10 Reasons You Keep Getting Back Together With Your Ex
Miley and Liam are apparently engaged again. Justin and Selena dated on and off for years. Kylie dumped Tyga, then took him back. And on PLL, Aria and Ezra broke up and got back together over and over, just like Chuck and Blair played with each other's hearts for years on Gossip Girl.
Breaking up and getting back together feels like the new normal: a 2012 study from the University of Wisconsin, Milwaukee and Bowling Green State University found that 44 percent of people ages 17 to 24 have gotten back together with an ex at least once. And in a recent survey by the app Wishbone, the exact same portion of users - 44 percent - said they had or would get back with an ex. (Eighty percent of Wishbone's users are under 18 and 20 percent are 18 to 24, according to a rep.)
If you've ever gone through a bad breakup, there's a chance that one special person keeps tugging at your heartstrings. It can feel impossible to let them go. There's no hard and fast rule about whether dating an ex is a bad idea - sometimes, the second (or third, or fourth) attempt at a relationship works, while other times, it explodes and leaves you more hurt than ever. But if you're considering rekindling your old relationship, consider why you want to do so first, and check out these scientific reasons for why it's so hard to get over your ex.
1. Your age. Your brain continues to grow and develop up until you turn 25. "Because the frontal lobe is not fully formed, teenagers tend to have less control over their impulses," relationship counselor Dr. Judith Wright says. Which means you're more likely to end a relationship in the heat of the moment after your S.O. does something to upset you. Since you might not have fully thought through the breakup, you might end up regretting your decision later, after you've had time to cool off. That's why it's always a good idea to take a little time after getting in a fight to cool off and think things through before making any major decisions.
2. You broke up... but didn't stop hooking up. More than half of yo-yo daters continue getting physical with their ex, found a 2012 study from the University of Wisconsin, Milwaukee and Bowling Green State University. Even if your intention is just to hook up without getting emotionally involved again, keeping the two separate is harder than you might expect. Hooking up releases a chemical in your brain called oxytocin that makes you more likely to feel attached again. And even if you are able to hook up as just friends, your ex might not be able to manage the sitch the same way.
3. You're addicted to the drama. There's a reason so many TV couples keep breaking up and getting back together again - all those plot twists are addictive and keep you tuning in. "The actual drama of breaking up and getting back together can become addictive," Dr. Wright says. "It gives people a perceived sense of excitement and adventure that they don't know how to infuse into an ongoing relationship, so they keep repeating the pattern over and over again." If you really want to make the relationship work, learn to inject excitement into your relationship in healthier ways - like by planning cool dates (amusement parks, road trips, picnics, etc.) instead of picking fights.
4. You're still connected on social media. "With Facebook, Snapchat, and Instagram, it's virtually impossible to ignore your ex (unless you deliberately and permanently delete them)," Bela Gandhi, relationship expert and founder of Smart Dating Academy, says. It's tough to move on if your ex is just a few taps away on your phone. "If we don't delete them, they can be a constant reminder," she says. "Seeing a photo of them or hearing their voice in a video can trigger a little release of oxytocin, the attachment hormone." That burst of oxytocin, makes it that much harder to let go of your ex. So if you're committed to moving on, consider unfollowing them for a while.
5. Circumstances have changed. Maybe you broke up because you were going to different colleges, or one of you was leaving for a semester abroad. There might not necessarily have been bad feelings between you two - it's just that your relationship hit an obstacle. Luckily, you might find yourselves back together again, like when you're both home again from school for the summer or back from study abroad. "When a couple breaks up because of external factors, or things they couldn't control themselves, it's easier to get back together when these circumstances have changed," says Kali Rogers, a life coach at Blush Online Life Coaching. If you've conquered whatever road block you two were facing before, it's understandable why you might be tempted to give your relationship a second chance.
6. You're afraid you can't or won't find anyone better. "Young love can be passionate, and if it's first love, even more so," Gandhi says. "We often think that we will never find love like this again, and stay with something that just isn't working out of fear." It's scary to end a relationship that's so intense and special - the kind that maybe even feels like once-in-a-lifetime love - even if you know the relationship isn't right for you in the long-run. But if you've found that kind of important love once, you can find it again. There's going to be something even better in store for you next.
7. You're afraid of being alone. "Unfortunately, fear is a powerful motivator for people getting back together with exes," Rogers says. In this situation, you might not be returning to your ex because you have strong feelings for them, but rather because the prospect of being single or dating again feels too daunting to face at the moment. "Breaking up with an ex in order for the opportunity to meet somebody new ALSO requires a period of loneliness, and sometimes that is too much to handle for somebody who hasn't developed a healthy self complex." Remember, being single doesn't mean you have to spend 24/7 locked in your bedroom by yourself - it's an opportunity to hang out with your besties all the time, reconnect with friends you didn't see as much of when you were in a relationship, and spend quality time with your fam, not to mention focus on other stuff you're interested, like your vlog or lacrosse. Just because you don't have an S.O. doesn't mean you're bound to be lonely. Look at celebs like Selena Gomez and Kendall Jenner who are all about living the single life!
8. You hate change. A 2016 study from two psychologists at Stanford University found that there are two types of people: the first type believes their personality (the social butterfly, the athletic one, the introvert, and so on) is set at birth, while the second type believes their personality changes over their lifetime based on their experiences. According to the study, if you have the first personality, you have a harder time dealing with breakups, since you tend to feel like your ex isn't just rejecting the relationship - they're also rejecting you. In reality, you're awesome and there's nothing (let's repeat: nothing!) wrong with you. Just because you and your ex aren't right together, doesn't mean that there's anything lacking in you. It just means you weren't compatible, and there's a better match for you out there. So if your ex warms back up to you again, take a moment before sliding back into the relationship to consider how you're really feeling. Do you want to get back together... or do you just want their love and approval back?
9. You assume that your ex has grown and changed since the breakup. A 2013 study from Kansas State University discovered that couples who break up and get back together tend to assume their exes have changed for the better in their time spent apart. Spoiler alert: not all of the exes really did. Before you get back together, hash out all the issues that plagued your relationship the first time around to see if you two really have a chance of making round two stick.
10. You haven't really dealt with your feelings about the breakup. You might assume that dwelling on a past relationship isn't healthy, but a 2015 study from Northwestern University found that reflecting on a breakup can actually help you develop a stronger sense of who you are as a single person and help you feel less lonely. So if you're tempted to get back together with your ex even though you know it's not a good idea, this trick could help your brain and your heart get on the same page.
