By: Frank Kobola
Photo Credit: Cosmopolitan
There’s a huge, huge difference between “having a few drinks and then having sex” and “drunk sex.” The difference is, in one instance, you’re a bit tipsy and messing around. In the other, you shouldn’t be operating a motor vehicle, and that includes captaining the boat of a pleasure cruise on a path through the oceans of someone else’s vagina. (Some people like to call it “sex.” I prefer to call it “captaining the boat of a pleasure cruise on a path through the oceans of someone else’s vagina.” Every time. Without exception.) Drunk sex is still fun, but it’s also super awkward and unpredictable, and there’s a considerable chance someone might throw up.
1. I think I know where this awkward facesucking is headed. Whenever you don’t care that a bunch of bar strangers are watching you, covered in beer and saliva, try and suck off each other’s tongues, you’re probably winding up at one of your apartments.
2. This bra might as well be a Rubik’s Cube. I don’t know how I’m supposed to unclasp this when I could barely figure out how to get my boxers off in this state. Can we just cut you out of it?
3. I hope my penis works. And continues to function. When you’re really drunk, your penis forgets that you’re best friends. And it will abandon you to go to sleep without giving you a head’s up.
4. Do I have to throw up? Definitely do. Oh, wait. Not anymore. Time to completely forget about the fact that my body is sending me warning signs.
5. Can we stop so I can pee? This is the danger of drinking a ton and then electing to do something with your penis that isn’t peeing. It’s going to want to pee. A lot. Eventually, it will hurt.
6. Did I just fall asleep? Somehow, I don’t think she noticed, even if we’re doing it doggy style.
7. I will be dead tomorrow basically. Yup, it’s definitely really bad to do something that gets you all sweaty right after drinking a lot.
8. I’m pretty sure I’m so drunk that I can have sex forever at this point. Drinking numbs the senses, which means sometimes your penis forgets that it’s in a vagina. That has its pros and cons.
9. Aaaaaand I threw up. This is not the kind of bodily fluid I wanted to be getting all over my bed.
10. Well, I guess I’m sleeping on the floor. Sober me can get angry at drunk me tomorrow. It was worth it though. Because it was sex. Even if it took some of my dignity.