Ted Cruz's 100 Cans Of Chunky Soup And 13 Other Ridiculous Political Moments That STILL Feel Fake
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The US midterm election is next month, which means I, a former politico, am once again being haunted by the Ghost of American Politics Past.
Let me take you on a tour of some of the most hilarious and unhinged moments from the past 15 years of US politics — because I refuse to suffer through these memories alone.
BET / Via media.giphy.com
1.A journalist threw his shoes at George W. Bush's head (2008)
CBS / Via media.giphy.com
If I'm being honest, the entire fever dream that we call George W. Bush's presidency belongs on this list. After all, this is the man who declared "mission accomplished" on a very much unaccomplished mission as if he just finished The Secret and started assembling a presidential vision board. Multiple books cataloged his many George W. Bushisms (my favorite being, "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.").
But the #1 moment that plays on repeat in my brain is when Bush held a press conference in Iraq, and journalist Muntadhar al-Zaidi pitched both of his shoes at Bush's head. Obviously, al-Zaidi's aim was incredible, but I have to begrudgingly hand it to Bush for dodging those shoes like a champ. As for Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki...that was some weak defense, bro.
Watch the whole incident here:
2.Christine O’Donnell's “I’m Not A Witch” ad (2010)
A little background for Gen Z: In response to the Obama presidency, some "freedom-defending," far-right "patriots" put on tricorner hats with tea bags hanging from the rim, grabbed their "No Step On Snek" Gadsden flags, and launched the astroturfed Tea Party movement.
One Tea Party Republican was Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell. In 1999, O'Donnell had gone on Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect and said "I dabbled into witchcraft. I never joined a coven. But I did, I did. I dabbled into witchcraft." Fast forward to 2010, and Christine O'Donnell was running to fill Joe Biden's vacant Senate seat. Cue one of the most unhinged political ads of the modern era, which began with the iconic line, "I'm not a witch. I'm nothing you've heard. I'm you."
Sure, Jan.
Watch the whole ad here:
3.Mitt Romney's "binders full of women" (2012)
One of Mitt Romney's biggest flaws — among many, many others — was the fact that this dude simply could not word things in a normal way. When he ran for president in 2012, his whole "aw shucks" Ned Flanders vibe gave us this iconic moment.
In the Town Hall presidential debate, Romney was asked about how he'd make sure his cabinet would include diversity, and his answer included the phrase "binders full of women." That may seem tame compared to today's political gaffes, but I assure you social media had a field day with this one.
Facebook Memories recently reminded me of this meme, and it STILL makes me laugh.
Watch the whole answer here:
4.Paul Ryan's P90X photoshoot in TIME magazine (2012)
On the day of the 2012 Vice Presidential debate, TIME Magazine gifted the world with an incredible photoshoot of the Republican VP candidate, Paul Ryan, in the middle of a P90X workout. The pictures were an unironic masterpiece — a cautionary tale of what happens when someone skips leg day for their entire life.
P90X's creator, Tony Horton, was a stand-up comedian before his pivot to fitness, and I'm convinced his entire workout empire was one long comedic bit so that one day he could con a weasel of a politician into humiliating himself in a national publication. Excellent work, Tony. (And Netflix, give this man a special immediately!!)
5.Marco Rubio's awkward water sip (2013)
I still remember the visceral discomfort I felt when he delivered the Republican response to Obama's 2013 State of the Union address. In the middle of his speech, Rubio's mouth was dry and he paused to take a sip of water — all while maintaining prolonged eye contact with the camera.
Although the duration of The Sip™️ was no more than five seconds, every viewer lived a thousand lifetimes as those seconds stretched on for what felt like an eternity.
Watch the whole sip here:
6.Ben Carson's campaign didn't know what New England looks like (2015)
As far as unforced political errors go, this is one of my all-time favorites. In 2015, the graphic designer on Ben Carson's presidential campaign went rogue and rearranged the entire Northeast.
Vermont and a large portion of New York state acquired an Atlantic shoreline. Connecticut and Rhode Island replaced New Hampshire and Maine. And Massachusetts, New Hampshire, and Maine acquired dual American-Canadian citizenship. This is the future that liberals want.
Vox hypothesized that Carson's graphic designer most likely "accidentally shifted part of the map using layers in an illustrator tool," which...fine, whatever. Graphic design is not my passion, so I don't know if that explanation makes sense. But I do know that no one on the Carson campaign caught the error before it was shared on social media, and that says a lot about what a Carson presidency would have looked like.
