15 Times When Scheduled Sex Brought Couples Closer Together Or Drove Them Apart
Recently Reddit user Legitimate-Bet4212 asked the community, "Couples who have scheduled sex, how has it been going?"
Folks didn't hold anything back, and revealed how scheduled sex either totally spiced up their romantic lives or made them bland as heck.
So, here's what scheduled sex is truly like for couples out there:
Note: These submissions don't reflect a universal experience of sex. Everyone's story is different.
1."In my case, we started scheduling things because my partner started anti-depressants that killed their sex drive. They had a higher sex drive than I did, so in theory, I was okay with letting things slow down a bit, but I'm really glad we started scheduling things during that period. The problem became when I would have a rough week and didn't feel up for sex, it being scheduled suddenly had a lot of pressure. I felt guilty that I wasn't able to provide what they wanted from me, and since it was scheduled, it felt like I had promised sex and was backing out of that promise."
"So it became 'date night' instead. We'd do something intimate together, and if it was a bad week then maybe we'd just cuddle up on the couch and watch something funny.
I still felt guilty, but every time I showed that they did nothing but enthusiastically reassure me, and over time, that guilt shrank. It became easier to actually progress to sex even if I had a bad week. Sometimes, we'd just focus on me for that round."
2."It started out as a joke, actually. We both have Wednesdays off from work. We have the house to ourselves while the kids are at school and found ourselves fooling around during that time a couple of weeks in a row. Then one week, I was like, 'Well, it IS Wednesday, you know what that means.' Just kinda joking (unless you’re going to do it 😉), and she was like, 'It is!' And we got into it. Now, every week, sometimes I’ll say it, sometimes she will say, 'Well, it IS Wednesday, so.' It’s not exactly every single Wednesday, but it’s almost every Wednesday with plenty of other days in between. We have a healthy three times a week habit after 18 years (today is Wednesday! I gotta go, guys)."
3."I suppose, depending on your relationship, it can be more like scheduling a massage or having a dinner reservation. The resistance to scheduling intimacy probably stems from the 'transactional' aspect already typically associated with sex, like 'giving sex' to someone instead of being intimate with them. Add to that the number of people who can only have, or only enjoy, sex if 'they are in the mood.' Otherwise, it's forcing it, and scheduling can be viewed as both a mood killer and a chore."
4."We did it for about a year, but we have mismatched libidos. She began to feel that it was an obligation/chore rather than an activity she looked forward to. Putting it more than a week away didn’t work either. We’re considering trying it again. It’s been a few years, the kid is older and not so dependent, and we have a more routine schedule now."
5."We had scheduled sex while trying for kids, and the pressure to finish was distinctly unpleasant. And although I wouldn’t exactly call the whole thing a chore, the scheduled sessions were definitely more of a 'let’s get this done.' It also meant I concentrated less on her, so I made sure I finished, which couldn’t have been as good for her either."
"As someone who went through IVF with my wife, I feel you. We still have some scheduled sex now, but it’s waaayyy different than the scheduled/timed sex of our IVF days (because this sex is being scheduled for fun rather than for a result on a timeline).
There is no pressure now. I’m in my mid-forties, and sometimes things don’t biologically work as well as they did 10 years ago. And you know what? It’s not a big deal because there’s no pressure to perform. We can just switch to other forms of sexual intimacy without worrying about blowing the chance to make a baby."
6."We're married with three kids who all play different sports and activities. It's not so much scheduled as a look. Like, we have 30 minutes, so GO, GO, GO! It's like a Zero Dark Thirty Seal Team Six operation."
7."We have unscheduled sex as well, but we do try to have 'Freaky Fridays' (and 'Sexy Saturdays' if 'Freaky Fridays' don't work out). There is usually a date involved as well, but sometimes those dates are take-out and watching Netflix. The idea isn't so much that it's just sex but sex with toys, lingerie, or role-playing on those days. We got a little one, so it's hard to do the involved stuff during the week."
8."I used to think scheduling sex would be really rigid and/or make it feel transactional. The opposite has been true. One of us will ask earlier in the day or the next day. It's great — the anticipation adds to it being hot rather than ruining it, and we are able to make it a priority."
9."It's the energy you bring with you to it. We work and have kids and a billion kid activities we're always shuttling to and from, so we have to schedule sex. But for us, it's something to look forward to. So we usually start sexting earlier that day, we'll send sexy photos, or I'll wear a choker or something risqué that I know he likes. You can use the scheduling to build anticipation and foreplay."
10."Early in our relationship, we had some difficulties communicating about sex, and we sent each other mixed signals. After some discussion, we made the decision to pick three days each week for sex and then to follow through and actually have sex on those days. We started this before we had kids, and it's been a constant part of our weekly routine for 30-plus years. And, to be frank, it has been fantastic! We gave up our sexual spontaneity, but we are remarkably consistent and happier for that. We've also avoided the ambiguity, anxiety, risk of rejection, and the inevitable hurt feelings that come with making a pass at your partner and being turned down for one reason or another. Scheduling sex probably isn't a good fit for every couple, but it has been working great for us."
11."I just had this discussion with my wife, and we agreed to try and have sex every night this summer (maybe skipping a day here and there). I can't believe she agreed to it. I'm very excited! We've been married for 20 years and have kids — things have been great lately!"
12."Scheduled sex just turned into scheduled rejection. 'Wednesdays and Saturdays, I'll turn you down; the rest of the week, you just aren't allowed to ask.' It didn't take more than a few weeks of that for it just to fade out altogether."
13."It gives you something to look forward to for hours or sometimes days. You come to bed freshly showered, not tired or tipsy, and sex is...well...pretty great."
14."My ex and I scheduled sex and it was a nightmare because it became something expected. And, when it didn’t happen, we both felt frustrated, disappointed, or unloved. Someone else mentioned that they scheduled 'cuddle and talk' time and that usually led to sex, and…I really love that idea, too."
15.And finally, "She'd text me in the morning (usually she was horny after we dropped the kids at school and started the work day). 'If we are both awake later, I have been craving you' or something like that. Then, during the day, she may tell me a bit of what she wants later, 'Eat my thighs slowly before you take me.' I was hyped all day. It would suck when the day's worth of stress, tasks, and traumas meant a rain check. Still, she loved that I was cool with cuddling and watching TV together because then she'd feel safer, and often, the next day, we would have sex. It changed when life got busier, we had less of it, with less frequency and shorter durations, but it was somehow hotter because we were so in need of that. It probably helped that we both loved each other and loved sex."
Note: Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
