12 Things to Avoid After a Fight With Your Partner
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In any relationship, disagreements are bound to happen. They can be over something small, such as not helping to put away groceries, or something much larger, like infidelity. No matter the cause of the argument, there are proper ways to reconnect and heal after a fight, so you and your partner can grow from the experience and come back stronger. Adversely, there are things you should avoid doing while on the mend as well. To help navigate potential post-argument landmines, we spoke to certified relationship coach Michal Braker about common disagreement philosophies including the 3-day rule after an argument, things to do after a fight with your partner, and make-up sex.
As Braker says, “Relationships that last a long time are usually the ones that know how to overcome arguments, disappointments, and misunderstandings. The key to healing after a fight is to understand one simple concept: ‘Do I want to win the fight or do I want the war?’”
With her help, along with the insights of many other relationship professionals, we’ve put together a list of twelve things not to do after a fight — plus their healing, reconnective counterparts. So instead of holding onto resentment and placing a temporary bandage over the situation with a lackluster “I’m sorry” or “I didn’t mean it,” try one of these expert-recommended techniques for after a fight with your boyfriend, husband, or partner.
1. Don't disrespect your partner's need for space.
"A partner is truly healthy and collaborative when they are able to articulate his or her needs and to express their [feelings] of needing space with transparency and honesty," says Braker. "I think the best way to respond to such integrity is with maturity and respect by honoring that space." When giving your partner space, it can be easy to overthink and assume their feelings. Recognize that those thoughts are just assumptions — not facts — and are often a projection of your own feelings. Take a deep breath, and wait for them to approach you when they are ready.
2. Don't have an all-or-nothing mentality.
After a heated argument with your partner, try to keep an open mind. In the midst of a fight, it can be easy to slip into black-or-white thinking. Dr. Flemming says using terms such as "you always" or "you never"won't solve an argument, so it's important to take a step back once things have cooled off to consider your partner's point of view.
3. Don't give them the cold shoulder.
After a big blow up, it's easy to transition to not speaking. Maybe you're at a stalemate of unresolved feelings, where neither party wants to 'cave' and begin the dialogue toward resolution. This is where the '3-Day Rule' often comes into play. "The 3-Day Rule is when one partner is waiting for the other to reach out first after a disagreement or an argument," says Braker. "The challenge is that if they don't reach out within 3 days, the assumption is that the partner doesn't care, so [they] should break up and end the relationship." But what happens when both parties are playing by the 3-Day Rule, waiting for the other to reach out? This can lead to a bigger problem.
"The 3-Day Rule doesn’t work because often, in arguments, the miscommunication could have been solved by simple communication but isn’t, and is then further blown out of proportion due to both partners not talking it out," says Braker. "Instead, I would follow the following formula: If you are living together, reach out 6 - 12 hours after an argument or by the next meal time together. I would reach out after 24 hours [later] if you aren’t living together."
4. Don't keep their words in your arsenal.
You know the saying, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?" Whatever your partner says during a fight should stay there. "List-makers never tell their partners what bothers them in the moment," Michelle Golland, PsyD, a clinical psychologist in Los Angeles, tells Woman's Day. If they say something during a fight that bugs you, tell them. If their fighting words annoy you the next day, give yourself some breathing room instead of approaching them soon after. Reconvening too soon after an argument to discuss the same issue can often lead to talking in circles, not resolving conflict.
5. Don't just say, "I'm sorry" if they're still hurt.
That says, "I'm sick of this. Leave me alone. I want to do something else," Laurie Puhn, a couples mediator and author of Fight Less, Love More, tells Woman's Day. "What you want to say is, 'I'm sorry for…' and explain what you're talking about. The second part of the apology is, 'In the future, I will…' and fill in the blank with how you won't make the mistake again."
6. Don't make excuses for why you fought.
There are a million things on which you could blame an argument: a bad day at work, a headache, a restless night. In fact, a University of California Berkeley study found that couples who don't get enough sleep are more likely to fight. Still, passing the blame isn't fair to your or your partner. "Fights are about information," Dr. Golland says. "If you're angry, sad, or hurt, that's information your husband needs to know." The next time you have a bad day at work, send a warning text before you get home, Dr. Golland suggests. That way, they know that you may be more irritable and prone to disagreements.
7. Don't walk away if they re-approach the argument.
"Every couple needs to understand there are at least 2 minds, 2 hearts and 2 perspectives to every relationship, argument, disagreement, and dispute," says Braker. It may take several conversations to work through the disagreement and find clarity. Respect that even if you are at peace with the argument, your partner may not be. "Let them rehash whatever they want [for] however long they need," says Braker. "All too often, the reason why they rehash the argument is because they still need clarification and have lots of unanswered questions." So be open and understanding; allow them the chance to feel heard.
8. Don't keep getting in jabs.
Still reeling from a fight? That doesn't give you the right to mutter not-so-sweet nothings. "Never call a person a name. It's hard to recover from that," Rachel A. Sussman, a licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert in New York City, tells Woman's Day. If you fought about your vacation budget, don't say they're cheap when you're looking at your friend's photos from her trip to Greece. Name-calling only makes them "come back swinging with insults," says Sussman. Instead, ask them to talk through what's still bothering you once you've calmed down. Say something like, "I know you're concerned we don't have the money, but here's a budget I made," Sussman suggests.
9. Don't use make-up sex as a replacement for discussing feelings.
"Make-up sex can often feel even more exciting and satiating than the honeymoon stage [of] sex, especially if one or both partner’s language of love is touch," says Braker. "Why is make-up sex so amazing? When we worry or are scared that we are about to lose our partner, we appreciate them more and see them in a new light." It's a literal way of reconnecting, to feel close again after a disagreement.
However, make up sex is not a replacement for the make-up conversation. There will still be unresolved feelings and emotional wounds that can only be resolved through talking. "Make-up sex without a discussion will simply postpone the need to talk and unpack what happened," says Braker. "In fact, the make-up sex may even confuse one or both partners to falsely believe that everything has been resolved." So instead of using make-up sex as a quick fix way to reconnect, have an open conversation.
10. Don't focus on what caused the fight.
Your energy is better spent on the solutions for the problem. Puhn uses this example: Say your spouse forgot to bring cash to a cash-only event. You had a tiff about it, but then you went to an ATM and the issue was resolved. Enjoy the night instead of replaying your partner's screw-up in your head. "The difference between a bad fight and a good fight is whether or not you reached a solution," says Puhn. On the other hand, if their forgetfulness is consistent, try saying, "I'm noticing that you aren't carrying cash much these days. What's going on there?" It's a less judgmental way to get at the issue than, "Ugh! Not again!"
11. Don't say, "I didn't mean it."
"Saying this is like trying to use an eraser on permanent marker," says Puhn. "It inflames the situation because your [partner] will say: 'Yes you did!'" Going back and forth on what you said or didn't say, meant or didn't mean, keeps you focused on the past instead of working toward a solution for the future, which is the goal of any disagreement. If they say, "I didn't mean it," say, "You didn't mean it, but the result was that I felt this way. So in the future, please do XYZ."
12. Don't beat yourself up that you had a fight.
Everyone wants a partner who's invested — and fighting can be a sign that you're both still working at the relationship (a positive thing!). Puhn says she knows a couple is doomed when they say, "We used to fight a lot, but now, we raise our hands and walk out." It's not that they don't disagree on things. "It means they're letting the relationship go, which is what happens before they leave or find an affair," Puhn says. So feel good that you both still care enough to get to the bottom of your issues.
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