101 Funny Insults To Roast Your Friends and Frenemies
Funny insults are the best insults. Why? Because whether you're just joking around roasting pals or you really want to deliver a caustic, biting remark to a bona fide jerk, the other people in the room won't be able to help but appreciate your razor-sharp wit.
Here are some of our favorite funny insults, including funny insults for kids, for the next time you're in a roast battle or just want to diss someone who won't get off of your case.
Related: 101 Friendship Quotes
101 Funny Insults
1. The closest you'll come to a brainstorm is a light drizzle.
2. You look smarter in pictures.
3. Honestly, I'm just impressed you could read this.
4. Your family tree didn't have enough branches.
5. Your existence proves that intelligent design doesn't exist.
6. Your face just made me agnostic.
7. I'm still deciding whether you're the weakest link or the missing link.
8. I have neither the time nor the crayons necessary to explain this to you.
9. You are an oxygen bandit.
10. I've had bowel movements more attractive than you.
Related: The Best Quotes From Step Brothers
Funny Insults for Adults
11. You do you. Because God knows no one else will.
12. Don't worry, someday the other one will drop.
13. You look like a "before" picture.
14. You could have been an extra in Chernobyl.
15. What doesn't kill you disappoints the rest of us.
16. Did you develop your personality in car crash?
17. I smell smoke. Were you thinking too hard again?
18. Being bitter won't make you prettier.
19. I envy everyone who hasn't met you.
20. You're proof that evolution is bulls*it.
Related: 179 Best Succession Quotes and Insults
21. If ignorance is bliss, you must be ecstatic at all times.
22. You'd fail a personality test.
23. You're proof that accidents happen.
24. Out of all the sperm to win the race...
25. There really is one born every minute.
26. You'll go far someday. And I hope you stay there.
27. You're proof that the gene pool needs lifeguards.
28. Your gene pool needs more chlorine.
29. I will not have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
30. It's impossible to underestimate you.
Related: The Funniest Dwight Schrute Quotes From The Office
31. Your pH level is 14.
32. Though some people fear success, rest assured, you have nothing to worry about.
33. The only time you're not as dumb as you look is when I close my eyes.
34. Imagine how many crises would have been averted if your parents bothered to use a condom.
35. You look like someone fed you after midnight.
36. You're weapons-grade stupid.
37. Even Bob Ross would call you a mistake.
38. If I gave you a penny for your thoughts, I'd get change back.
39. Our parents told us we could be anything, and you chose "disappointment."
40. I think of you often. On trash day.
Related: Funny Work Quotes
41. Your birth control of choice appears to be your personality.
42. You're a sentient menstrual cramp.
43. If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them cute.
44. Your parents should be tried at the Hague.
45. If your IQ were just a little higher you could be an idiot.
46. You're not the dumbest person alive, but you better hope they're taking vitamins.
47. I expect nothing and am still disappointed.
48. The bar is beneath the ground and we need a metal detector to find it.
49. I'd love to help you out. Which way did you get in?
50. Light travels faster than sound, which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
Related: The Best Rick and Morty Quotes
Funny Insults for Kids
51. On Halloween, trick-or-treaters probably give you candy.
52. You're not the brightest crayon in the box.
53. You're as bright as beige.
54. You look like something I drew with my left hand.
55. If genius skips a generation, your parents must be masterminds.
56. Silence is golden, but for you, it's actually diamond status.
57. Your mom wishes the stork left a gift receipt with you.
58. If zombies tried eating your brains, they'd starve.
59. If you were any dumber I'd have to water you once a day.
60. You bring as much joy to the world as a wet sock.
Related: The Best Captain Picard Quotes From the Star Trek Universe
61. You're a gray sprinkle on a Funfetti cupcake.
62. Your face would make an onion cry.
63. Don't be ashamed of who you are. That's your parents' job.
64. I know you are, but what am I?
65. You remind me of my dog, who chases his own tail for entertainment,
66. You're why shampoo bottles have instructions.
67. If you ever had to speak your mind, you'd be silent.
68. That sounds like a you problem.
69. You are like a cloud. When you disappear, it's a beautiful day.
70. I am rubber, you are glue. Anything you say bounces off of me and sticks to you!
Related: Julia Louis-Dreyfus' Funniest Seinfeld Quotes
71. I'd say you're dumb as a rock, but at least rocks are useful.
72. I'm not insulting you. I'm describing you.
73. You're so ugly you'd make a Happy Meal cry.
74. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
75. If you were any more gutless, you'd be dead.
76. If stupidity were a crime, you'd be serving a life sentence.
77. You bring joy to every room you exit.
78. Does it make you sad that you didn't even make the main stage at the circus?
79. You have a face for radio.
80. You're as useful as a chocolate teapot.
Related: Classic Forrest Gump Quotes
81. You're about as bright as a cave.
Funny Insults for Significant Others
82. I'll never forget the day we met. But that doesn't mean I won't keep trying.
83. I go everywhere with you so I won't have to kiss you goodbye.
84. If brilliance skips a generation, my in-laws must be geniuses.
85. You have a face only a mother could love. It's also why we're never having kids.
86. Your secrets are safe with me, mostly because I wasn't listening.
87. I've forgotten more than you've ever known.
88. What I settled for is what I got.
89. This isn't what I meant when I asked for a slow cooker.
90. Consider swapping out your Chapstick for a glue stick.
Related: Funny Marriage Quotes
91. My knight in shining armor turned out to be a jester wrapped in aluminum foil.
92. We were happily married for a month. We've been married for a decade.
93. I'm learning to embrace my mistakes. Want a hug?
94. I felt incomplete until I married you. Now I feel like I'm finished.
95. If at first, you don’t succeed, try doing it the way I told you to the first time.
96. My partner and I had a very happy 20 years. Then we met.
97. I wish my marriage license came with an expiration date.
98. The first 40 years of childhood are the hardest.
99. My partner said I'd never find someone else like them. That's the point.
100. My relationship is like a walk in the park ... Jurassic Park.
101. How is it that you know everything—except when to shut up?
Next, Jason Alexander's Best George Costanzas Quotes from Seinfeld
