11 Scenarios When Using Your Phone Could be Considered Rude
We’ve all been there: We're enjoying a delicious meal at a restaurant and somewhat distracted by what’s going on at the table next to us. There’s scenario one: the more-into-their-phones-than-each-other couple. You know the ones. They spend their entire date looking at their phones, not each other. “It’s not a good look. You don't want to look like you've got better things to be doing,” says Jacksonville-based interior designer Nellie Howard Ossi.
Then, there’s scenario two: the influencers. They’re taking and re-taking photos and video of every single moment of their dinner without even talking to each other—or eating. “I believe we need to live in the moment as much as we can, and we should avoid constantly taking photos and videos during our different life experiences,” says Neillie Butler, founder and president of the Birmingham, Alabama-based wedding planning and design company Mariee Ami. “We should feel free to take photos of significant memories, moments or people, then we should put our phones away,” she adds.
And of course, there’s scenario three: the monkey-say-monkey-do group. A good time is being had by all until one person takes out her phone and the rest of the group follows suit. “I often find that once a phone comes out, for any reason, it’s like a domino effect in the way that everyone pulls out their phones. The vibe of the group changes instantly,” says author and etiquette expert Myka Meier.
Let’s face it: We’re all increasingly reliant on our phones—for everything from news and entertainment to staying organized, staying in touch, and multi-tasking (read: toggling between emails and scrolling Instagram). But with increased dependance comes increased concern and annoyance over said dependence—especially when it begins to take a toll on our relationships.
To better navigate these changing times, we consulted experts from the etiquette, home, and entertaining worlds to create some rules, or guidelines, about when we should—and should definitely not—use our phones. Here’s what they had to say about when using your phone could be considered rude versus when it’s actually OK.
Keep your phone out of sight at a dinner party.
“Those are the kinds of intimate occasions where a phone looks best on the inside of a chic handbag,” says Howard Ossi. Meier agrees, noting that being “unavailable” during this time is a sign of respect to the host. “If a host has taken the time and energy to throw a dinner party, I think it’s important to mirror that effort by not being on your phone,” she says.
That said, it’s perfectly fine to step away to check your phone from time to time, according to Butler, especially at moments of transition like just before guests are seated for dinner. If the group is particularly small and intimate, Butler advises to verbally let others know if you need to step away for a call or to send a text.
Taking photos inside someone’s home could be considered rude.
Meier advises avoiding taking photos or video inside a friend’s home altogether, “unless perhaps it’s a group shot of friends,” she says. “No matter how much you love their velvet mint floor-to-ceiling curtains, or the gorgeous artwork hanging, taking video or photography inside someone’s home can feel invasive.”
It's perfectly OK for hosts to ask guests to put their phones away.
“The nice way to say this is, ‘I am hoping we can all be present during this time. Please refrain from using your phone,’” advises Butler, who notes that people are typically eager for more direction about how to behave. “Don't second guess yourself with this ask—it is most often needed for the world we live in.”
But if you want to avoid such a conversation at your actual event, consider addressing on your event invitation, suggests Howard Ossi. “That way people can make arrangements beforehand and they aren't surprised. If you tell someone as they're walking in that it's a phone-free evening, you may encounter a little pushback that can put a damper on the mood,” she says. One other idea: Make a game out of being “unplugged” for the evening by collecting phones at the outset of your event, advises Meier.
Phones are fine a wedding reception, but never OK during the ceremony.
That’s right, no photos or filming for your friends or family who could not attend. “This is a time to be present, and the bride does not want your phone waving in the air in the background of all of her professional images,” says Butler. That said, she says it’s perfectly OK to take photos or video at the reception, or to send a text. “But it is never okay to make a phone call from inside the party,” she adds.
Meier advises wedding guests to look around for “clues” before whipping out that phone to document the affair. “Some weddings or special events will have signs or announce the event is “unplugged”—in other words, a technology- and phone-free event—and in those cases you definitely want to keep phones hidden away,” she says. She also advises asking the bride and groom for permission before you post photos from their wedding. “They may want to post professional photos of the special day and not have your photos be the first ones people see and share,” says Meier.
Put your phone on airplane mode during a worship service.
“This the one hour of your week during which you do not need to be reached,” notes Butler. Worship services can spark all different emotions for others, observes Meier, adding that it’s important to be respectful to all by simply ignoring the phone at this time. Adds Howard Ossi: “Jesus, take the wheel—and the phone! It's a no-no for me.”
Phones are OK to use while shopping, so long as you put them away during check out.
Our experts agree that phones are OK to use while shopping, so long as you’re considerate of those around you. After all, they can be useful tools for shopping, particularly when you’re shopping alone, notes Butler. Adds Meier: “Checking shopping lists, sending a pic of your outfit try-on to your best friend or multi-tasking on your phone in a shop is quite common and totally normal to do.”
You just want to be mindful of others, “especially the cashier who needs your attention when you are paying for an item,” advises Butler. Furthermore, it’s important to be aware of your voice level while on a call inside a shop. “As someone who works in a retail shop, I do think it's rude to have loud, boisterous conversations,” says Howard Ossi.
Quick phone checks are OK at restaurants—but never make or take a call.
“I am guilty of the ‘phone upside down’ on the table at dinner with friends,” says Howard Ossi, adding that it’s important to let your friends know you value your time with them. “The whole point of catching up is to get some face time in with your friend, not FaceTime,” she says.
Howard Ossi agrees with Butler that it’s perfectly fine to take your phone out briefly for a quick check in, such as ensuring you are reachable by family who depend on you. “However, pulling out your phone to casually look at throughout dinner is always a NO. This is not a time to check the news, emails or social media accounts,” says Butler.
Furthermore, Meier advises people to never take a call at a restaurant. “Most people would find a phone conversation distracting to their meal. Instead, if you must take a phone call, simply excuse yourself and take it away from the table,” she says.
It's perfectly fine to use your phone in a car, so long as you’re not the driver.
So long as you remain aware of your surroundings, our experts agree that riding in a car is actually a great time for making calls or catching up on emails on your phone.
“No one wants to listen to a one-sided conversation, but calls are hard to avoid when on a long car ride,” says Butler. Adds Meier: “People often make use a time in a car to catch up on texts and emails as there may be little else to do.”
Talking while walking is fine. Texting while walking is not!
“This is when yoga pants with a pocket come in handy. I've seen way too many people almost get into an accident from walking while texting,” says Howard Ossi. Meier agrees: “The one thing to avoid is walking and texting or walking and emailing while not looking up, which can be very frustrating for others when you bump into oncoming walking traffic.”
And one reminder for those who enjoy making a call during a walk: Always use headphones or earbuds and “remember to never talk on speakerphone in public,” says Butler.
Always remove earbuds when speaking with someone face to face.
“Not just one, but both,” says Meier who notes that in scenarios like ordering coffee, it can be confusing—even rude—to speaking to someone with ear buds in. “If you are walking, running, at your desk, cleaning, on a call, or by yourself, earbud away! But the moment you need to speak to someone face to face, quickly pop them out until the conversation is over. It will come across polite and respectful.”
Butler also notes that using ear buds does not make it OK to have a phone conversation anywhere you want. “You are actually talking a little louder when you are using your earbuds than you would on a normal phone call, so make sure you are aware of your surroundings,” she says.
Never take out your phone in a theater.
“Not even for a quick photo,” says Meier, who notes that phones’ glowing screens can be very distracting to other audience members and performers.
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