10 Ways to Tame Your Intrusive Thoughts

You’re driving down a two-lane road, windows down, belting out “Walking on Sunshine,” when suddenly you think about veering into oncoming traffic.

You’ve settled in for the season finale of Ted Lasso when—plot twist—a sexual thought about your brother (YOUR BROTHER) (!) hits.

You’re on guess three of Wordle when, for a split second, you imagine harming your grandchild.

Your next thought: Am I a monster?

No. But you’re experiencing the monster known as an unwanted intrusive thought, the kind that don’t just make you wonder “What did that mean?” They can make you question the very humanness of your being.

These intrusive thoughts can be so disturbing, chances are you’ve never told anyone about them. Not your spouse. Not your best friend. Not even your therapist. While we encourage talking to the latter—it’s their job to help with this stuff, after all—we wanted to get you answers, stat. 

Here, psychologists share the 10 most important things to know about intrusive thoughts—starting with the one you probably need to hear most.

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Surprising Thing #1: Intrusive Thoughts Are Totally Normal

Perverse images of your father, violent flickers while chopping onions: They’re as common as they are alarming. According to a study published in Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, more than 99 percent of subjects reported having occasional intrusive thoughts, with 13 percent experiencing them frequently.

Or, as clinical psychologist Sally Winston, Psy.D., puts it: “Everybody has intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts are just thoughts. They’re just part of life.”

Yes, even the super weird ones.

Surprising Thing #2: There Are Different Types of Intrusive Thoughts

While the term “intrusive thoughts” typically brings to mind the most upsetting variety, not all intrusive thoughts are unwanted.

“Everyone has thoughts that just come into their mind that are outside the regular flow of thinking,” says Dr. Winston, co-director of the Anxiety and Stress Disorders Institute of Maryland. 

As you might guess, it’s the unwanted intrusive thoughts people tend to get hung up on on because they’re exactly as their name implies—unwanted. They can span the gamut: thoughts about violence (either in relation to yourself or others) that are inappropriately sexual, connected to death (yours or someone else’s), or something that goes against your religious or moral beliefs.

Surprising Thing #3: You Can’t Prevent Intrusive Thoughts

Regrettably, unwanted intrusive thoughts also summon another “un” adjective: unavoidable, says David Carbonell, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist who specializes in anxiety and the author of The Worry Trick,

Take this example: A friend tells a story that involves a dragonfly. You start seeing the insects everywhere. In the park. Infused into museum paintings. On Facebook. As earrings! They were always there, you’re just noticing them more now that they’re on the brain. The power of suggestion is, well, powerful. 

And, as Dr. Carbonell explains, people who think they can control their thoughts often experience a catch-22: “They’re liable to have more intrusive thoughts,” he says. 

Surprising Thing #4: The Best Way to Deal with Intrusive Thoughts Is to Let Them Pass

It’s natural to want to push away disturbing brain whiffs. But the best way to handle an intrusive thought is to acknowledge it, then let it pass—just as you would random thoughts that aren’t troubling. “The more you fight to suppress the thought, the more intense and repetitive it becomes,” Dr. Winston says. (It’s the dragonfly thing again.) 

What if it doesn’t pass? Actively focus your attention on something else—call a friend or start a new show. If that doesn’t work and intrusive thoughts are cropping up on the regular, it’s probably time to book a therapy appointment to see if there’s something deeper at play. For example, consistently having intrusive thoughts that cause anxiety is a symptom of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), says Dr. Winston. 

If this turns out to be your situation, it doesn’t mean you’re doomed to have intrusive thoughts for all eternity. Working with a therapist can truly help them subside.

Surprising Thing #5: There’s a Connection Between Persistent Intrusive Thoughts and OCD

Same thought on a ticker-tape loop around your mind? It could be a form of OCD. “OCD obsessions are repeated, persistent unwanted thoughts,” Dr. Winston says. Look for a therapist who specializes in OCD (check out the provider directory from the International OCD Foundation) to help you work through things and figure out the best course of treatment.

