be walkin under ur feet Iike they’re tryin to collect workers comp
143.
one time in college i was so mad a guy rejected me i updated my facebook status to "who even really cares" and it wasn't until a week later i realized i posted that on the anniversary of 9/11
144.
Not having had covid yet is starting to feel like a new type of virginity
145.
Disney made turning 16 such a big deal I turned 16 and my life went to shit
146.
Once a toddler learns “Why?” It’s all over
147.
My cousin caught her dude cheating, she put her iPhone in his car and did “ find iPhone” on her sons iPad and found the girls address. My granny said “you doing all this detective work, imagine if you went to college and applied yourself ..” 😭😭😭😭
148.
me at any house party: 💃🏾 how much is ur rent ?????
149.
if sea turtles tried paper straws they would understand
150.
I told my 6 yo we were having sandwiches for dinner. He told me he did too much homework to be eating a sandwich for dinner. 💀💀💀🤣🤣😂
151.
Hinge will be like “we think you’re compatible with someone that is ugly”
152.
dudes are like "hey i have a girlfriend now so i can't talk to you beyond fire reacting every one of your stories"
153.
I'm not downloading no new apps, if Twitter and tik tok dies that's it I'm fucking free
154.
therapy is not enough. i need to fight my dad
155.
this man jus promised me the world so idk where y’all gon live but it’s not here
156.
I’ve got to think of a way to get off this planet by tomorrow
