13 Perfect Responses to a Narcissist's Texts, According to Psychologists

Beth Ann Mayer
·9 min read
2

Woman looking at her phone and trying to think of a response to a narcissist's text

When some people blow up your phone, your face may light up—a bestie with top-notch memes or that special someone keen to plan the most romantic date nights.

But when a narcissist's name appears on your lock screen, you may immediately cringe instead.

"A narcissist’s text messages or words can be very harmful to the person on the other end," says Dr. Vanessa Kennedy, Ph.D., the director of psychology at Driftwood Recovery. "They may be solely focused on the narcissist’s experience without room for the other person, blame the other person for every conflict or dismiss the other person’s feelings or experience."

Dr. Kennedy says these texts may leave a person feeling dismissed, invalidated, upset and even traumatized. However, she and other psychologists explain that knowing how to respond to a narcissist's texts can help people protect their peace. Lack the emotional bandwidth to craft a reply yourself? Cut and paste these perfect responses to a narcissist's texts provided by mental health experts. 

Related: 11 Manipulation Tactics Narcissists Use—and How To Spot The Earliest Signs, According to Relationship Experts

What Is a Narcissist?

The term is buzzy on social media, but psychologists use the term "narcissist" or "narcissistic" specifically to describe a person who is overly focused on themselves or has an inflated sense of self.

"They tend to be overly centered on their needs, thoughts and feelings," says Dr. Kelsey M. Latimer, Ph.D., CEDS-S, BSN of KML Psychological Services. "At the same time, they may disregard other people's feelings in the process."

Dr. Latimer says the term's buzzworthiness among the lay population has led to its misuse. After all, everyone acts selfishly or centers themselves at times—heck, that can even be a good thing in some situations.

"That does not mean we meet criteria for a clinical disorder," Dr. Latimer says. "The disorder is such that the person acts in an extreme to the extent that it negatively impacts relationships and their lives."

Related: 5 Reasons Why Some People Just Can't Apologize, According to a Therapist—Plus, What They Tend To Say Instead

What Might a Narcissist's Texts Look Like?

Spotting a narcissist's texts is an essential step in knowing how to respond—and considering the source. The texts can take various forms, but Dr. Kennedy says some prime examples include:

"You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met."

It sounds flattering, but Dr. Kennedy says narcissists use their charm to disarm people at first. "Unfortunately, this is self-serving and may be short-lived once the deeper emotional demands of the relationship take too much focus away from the narcissist’s selfish needs," Dr. Kennedy says.

"Why are you making things so hard for me?"

It's a classic narcissist play. "The narcissist is focused on how your feelings are getting in their way or making them suffer," Dr. Kennedy says. "They tend to struggle to admit to what they consider weaknesses or mistakes, which may include the expression of vulnerable emotions."

"You’re being too sensitive.”

Narcissists use this phrase to dismiss recipients. "They may make subtle, passive-aggressive, or outright aggressive insults to make you question yourself," Dr. Kennedy says.

Related: 11 Phrases To Use if Someone Says You're 'Too Sensitive'

13 Phrases To Use To Respond to a Narcissist's Texts, According to Psychologists

1. "I appreciate your perspective and would like to be heard as well."

Dr. Latimer suggests using "I" phrases like this one instead of "you" phrases, which she says can be "blaming and inflaming."

Dr. Kennedy agrees that sharing that you have a different perspective can be a useful way to respond to a narcissist via text.

"This response sets the expectation that the narcissist’s viewpoint is not the only viewpoint in the relationship," Dr. Kennedy says.

Related: 12 of the Best 'I Statements' To Use in Arguments, According to Psychologists

2. "I’m not going to respond to that and am stepping away from my phone."

Responding without responding may seem like an unexpected flex. However, one psychologist says it's a way to set all-important boundaries.

"This statement asserts control over your own decisions, actions and well-being," says Dr. Michael Roeske, Psy.D., the senior director of the Newport Healthcare Center for Research and Innovation.

3. “If you’re going to insult me, this issue will not get resolved."

This phrase is another one that sets firm boundaries.

"Stating that devaluing is unacceptable for you to collaborate sets a boundary," says Dr. Kennedy.

Related: 35 Phrases To Set Boundaries Firmly and Fairly, According to Mental Health Pros

4. ”I hear you want me to X. I won't be able to do that.”