7.Heidi Cruz's story about Ted Cruz buying 100 cans of chunky soup (2016)
Nobody in the year 1813 knew what Jane Austen meant when she opened Pride and Prejudice with the line, "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a Ted Cruz in possession of 100 cans of Campbell's chunky soup, must be in want of a wife." Fast forward to 2016, when Heidi Cruz shared that the first thing her husband, "Zodiac Killer"/Grandpa Munster/Ted Cruz, did after they returned home from their honeymoon was buy "literally 100 cans of Campbell’s Chunky soup."
This revelation was wild, but it wasn't even the first time Ted Cruz was outed as a canned soup aficionado. Previously, Ted Cruz revealed to Us Weekly that "when I’m away from the family, in Washington, D.C., my dinner is a can of soup. I have dozens in the pantry."
There's never been a better argument against an all-soup diet.
8.Jeb Bush begged an audience to "please clap" (2016)
ABC News / Via tenor.com
Jeb Bush's 2016 presidential campaign was sad from the very beginning, starting with his infamous "Jeb!" logo. But things went downhill fast when Bush was delivering his stump speech to potential voters in New Hampshire and begged the silent room to "please clap" after delivering one of the speech's (presumably) more rousing lines. And he was never heard from again.
Jeb! We hardly knew thee (and it was still too long).
Watch the whole cringe-fest here:
9.Gary Johnson's unfathomably weird tongue interview (2016)
Gary Johnson was the Libertarian candidate for president in 2016, and he fit right in with the other weirdos in that uniquely hellish election cycle. But let's give credit where it's due: he was the only candidate brave enough to stick his tongue out, bite it, and continue answering questions during a televised interview with MSNBC's Kasie Hunt.
Ironically, Johnson was answering a question about how if he were allowed on the debate stage, hordes of voters would consider him a serious contender and throw support behind his candidacy. Well, I'm convinced!
Watch the whole exchange here:
10.Hillary Clinton started a new life in the Chappaqua woods (2016)
A mom ran into Hillary Clinton walking her dog in the woods and it made a lot of people happy https://t.co/FD9RCFcW6y
11.@tedcruz liked a porn tweet on 9/11 (2017)
On the 16th anniversary of 9/11, people noticed that Ted Cruz's official Twitter account liked a tweet from @SexuallPosts, which shared a porn clip from Reality Kings dot com. When asked about the incident, Cruz pulled the ol' "it wasn't me, it was an anonymous staffer running my account" routine. But do I believe the Soup King himself would be capable of a real sicko move like this? Maybe! I might believe that!
12.White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer hid in a bush (2017)
Fox Broadcasting Company / Via media.giphy.com
Look, I know. The entire Trump presidency was a string of moments so unhinged that Sean Spicer hiding from the White House press corps in a bush seems downright tame. But the thing you have to realize is this moment was so lowkey in comparison to covfefe and Four Seasons Total Landscaping that it stands out in its banality.
And let's be honest: Who among us hasn't wanted to pull a Homer Simpson at some point and hide from all our problems by becoming one with a hedge?
13.Amy Klobuchar hates Pete Buttigieg with the fire of a thousand suns (2020—present)
one day i hope someone loves me as much as Amy Klobuchar hates Pete Buttigieg
I'm certain* that when Klobuchar gave Buttigieg a tour of the Minnesota State Fair this year, she contemplated poisoning his deep-fried Twinkie before a staffer intervened.
Minnesota State Fair. Amy Klobuchar pictured here with hand in pocket to avoid touching her mortal enemy, Pete Buttigieg. I must respect her endless capacity for thinly veiled disdain. A true Midwestern icon.
14.Dr. Oz's entirely surreal current run for Senate in Pennsylvania (2022)
I'm convinced that every decision made by Dr. Oz's senatorial campaign has been AI-generated, starting with his choice to run for the same government body that investigated him for false advertising in 2014. Other highlights include:
—Oz, a long-time New Jersey resident, moving to Pennsylvania specifically to run for Senate.
—Oz's attempt to relate to PA's hardworking blue-collar voters by filming a 39-second video of his crudités shopping trip at Wegner's.
—The most unforced error in the history of politics: Giving a speech with Matt Gaetz in front of Hitler's car. (Unfortunately, both men failed to ask themselves, "Are we the baddies?")
It's unclear how this campaign will shake out for Oz, but the damage is done. Once you've been publicly linked to Hitler's car, not even the strongest miracle cure on Earth can erase that image from the public consciousness.
In 1790, George Washington wrote that the US government is "the last great experiment" in civil society. But if the past 15 to 232 years have shown us anything, it's that the experiment certainly looks like it's failing — bigly.
PBS Digital Studios / Via media.giphy.com
Nice try, gang. We'll get 'em next democracy!