Surprising Thing #6: Having Intrusive Thoughts Doesn’t Mean You’re a Bad Person

We live in a society of shame, so it’s not hard to see why disconcerting thoughts can send you spiraling. “Many people wonder, What does this mean about my mind? Is it a signal? A warning? Does it say something about my character? Does it indicate that there’s a hidden part of me?” Dr. Winston says. 

But the answer is a definitive two letters: N.O. In fact, part of the reason why people find an intrusive thought so upsetting is because it’s the complete opposite of who they are and what they believe, says Dr. Winston. 

Granted, we also live in a world where bad people do bad things—and intrusive thoughts may have you stressing about your humanity. But that’s not how it works. Thoughts are thoughts. They aren’t controllable, and they don’t exist in a vacuum.

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It’s important to consider your whole being, including your mental health and past behaviors. There is a Nile-wide difference between a person with a history of deviant acts who has a violent intrusive thought and a generally gentle, kind human who experiences the same type of thought.

“When someone tells me they are ashamed of an intrusive thought, I ask them to tell me about their actions, because that’s what we evaluate when we want to form an assessment about a person,” Dr. Carbonell says. “We evaluate people based on what they’ve done, not what they think. If we evaluated people based on their thoughts, we’d all be in jail.”

Surprising Thing #7: Some People Are Predisposed to Having Intrusive Thoughts

You knew this was coming, right? What issue doesn’t have a genetic component? And such is the case for intrusive thoughts.

While everyone has them from time to time, certain *lucky* folk have genes to thank for more of ’em. “Some people have a biological predisposition to have a ‘sticky mind,’ where it’s easier for some things to get stuck; thoughts can loop around and around,” Dr. Winston says. While having a “sticky mind” and OCD are both genetic, they are not the same, she says. Again, a psychologist or psychiatrist who specializes in OCD can help you pinpoint which one (if either) you may have.

There’s another hereditary trait associated with intrusive thoughts: Called anxiety sensitivity, it means having strong reactions to the experience of anxiety and a fear of anxiety. In other words, you’re scared of becoming anxious, Dr. Winston says.

“We all have a brain that’s primary purpose is to keep us alive, but some people have what you might think of as an overprotective brain,” says Dr. Carbonell. “It’s the kind of brain that says, It’s cold out, so you might want to bring a sweater. And you might want to bring an extra sweater just in case the first one gets ruined.” If this is all too #relatable, you may be more likely to have intrusive thoughts more often.

According to one study, anxiety sensitivity ups your risk of developing an anxiety disorder, but it’s also a risk factor for obsessive-compulsive symptoms (OCS) during the teen years and vice versa: Experiencing OCS increases the chances of developing anxiety sensitivity.

Surprising Thing #8: Intrusive Thoughts Don’t Serve a Purpose

You had a vexing thought—and you’re worried it might be trying to warn you. Indeed, both Dr. Carbonell and Dr. Winston have had clients who view thoughts as signals to avoid seeing someone or going somewhere. For instance, an intrusive thought of dropping a child down the stairs gets interpreted as a blinking “stay away from the staircase today!” sign. (If you’ve also got the type of OCD that comes with magical or superstitious thinking, this can feel all the more true.)

But intrusive thoughts do not serve a purpose, confirm our docs. They are not omens. They are not harbingers. They are, in fact, meaningless.

And, so, Dr. Winston says to refrain from assigning meaning to the thought. “If you believe it’s meaningful, it becomes very hard to let it pass,” she says.

Surprising Thing #9: Intrusive Thoughts Are Not Urges

You’re in a work meeting and suddenly picture yourself getting carnal with your boss. Ruh-roh: Is this somehow evidence of a deep-down desire?!?

Read that meaningless bit again, four sentences up. One rando thought doesn’t mean you secretly want to take things from business to pleasure. Context matters. Look at the whole picture. Unless you’ve been feeling an attraction building or consciously know you’ve got a crush, this thought simply doesn’t have significance.

Surprising Thing #10: Therapy Can Help If Intrusive Thoughts Are Really Getting to You

Even if you don’t have OCD or an anxiety disorder, therapy is an option if intrusive thoughts keep bothering you. A therapist can teach you how to let these thoughts pass over you, acknowledging and accepting them before moving on.

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