10 Essential Steps to Re-Friending Your Ex-Boyfriend

By Jenna Birch

So, we heard. You’re going through a breakup. (We’re so sorry, girl. We’ve been there. Big sad face.) Just know that while you’re settling into your post-split rituals—hey, Ben, Jerry and venting to your BFF!—we’re here for you. We’d also like to issue one friendly reminder as you work on movin’ on: when it comes to your ex, force yourself to let the dust settle before you communicate again, ‘kay? Even (and especially) if you’d like to stay friends.

You just can’t go from intimate to insta-friends. “While that sentiment is nice, don’t go there,” says dating coach Laurel House, author of Screwing the Rules: The No-Games Guide to Love. “At least not yet.” So, if not now, then when exactly? Well, here, we walk you through the expert-approved, post-breakup program to go from flames to former-loves to friends again.

Step 1: Get space.
You need time to grieve the relationship and settle into single life again—a process that does not involve him. All texting, calling, G-chatting, final hookups and hangouts must cease. “When you’re romantic with someone, you don’t just turn off a light switch to make all of those feelings and memories go away,” says dating coach Neely Steinberg, author of Skin in the Game: Unleashing Your Inner-Entrepreneur to Find Love. “You have memories and emotions to process and reflect on. You need time apart to see yourself as an individual again and not part of a couple with this person.” This perspective will be the foundation of your future friendship. If you don’t lay it now, you’ll never have a healthy one.

Step 2: No, seriously, get actual s p a c e.
It bears repeating. After grieving the relationship comes healing from the breakup. Get some physical space… and mental and emotional space. “This time is to establish new habits, regenerate individual life, and find new go-to friends to celebrate your highs and commiserate your lows,” says House. “It is impossible to go from being physically intimate one day, to having zero feelings the next. If you think you can, you’re lying to yourself.” So if he texts? Ignore it. If he calls? Shoot him a brief note saying you need time. Discipline, ladies! Your goal is to stop thinking about him alllll the time.

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Step 3: And on a similar note, if you see him around, maintain your d i s t a n c e.
Understandably, especially if this relationship was a long-term one, you probably share friends. And with that comes shared social functions. When the wounds are fresh, if you honestly can’t check your baggage at the door of a group gathering, be honest with your friends and don’t go. Otherwise… “Be civil during group outings. If you bring drama that’s going to be difficult for your circle of friends and may create rifts,” says Steinberg. “But be sure, if possible, to separate yourself from him. If you’re at a party or bar, maybe hang out in a different area.” Plus, the golden breakup rule? “Don’t bad mouth him to your friends,” Steinberg says.

Step 4: Wait until the sparks have died, and then ask the hard questions.
OK, so you’ve spend months moving on, have not rushed the process, and got the physical and mental perspective you needed. And now? Being honest with yourself during is key. Here’s your Steinberg-assigned self-assessment: “Ask yourself, ‘Do I really need or want this person as a friend? Why is this friendship crucial and important for me to have? Can I not get my needs met in my other friendships? Do I have ulterior motives for keeping this person as a friend, like to get him back someday? Can I focus on giving other guys a chance if this person is in my life?” If after this honest test, you still feel will be an important player in your future, you’re ready. But remember! You must feel NOTHING for him romantically, says Steinberg. The spark-o-meter must read zero.

Step 5: Test the waters with a text.
Fully over the relationship? Are you sure? Great. If yes, make contact, but keep is short. “If you honestly just miss his friendship, then reach out over text to test the waters,” says House. “Say something like, ‘Hey, I just saw [insert-movie-here], and there was a scene where the brothers were analyzing animal tracks during a hike and it made me think of that trip we took to the desert. I hope you’re doing great! Let’s catch up one of these days.’ If he responds with reciprocal interest, that’s a good first step. Set a time to get together for a walk, lunch, or a coffee—but be smart. “Don’t put yourselves in a romantic environment, or a situation that can seem misleading,” says House.

Step 6: Make sure you’re on the same page.
Keep the first reunion short and sweet and lay it all out on the table. Be clear and direct about what you want. “Be forthcoming about missing your friendship, and that while you didn’t work out as a couple, you truly miss the conversations,” says House, suggesting you state that you’re not trying to rekindle the flame. “If he expresses interest in resuming a sexual relationship, maybe even a ‘friends with benefits,’ you know that this is not going to be a real friendship and you have to decide how you want to proceed. The key is that you both have to be on the same page with this.”

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Step 7: Meet other guys. Different guys.
After a breakup, the day is going to come where you need to get back out there—made especially important if you’re bringing your ex back into your circle of friends and life. House has a laundry list of other activities you can partake in: “Go out, get online and browse, flirt, refresh your look, feel and look sexy by upping your workouts or going lingerie shopping,” says House. “And yes, start dating again!” Just do not funnel all your energies into texting, tweeting and talking with your ex. He might be in your present friend group, but he’s in your romantic past.

Step 8: Know that if you can’t be happy for him, it’s all over.
When he comes to you saying he’s met someone, your job is to be happy for his happiness. “Be prepared to talk about other people you’re dating. After all, you’re just friends now. Jealousy isn’t an option,” says House. Friendship is getting support from someone you care about, after all. If your body’s first instinct is insane jealousy, take a step back and remember why you broke up. Trust us, there were legit reasons. Focus on those. House says you can make an “a**hole qualities” list if necessary.

Step 9: Unleash those leftover feelings.
If you find you’re still struggling with the feels about your old relationship for whatever reason, maybe you’ve swept some emotions under the rug you during the grieving process. It’s good that you’re recognizing that angst! It just means you can address leftover pains now. “Don’t romanticize what you had and forget what was lacking; look at the relationship for what it really was,” says Steinberg. “Recognize that your breakup allowed you to grow, discover who you are and what you need in a partner, and gave you the opportunity to find the person who is a better fit for you.” Going through this mental checklist should help, and Steinberg says she’s a “huge believer” in talking out your feelings, so enlist your BFF. She’ll probably remember more reasons you two are better off as separates, too (your Friday-night fights about staying in or going out, your inability to agree on basic politics) which is even better.

Step 10: Control you and your own happiness.
From now on, as a friend, you don’t have a say in his decisions and actions. If he goes on a weekend bender? Not your problem. If he brings girls around you? Fine. That’s on him. “Understand that you can only control what you say and do, and you can’t control what your ex says and does,” says Steinberg. “This means you can control how you choose to think about the breakup and how you choose to handle situations where you see him or her, but you can’t control how he will think and behave.” It’s normal to feel a little sting when you see your ex in a romantic situation with someone who isn’t you, but with a quick perspective-check, you should be able to brush it off. It’ll suck for a split-second if he moves on before you do, but remember that someone had to. Your day is coming, doll. And won’t it be a great one?

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photo: Kate Powers