10 Signs Someone Is a Fake Friend
It’s totally normal for friendships to ebb and flow, especially as you navigate junior high, high school, and college. But if you have a friend who consistently brings more pain and confusion than happiness and support, it might be time to end the friendship. No one needs a Regina George in their life.
It’s not always easy to recognize a fake friend. They’re intentionally deceptive or act under a guise of kindness or helpfulness for their own ulterior motives, Dr. Pauline Yeghnazar Peck, a Santa Barbara, California-based licensed psychologist, explains. “People can get close to us for lots of different reasons and with different motivations,” she continues. “Not everyone who befriends us is actually a friend, meaning that they don’t always have our best interests at heart.”
A friendship break-up is complicated and often uncomfortable. “Peer pressure and social anxiety can make it difficult to question the authenticity of a friendship, especially if it’s perceived as popular or desirable by others,” Dr. Sanam Hafeez, neuropsychologist and Director of Comprehend the Mind in New York City, explains. But over time, you might notice that they’re repeatedly hurtful, unkind, distant, or manipulative, to a point where hanging out with them is more exhausting than it is enjoyable. Take this as a signal to get some distance and walk away. To help your protect your mental and emotional health, here, Dr. Peck and Dr. Hafeez break down the signs of a fake friend.
1. They never want to hang out
Your friend should WANT to hang out with you. If getting them to spend time with you feels like pulling teeth, chances are, they don’t appreciate your company as much as you appreciate theirs.
“In some cases, they may genuinely have a busy schedule and cannot make it,” Dr. Hafeez explains. “However, if it happens repeatedly, it may be a sign that they are not interested in spending time with you, or there are underlying problems in the friendship that need to be addressed, such as miscommunication or a lack of compatibility.”
If someone’s really your friend, they’ll find time for you. At the very least, they’d be open and honest about why they can’t hang out, and won’t constantly wait until the last minute to cancel.
2. They only want to hang when it’s convenient for them
There are some friends who don’t mind hanging out... as long as you’ll come to them every time. Or, they need a companion for a group movie date or someone to run errands with. “Friendship might be a way to alleviate loneliness and so they might only reach out when they are feeling lonely and don’t have plans, versus including you in something fun that is already happening,” Dr. Peck explains.
When you ask them to come over after school, or invite them to your family’s barbecue this weekend, they decline. “One possible reason could be that they simply don’t prioritize spending time with you,” Dr. Hafeez says. “They may have other commitments or interests that take precedence over their friendship with you.”
If you’re feeling like a “plan B,” Dr. Hafeez continues, try to sit down and have a conversation with them. If they value your friendship, they’ll listen and, hopefully, explain their distant behavior.
3. They always take but never give
If you notice that your friend is constantly turning down invitations to hang and then only reaches out when they happen to need a ride or want to use your new curling iron, then there’s a chance that they could be using you.
“Look for whether there is reciprocity or a sense of fairness in time, support, and concrete things,” Dr. Peck suggests. “No relationship is equal all the time and it’s best not to keep a running ledger of every thing you have given and what you’ve gotten in return — relationships are so much more than transactions — but do listen to how you feel in the friendship.”
Similarly, if you find that you’re constantly listening to your friend, offering advice, and consoling them, but never get the same effort in return, it could be a sign your friend doesn’t have your best interests at heart. “If you feel dismissed, taken advantage of, uncared for, and dumped on emotionally, it’s important to listen to that,” Dr. Peck adds.
4. They constantly dish your secrets in front of other people
It’s OK if your friend accidentally slips up and reveals a secret to your mutual pals, but if your friend is constantly divulging things you told them in confidence, they’re probably not the most trustworthy friend. They’re not being considerate of your feelings and the constant violation of your trust is a red flag.
5. They talk badly about everyone to you
If your main line of conversation with a friend usually consists of them gossiping and talking smack about other people, chances are they gossip and talk smack about you to other people, too. Think: Gossip Girl, the inside source into “the scandalous lives of Manhattan’s elite,” or the Plastics’ Burn Book.
6. They judge you
It’s one thing for your friend to be honest and offer constructive criticism (like when they tells you it’s probably not a good idea to get close to that person you’re crushing on who has an S.O.). But you shouldn’t be nervous to talk to your friend about certain things because they’re judging you and making you feel bad about your choices.
If this is a pattern, try to talk to your friend about it. “When someone is judging us, they might make dismissive or demeaning comments or put us down. They might make fun of us. They might nonverbally show us that they don't agree with what we are saying,” Dr. Peck explains. Ask your friend why they’re responding in this way, she suggests. This could open up a healthy conversation and help you better understand each other, but if not, it could be a sign to get some distance.
7. They're constantly demeaning you in front of your other friends
If they’re constantly insulting you ( “Oh, why did you wear that?”) or cutting you off ( “OK, shhhhh”) in front of other people, it’s rude and inconsiderate. You don’t need that negativity in your life. Friends should lift you up and make you feel better, not put you down and make you feel small.
“Hurt people hurt people. There are lots of reasons why someone might intentionally (or unintentionally) hurt someone else,” Dr. Peck explains. “Listen to its impact on you. Betraying your trust, demeaning you, and putting you down are not healthy behaviors and cause harm.”
8. They’re embarrassed of you
A friend excluding you from group chats or dismissing you when you start talking about the things you love might make you feel like they’re embarrassed of you. This is disrespectful and hurtful, and a sign you should cut them off. True friends will love you for you and will never be ashamed for people to know you’re their bestie.
9. They’re never happy for you
Your besties should be your biggest fans. So if you feel like your friend never has anything nice to say when you achieve something, or worse, they try to one up you instead of congratulating you, there’s a chance they see you as competition, not a friend.
Sure, sometimes you and your friend will both strive for the highest grade in AP Bio or audition for the same part in the play, and things might get a little competitive and awkward between you, but your friendship shouldn’t feel like a constant competition.
10. They make fun of you all the time
Friends can lightly tease each other, but if you feel like your friend takes things way too far, way too often, you’re probably not overthinking things. Tell them how they make you feel, and if they brush off your concerns, it’s a possible sign that they’re not considerate of your feelings. “Remember that healthy and respectful relationships should be balanced and based on genuine care and mutual respect, not just convenience or personal gain,” Dr. Hafeez explains.
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