15 Sex Dreams‘ Meanings, According to Dream Experts

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So you just had a few sex dreams that left you waking up in a night sweat—the good kind. And now that you’re awake, you have serious questions. You may be wondering why on earth your steamy dream involved an old flame you haven’t thought about in years or why you were sharing a bed with someone you aren’t sexually attracted to in real life.

Before you start jumping to conclusions (or reaching for your best sex toys), know that sexual dreams aren’t always literal. “Dreams speak in a symbolic language, not a literal language,” says Lauri Loewenberg, a certified dream analyst. “Sex in a dream is not about the physical act of merging two bodies but more about the psychological act of merging two minds or merging a quality or behavior of your dream partner into your self.” (Though sometimes sex dreams are literally about how to orgasm more. “If your bedroom activity is dead, and you are frustrated with that fact, you may find yourself having lots of sex dreams,” Loewenberg says.)

While sex dreams are more commonly thought of as something that happens during adolescence, they can happen at any age. According to Ashleigh Sacks, a psychologist and dream interpretation expert at Just Answer, that’s especially the case among people who are still defining their sexual identity, preferences, and interests. “Sex doesn’t just refer to or highlight a person’s physical pleasures,” she explains. “It often represents qualities that a person wants in their lives, ways they want to feel and things they want to accomplish.” It can also point toward a desire for some kind of connection. For instance, some Christians believe that the biblical meaning of having a sex dream is a desire for a spiritual connection.

Most sex dreams require a little deciphering. Loewenberg’s advice when it comes to approaching any type of sex dream is to ask yourself these questions: Have you recently connected with this person on some level in real life? Do you need to find common ground or a meeting of the minds with this person? Is there something about this person’s behavior, skills, or life that you desire for yourself right now? “These questions should guide you toward the reason why you had a sex dream about that particular individual,” she says.

If you're wondering how to have a sex dream, the bad news is most people can't really choose what they're going to dream about. But that doesn't mean you can't put yourself in a turned-on state of mind before bed. “While there may not be definitive evidence that we can make ourselves have a sex dream, some folks find that viewing erotic content or thinking about erotic activities before sleep may evoke dreams that are sexual in nature,” shares Elyssa Helfer, an AASECT-certified sex therapist and the founder of the Center for Relational Therapy. She also notes that some people can lucid dream, which occurs when a person becomes aware that they are dreaming while they are in said dream. Helfer, who also holds a doctorate in cllinical sexology, says that in some cases, the dreamer might be able to shift the dream content toward sex.

Sex dreams tend to follow common themes—from hooking up with an ex to having an orgy—and each one can trigger questions. So we asked the dream analysis and mental health professionals to take us through the scenarios most likely to show up in your subconscious and explain what some common sex dreams might mean. What do sex dreams mean spiritually and literally? Find out.

Sex with an ex

This one might leave you waking up in a panic depending on how things ended with said ex. Sure, you might just miss that person (or the good sex), but dreaming about an ex-partner does not necessarily mean you want to get back together—especially if you’re well into a new relationship. Loewenberg says dreams like this could be stemming from similarities between your past and current relationship. “A lot of us tend to keep going for the same type of person,” she says. “These dreams are helping you determine if this ‘type’ is good for you or not.”

Cue a sigh of relief. So this doesn’t mean you should ring up your ex out of the blue and confess that your burning passion still lingers or ask if they’re up for a reunion romp. More pressing is the opportunity to take a deep dive within.

Sex with a friend

So you’ve had an amazing conversation with your bestie and then suddenly they have a starring role in your wet dream. Sexual acts in a dream with someone you know can be particularly mind-boggling for a lot of reasons: Maybe you’ve never thought of them that way before in real life, or maybe said friend isn’t even the gender that you’re typically attracted to.

In dreamland, none of that matters. “A sex dream can come on the heels of having connected with someone on some level emotionally or psychologically,” says Loewenberg. Your dream isn’t necessarily unleashing a hidden desire for sexy time with your friend—it’s more likely this is your mind’s way of processing the intimacy of your relationship and reflecting it back.

Sex with a coworker

If you find yourself dreaming of wild sexual activity with a coworker you’ve always admired but don’t find in the least attractive, it doesn’t mean you’re subconsciously smitten. Remember, a lot of the time sex dreams are “more about a psychological connection you need rather than a physical connection you want,” says Loewenberg. In other words, the sex dream meaning could be more about desiring a quality or personality trait that the coworker has, like their stellar work ethic, she says. So instead of an indecent proposal, suggest coffee.

Sex with multiple people at once

“A threesome or an orgy can mean you have too many things going on in your life or in your mind and you need to focus on one thing at a time,” says Loewenberg. It makes sense—if you’re feeling particularly anxious before heading to sleep, you can start to feel like your stress is taking up way too much space in the room. When you sleep—especially when you get to REM sleep—the anxiety over multiple obligations can be suddenly transformed into sexy strangers eager for a ménage à trois.

Sex with your boss

As we’ve said before, dreaming of having sex with your boss doesn’t mean you’re attracted to them (though it can!). Rather, says Sacks, it could mean you’re vying for their role. “Sex often shows where someone’s desires are focused,” she explains. “There’s an attraction to being in control, not having to take orders from superiors, and owning one’s time. Often, those that have leadership qualities see themselves having sex with their boss in their dreams because they are highly attracted to the qualities that the boss represents, including power, financial well-being, reaching the height of one’s profession, or having skills to manage and control people in order to empower one’s business and financial stability.”