If you're noticing a theme, it's that boundaries are critical with narcissists. This phrase stands out because it reiterates that you understand the person—and still won't adhere to their power-play of a demand.

"Requests and demands can be used to exert power over individuals," says Dr. Joel Frank, Psy.D., a psychologist with Duality Psychological Services. "When managing communications with an individual with narcissistic traits, it is crucial to recognize this dynamic and respond in a manner that both affirms boundaries and does not reinforce power maneuvers."

5. "I cannot talk right now because I have meetings at work. I can talk to you at 5 p.m."

Narcissists may think they should be the center of your world and schedule. That doesn't make it true.

"This response sets a scheduled time that you will be available to speak and communicates that you are not willing to prioritize the narcissist over all other aspects of your life," Dr. Kennedy says.

6. "I gave you my opinion and decision, and I'm comfortable with it."

This phrase is clear, concise and confident.

"This affirms one’s self-confidence, autonomy and decisiveness, and conveys to the narcissist that they don’t control you," Dr. Roeske says.

7. “I will only discuss this if it is in a calm and respectful way.”

You shouldn't have to communicate that you're deserving of respect, but you may need to when dealing with a narcissist. 

"Stating expectations sets the tone and can be an effective way to know when to stop a conversation," Dr. Roeske says.

Related: 12 Phrases To Use When Someone Is 'Talking Down' to You—and Why They Work, According to Psychologists

8. "We can talk when we are both calm and have more time."

You don't have to continue a conversation or refuse to talk about it altogether. 

"If you sense that the narcissist is agitated and might dismiss you, you may elect to table the discussion to another time," Dr. Kennedy explains.

9. "Your comments hurt me. I will respond when I am ready to continue this conversation."

You may be hesitant to share your feelings with a narcissist, given that they may get off on the power of it. However, Dr. Frank says it's OK to use it as a brief rationale for why you won't be engaging further at this time. 

"It is OK to take conversation breaks to give you and the other person time to calm and recollect," Dr. Frank says.

Related: 8 Phrases To Replace Saying 'It's OK' When It's Really Not OK, According to Psychologists

10. “I am not responsible for things beyond my control.”

One of a narcissist's favorite games is one of the blaming variety. This phrase lets them know you aren't playing.

"This statement acknowledges that life does not always go as planned but also does not assume fault," Dr. Roeske says.

11. "I am sure this is not your intention, but it feels like my boundaries are not being listened to."

This phrase is another "I statement" that centers on your experience rather than leaning into "blaming," Dr. Latimer says.

12. "It's important to me to feel balance in a relationship, and I am not feeling that in our interactions."

Dr. Latimer also recommends this phrase because it allows you to stand firm in your values without stooping to a narcissist's level and shaming.

13. “I cannot continue to be in a relationship with you.”

Dr. Kennedy says it's perfectly fine to shut down a conversation—and relationship—with a narcissist via text. 

"Ending the chaos of a relationship with a full-blown narcissist may be the best approach," Dr. Kennedy says.

Related: 11 Phrases To Respond to Guilt-Tripping and Why They Work, According to Psychologists

3 Tips for Approaching Texts With Narcissists

1. Use clear, short answers

There's no need to send something with a high character count—books may play right into a narcissist's hand while wasting your time.

"Sticking to 'yes,' 'no' or 'I can’t talk right now' can help you maintain boundaries with a narcissist and avoid getting sucked into manipulative scenarios," Dr. Kennedy says.

2. Take a beat (and consider muting)

A narcissist's texts may enrage you, and you may be tempted to respond ASAP to get the emotions off your chest. Resist the temptation.

"Sit on your sending the text for a minute and reread it later to make sure you are not in an overly emotional state," Dr. Latimer says.

Struggling with this tip? Mute liberally.

"Temporarily muting notifications for the narcissist’s messages can also provide a sense of control over your communication," Dr. Roeske says, "This allows you to engage with their texts on your terms, reducing the immediate emotional impact."

3. Don't respond at all

There is no rule that you have to respond to a narcissist's texts.

"A lack of response is often more powerful than continuing to engage in a toxic pattern of communication," Dr. Kennedy says. "Ending the relationship altogether may be an even better strategy."

Next: 5 Phrases to Counter (Unjustified) Criticism, According to a Therapist

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