11 Ways Emotionally Intelligent People Overcome Disappointment
Disappointment is a tricky emotion to deal with because every day can bring about new situations to be disappointed over. Sometimes disappointments come at rapid speed (the proverbial "when it rains it pours"). Sometimes disappointments are truly huge and life changing. Then there are those that are small, annoying, or simply just make you cringe. Meanwhile, difficult times around the world add to our daily stressors and can heighten your reaction to negative news. We asked experts to share the keys to improving our ability to cope and bounce back quickly from the disappointments and frustrations that are a part of our everyday lives.
1. Take a moment to…wallow. You may find your sense of calm more easily if you allow yourself not be calm for the initial shock of disappointment. "When you get bad news, take a moment to let it sink in," says Tina Gilbertson, LPC, DCC, psychotherapist and author of Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings by Letting Yourself Have Them. "Also, find a word for how you feel, such as disappointed, resentful, or afraid. Labeling feelings helps us make sense of our experience." Let the waves of disappointment wash over you, speak out loud (if only to yourself), and honor your emotions. "Experiencing your feelings will allow you to make a cool-headed decision about what to do next," she adds.
2. Do a reality check—is it really that bad? After feeling the first blows of disappointment, step back and assess. It can seem like the biggest, most horrible thing that could possibly happen—but humans tend to dramatize, too. "Feelings are real and are important to recognize, but thoughts are not always the truth," says Psychotherapist Sarah Mandel, R.N., L.C.S.W. When the initial upset is over, she says, "Try to look objectively at your problems to help separate fact from fiction and reduce negative self-talk."
3. Go high when hit with low blow. "Though we don't get to choose the situations about which we feel disappointed, we have a lot of choice regarding how we respond to disappointment," says Tricia Andor, MA, LPC. "We can choose what we do, say, and think about any given situation." She says it's important to head disappointment up at the pass before things turn to into irritation, anger, resentment, jealousy, or bitterness.
4. Don't stew in negativity. Like any other emotion, disappointment has a spectrum, says licensed counselor and life coach, Monte Drenner, LMHC, CAP. "The secret to dealing with disappointment is to not let it grow into stronger emotions like discouragement and depression," he says. "The longer I stew in disappointment the more likely I will allow myself to become discouraged which is even more difficult to get through. The longer I'm discouraged the greater the chances of getting depressed." Turn the emotional tables on disappointment and always look for ways to grow from it. "Turn this negative emotion into a positive emotion like determination," he says, because is it a way to restore peace of mind.
5. Avoid anxious reactions by lowering stress. Find a sweet spot for fast anxiety relief, such as meditating, walking, listening to music, taking a long baths or watching a comedy. Your general state of stress and anxiety can add an extra layer of sensitivity and make you more prone to agitation. "Stress is on a continuum from 0 (no stress at all) to 10 (the most stressed out you have ever been)," says Elizabeth R. Lombardo, PhD, MS, PT, author of Better than Perfect: 7 Strategies to Crush Your Inner Critic and Create a Life You Love. "When we are at a seven or higher out of ten, we tend to "negative filter"—focus almost exclusively on the negatives—and catastrophize." Find things to do every day that keep you calmer so that you don't feel it is the end of the world every time you are disappointed by an outcome.
6. Put things in perspective. Sports journalist Sam Weinman, author of Win at Losing: How Our Biggest Setbacks Can Lead to Our Greatest Gains, has interviewed many public figures and mental health professionals about disappointments."The psychologist Dr. Jim Loehr talks about 'framing' events in our lives in a constructive way," says Weinman. "His point is that our interpretation of what happens is in many ways more important than what actually happens. If that's the case, Loehr says, in any disappointment we need to find something useful that we can build on, or that at least lets us see even the smallest positive." The more we can learn to frame in a way that's constructive and positive while still being honest, the better we are able to process disappointment.
7. Try not to take other people's reactions and opinions to heart. Differing points of view are not, in themselves, insults. "Some people feel attacked when someone disagrees with them or implies that they've done something wrong," says marriage and family therapist, Jill Whitney, LMFT. "Wise people know that every person has a unique perspective, and that's okay." Not every person we deal with in life or in social media is wise, but we can all work on becoming secure in our own points of view so that others do not rattle us with theirs. And we can also lighten up about some of our own views. "Be open to new ideas and facts," she said. "Don't feel a need to be right all the time." It is also important to own our mistakes and apologize when called for.
8. Limit others from dumping their disappointments. While sharing and being heard is important, try to stay clear from people who make a big deal out of everything that goes wrong. "You may know someone who takes everything as a personal affront," says Whitney. "He's sure that the other driver cut him off on purpose, that his boss has it in for him, that his spouse forgot to buy milk because she's being passive-aggressive or because she doesn't care about him." People who put a negative spin on everything often spew the negativity on the people around them, she says. Sometimes you have to limit contacts and when exposed, let negative news go in one ear and out the other. Especially when trying to process your own disappointments.
9. Write down your distress. This can help get it out of your system. "One way to cope with disappointment is by writing down our feelings," says Diana Raab, PhD, creativity expert and author of Healing with Words and Writing for Bliss. "Journaling is a good way to start because it can help you express concerns and emotions about your disappointment in a non-threatening way. The journal is non-judgmental and will listen." She says to 'free write,' not even lifting the pen from the page, until everything flows out. It can be a great way to grow, learn and transform from your disappointment." Writing can be uses to release pain and to also help us rebuild strength.
10. Develop positive thinking muscles. When we get stuck focusing on bad news we lose sight of what is right in our lives and the world around us. "Our brains are fundamentally wired to focus on the negatives in our lives. It is part of our self-preservation to look for potential threats in the world around us," says Louise Aspden, a life coach specializing in positive thinking and emotional intelligence. "That wiring is old and in today's world doesn't always serve us when we are pummeled with negativity at every turn." Our brains are also neoplastic, meaning we can rewire them to look for what is right in the world, she says. A gratitude list of 10 to 20 items every day can help reset your mind. She suggests you list everything from that new job to that delicious morning coffee and you will see your knee-jerk reaction to negative new transform.
11. Breathe your way to a clear mind. The emotional center in our brain can take over our ability to think straight in stressful situations, says Aspden. "It can send stress hormones through the system, increase your heart rate and blood flow so that you can 'fight or run,' as well as narrowing your thought process," she says. "The simple act of taking a few deep breaths will dissipate the cortisol (stress hormone) through oxygenating your blood and will get you back into thinking mode instead of reaction mode." Breathing can literally help you increase feelings of wellbeing and peace. Remember, while we cannot always control the disappointments that come our way, we can seek to alleviate and counteract their impact on our daily lives. But if the burden is too heavy to carry alone, reach out for a friend to talk to or professional support.
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