Sacks says if you’ve caught yourself having a questionable dream about your boss more often than not, it can signal that you're ready for a greater challenge and are seeking independence or free rein. Or, it could mean that your sexual fantasies revolve around being in a subordinate position. You’ll have to look within to decide what makes the most sense for you.

Sex with someone other than your partner

When you’re partnered up, it can be pretty alarming to realize that the sex dream that gave you a sleep orgasm was not with your significant other. You might wake up feeling aroused—and guilty. But cheating dreams don’t automatically mean you’re unsatisfied with the relationship. “When you dream of cheating, it often means you have allowed something to become a third wheel in your relationship,” says Loewenberg. It could be a work obligation or a new side hustle—not necessarily a new love interest.

Loewenberg does add, however, that if your sex dreams involve someone who isn’t your partner but is someone whom you’re definitely attracted to, it could be a red flag that you’re subconsciously looking elsewhere for something missing in your relationship.

Sex between your partner and someone else

But what about if you dream about your partner cheating on you? “The same is true if you dream your partner is cheating on you,” says Loewenberg. “It can mean he or she is the one giving too much of their time and attention to something else causing you to feel ‘cheated.’” This calls for a conversation, not a hasty breakup in the twilight hours.

Having BDSM sex

Dream sexuality comes from the subconscious area of your brain—so if you’re having steamy, kinky sex, Sacks suggests it may mean your inner self is looking for a way to experiment and explore within your relationship.

“A person who likes to be controlling in business or other aspects of their life may desire to be controlled and pushed around by someone dominating their every move and sexual satisfaction,” says Sacks. “Even a person that is timid may prefer being at the complete mercy of their partner as this reminds them of a role they used to play, are currently playing, or would like to play out in a sexual experience.”

Having oral sex

This one’s very literal. If you find yourself receiving oral sex or giving oral sex to someone you just had a heart-to-heart with, that often is “symbolic of intimate conversation in real life because the mouth is doing the work,” says Loewenberg.

Sex with a celebrity

Celebrity crushes are common, but what does it mean when they manifest in your steamy dreams? According to Sacks, you could just simply think the person is hot and want to be swept up in their world. “This dream allows the dreamer to consider who they would be if they were spending all their time in a celebrity lifestyle and replicating the qualities, personalities, and lifestyles of the rich and the famous,” Sacks says.

So if you’re dreaming about how nice it is to have sex with a famous person in a five-star hotel, chances are you’re attracted to not only them but the lifestyle that comes along with it.

Sex in public

If you find yourself dreaming about having sex in a public place or in other unusual circumstances, some part of you may be craving something new when it comes to your sex life. “Given the influence of novelty and adventure in regard to our sexual desire and arousal, in some cases, our dreams may be the only place where a wider range of exploration can occur, which may be a factor in understanding why some sex dreams can surprise us,” says Helfer.

She also notes that dreams about having sex in public, in a new position, or with someone who falls outside of your identified sexual orientation are “not unusual in any way.”

A sex dream about masturbating

If you've found your favorite sex toy has a starring role in your dream, it could represent a number of things. “Erotic dreams, like dreaming of masturbation, can represent your libido, or other desires like intimacy, adventure, or independence,” says Jean-Baptiste Beau, the founder and CEO of dream analysis app Oniri. If upon waking up you find yourself still ready to go, grab a vibrator and make your dreams come true—literally. If you're not totally comfortable with the idea, check out our article on how to masturbate to get things started.

Sex with a stranger

Dreaming about sex with a hot stranger? According to Beau, this could represent a desire for novelty or excitement in your sex life. But also, the stranger might not really be a stranger. “It's important to note that the characters in your dreams can be interchangeable,” he says. “That means that a sexual interaction you had with a stranger or an ex-partner, for instance, may reflect feelings you have with your current partner.”

Sex with a family member

Well, this one definitely can feel icky. But according to this Reddit thread, it's actually not uncommon. And it doesn't mean you subconsciously want to get intimate with your family member. “Sex with a family member can represent family dynamics and unresolved issues,” says Beau. He also notes that there's no one answer when it comes to dream interpretation, but that dreams can represent “deeper needs, sometimes coming from further away in our past.”

Sex with your partner

Sex dreams starring your current partner are common. In the study about dreams published in Clocks and Sleep, 40% of the participants reported dreaming about their partne,r and about 8% had specifically erotic dreams about their partner. The meaning of this dream might be straightforward: You enjoy having sex with your partner! If the kind of sex you're having in your dream is unlike the sex you and your partner have in your waking life, it may be a sign to try something new. As Helfer points out, novelty plays a significant role in many people's sexual desire. So if you find yourself dreaming about something like having a nipple orgasm, being tied up, or having sex on the balcony of a hotel, consider whether you'd like to try something like this out in real life. It's also worth considering whether you might be in a dry spell that your subconscious mind would like to remedy.

But it's also okay if your dream sex wasn't something you'd like to incorporate into your daily life. Dreams aren't necessarily literal. “It can be easy to get stuck on the specifics of a dream; however, looking at the overarching patterns within the dreams may point us in the direction of where we might want to pursue further exploration,” says Helfer.

Originally Appeared on Glamour